In her scathingly funny memoir, "I Don't Care About Your Band," Julie Klausner gives a lacerating account of some of the men she's dated.

That her self-effacing vignettes of sexual humiliation and empowerment paint these dudes in a less-than-flattering light is understandable -- they are almost all deviant man-whores cloaked in the sheep's clothing of adorably unassuming jeans and T-shirts.

Because of this, we figured that Klausner -- a comedy scribe who has written material for "Saturday Night Live" and "Best Week Ever" -- would be the perfect person to inform us what we're doing wrong as boyfriends ... and how to avoid being someone's future anti-muse.

Below, she gives Asylum readers five suggestions on how to avoid becoming a chapter in her -- or your current love interest's -- next book.

1. Be a Mensch
"A mensch, for those of you who didn't grow up not being able to eat delicious bacon, is a 'stand-up guy'; a decent human being with a big heart," says Klausner.

"This rule reflects a pretty rudimentary overlap of 'things easier said than done' and 'good rules for being a person in general' on Captain Obvious's magical Venn diagram.

"Basically, if you live your life trying to be kind to people and going out of your way not to hurt anybody's feelings, you're at the very least not going to be a very interesting character to write funny, mean things about -- and at the very best, you'll go to heaven or something."

2. Be Boring
"This one is even more foolproof than the ol' 'don't dick anybody over' routine, because even a nice guy can seem like a jerk with the addition of time and context," she says.

"But if you're an honest-to-God yawn of a dude with nothing to say that's worth remembering -- mean or nice -- you can be certain you won't wind up on the pages of anything besides maybe the phone book.

"Do they still print phone books? They shouldn't. They're a waste of trees and they only encourage short people to drive cars."

3. Be Famous
"Unless you're dating a wannabe Pamela Des Barres, no author wants to be known as a star-f**ker unless that's the point of her book," says Klausner.

"Also, famous people are sue-y, and not like chop suey, which I've heard is delicious. They have lawyers and publicists, and one day you can wake up with an e-mail from Demi Moore saying you have to run something on your blog that says she wasn't Photoshopped, or that the girl baby in that E-trade ad wasn't really a 'milk-a-holic' like Lindsay Lohan, known milk aficionado.

"It's best to keep those stories for your friends, and change the rest into fiction for a Y.A. proposal."

4. Be the Kind of Person Who Makes the Author Act Like a Huge A**hole
"OK, I'm sort of an exception to this rule," she says, "because one of my chapters is about how moronically I acted while I was sleeping with this guy. Honestly, though, this guy was was like Hans Moleman on "The Simpsons." Like, whenever you get within 12 feet of him, you're just overcome by this overwhelming urge to beat him up, even though he's totally pathetic.

"But a lot of memoirists aren't too psyched about writing about experiences in which they acted like jerks or idiots. So, if you're the kind of person who, like Hellman's on Opposite Day, brings out the worst, fear not, lest your sins be trespassed against your ex."

5. Be an Attention Whore
"This is sort of parallel to rule three, but it also applies to people who wish they were famous. I remember I went out with a guy who, on our first date, seemed a litttle too excited that I was a writer working on a memoir about guys I'd slept with," recalls Klausner.

"'Will you be writing about ME?' he asked, with a twinkle in his eye reminiscent of Willy Wonka's. No, because we won't be sleeping together, I thought to myself. He was also Australian, which was not a good match for me. Those people love 'AD-VIN-CHUH!' which is what they call adventure."

For more Julie goodness, buy "I Don't Care About Your Band" now.