While being robbed at swordpoint is certainly terrifying, there's a small percentage of the brain that, while it's happening, is thinking "Are you seriously robbing me with a samurai sword right now?"
Sure back, in the day it was no big deal. But neither was climbing on top of a snarling, speeding beast, with the express purpose of jabbing another person to death with an extremely long knife.
But these days, it's only children who play with swords, and imaginary ones at that, so crimes that involve a sword tend to stand out.
Keep reading to review some of the most noteworthy sword news in modern times.
"Mom, You Always Embarrass Me at School Like This!"
You know how parent-teacher day goes: Your mom drinks a 40 oz. of Colt 45 in the parking lot, and then runs through the hallways of an elementary school, sword in hand, to confront the parents of a child who spit on you the day before. This soon-to-be-cherished family memory happened in Memphis, Tenn., in late February of this year. Officers arrested the woman, charging her with aggravated assault and having a weapon on school property, resulting in a lengthy time-out.
"This Is How I Drive Everywhere!"
It's unknown whether this 14-year-old Australian boy was inspired by the sword-wielding antics of his parents, but he does have one thing going for him: commitment. Also in late February, this young swordsman terrified a few sleepy Australian small towns for two whole days
, committing various burglaries and assaults, coming away with a hefty haul of cash, jewelry and even a car. Unfortunately for him, he had some trouble staying inconspicuous. Police say that riding a four-wheeled stolen bicycle down the main road of a small town while holding a sword and a stolen purse raises a few eyebrows.
Early 2009 saw a sharp increase in attacks and robberies by the Klingon Empire
-- from zero to two in the town of Colorado Springs, Colo. In this case, two 7-11's were robbed by a mysterious figure wielding the double-bladed sword used by Klingons in
"Star Trek" known as a "bat'leth." Until these incidents, it was unclear just how serious the Cheeto and fountain soda shortage had become on the Klingon homeworld. Neither the local police nor the United Federation of Planets was able to apprehend the suspect, but it is well known that Klingon ships employ cloaking devices.
"Did It Drop Any Good Loot?"
We aren't quite sure what it is about February that makes people walk around outside with swords. Maybe everyone is sick of being cooped up in winter weather, so they go outside, making sure to keep themselves armed against snow monsters. That worked out well for a 19-year-old in California who rescued
his dog from a wild raccoon.
Marquel Dawson and his 65-lb. pit bull / German shepherd mix, Stunna, were out for a walk when the dog noticed something rustling in some nearby bushes. Stunna found a cat in a battle for its life against a giant raccoon. Entering the fray, Stunna saved the cat, but soon found himself in trouble. Luckily for all, Marquel had a sword handy, and chased off the raccoon with a single blow to its shoulder. In the aftermath, Marquel gained 57 experience points, but did not level up.
"Tell Us Again, Grandma, Tell Us Again!"
This is an epic tale of badassery, and the main character is so calm and collected that you can only hope to be as cool someday. A widow, 80-year-old Jean Freke of Dorset in the U.K., fought off two large home invaders with a ceremonial sword
, and explains it away as "pretty rough."
In 2003, this sweet old lady was quietly working on her will, trying to word a provision that would allow an underprivileged child a place in the choir at Winchester Cathedral. Suddenly, she heard a loud crash, walked into her hallway, and was accosted by two men. At one point, one of the men shoved Ms. Freke to the floor, which she said made her "a little nervous," but she managed to get to her feet again.
It was at that point that she had a flash of insight. As this frail old woman with a heart condition was, by her own account, "taking punches everywhere," she managed to move the fight over to where her late husband had kept a ceremonial sword from World War I. She grabbed the sword, pointed it at her attacker's chest and said, "Get out."
The men fled.
Remember: Swords, whether decorative
or functional, are not playthings, and their proper use requires a good deal of practice and grunting
. Please be safe.