ape babyThe gorilla population across the Congo basin is slowly dwindling, with some predicting the apes could be virtually extinct within the next decade, all thanks to some far less cuddly and cool guerrillas. Frankly, we think it's time to pick sides and back up the O.G.s in the battle of Guerrilla on Gorilla.

Local militias and gangs frequently encroach on the apes' territory, either to kill them outright or for other criminal enterprises like illegal trade in diamonds, gold, timber and minerals used in cell phones.

With things looking grim for the gorillas, we thought we could offer up a few suggestions to get them ahead of the game.

monkey with a gunTeach the gorillas to use guns
If Koko has taught us anything, it's that gorillas are adept with their hands and super-intelligent. Plus, "Planet of the Apes" makes this seem plausible.

Pay attention to how you shop
Coltan is mined in Africa for use in cell phones. Just like those blood diamonds we've all heard about, the carnage is wrought for the convenience of the Western world. It wouldn't hurt to demand products produced responsibly. Plus, apes can be trained to operate a phone, and phones can be used to detonate bombs, so we really shouldn't be pissing them off in the long run.

Send in the super-apes
Hollywood is fairly convinced that there are countless super-gorillas in the world. Be it Mighty Joe Young, King Kong or whatever the hell those things in "Congo" were, there has to be at least one species of giant and/or sinister ape that can teach the poachers a lesson.

Spread the word
You don't need to have your own Web site, but you can let other people know what's going on. Change can't come without awareness that gorillas are still cool and guerrillas are usually douchebags.

Ripley
"Gorillas in the Mist" + "Aliens" = Sigourney Weaver in a giant, metal exoskeleton kicking ass in the rain forest.

Spam
Not the awful email, the awful canned meat. It has to be more convenient for the West to simply ship boatloads of Spam over to Africa than for them to hunt and kill an ape to eat. Would you want to hunt an ape? Imagine a bear with opposable thumbs. They'll thank us in the long run.

Research
Organizations like the United Nations Environment Program, the Dian Fossey Gorilla Fund and WildlifeDirect have information and ways that you can help make a difference either by getting involved, donating money or learning more about the threats and how they're being handled.
You're going down, guerrillas. Also, please note that we have no official position on Gorillaz, except that we firmly believe that guerrillas suck way more.