It's that time of the year again, when the sun begins peaking out from behind the clouds, girls start to shed their conservative winter wardrobes, and most importantly, people all over New York City congregate with a single, unifying purpose: to drink in excess, while wearing matching polyester blankets that have sleeves. The 2nd Annual Snuggie Pub Crawl
is this Saturday!
But before we send your on your way, we've compiled a list of potential Snuggie-related pub crawl problems and suggested solutions. Because there's nothing worse than traipsing around the city wearing a pee-soaked Snuggie.
We assume you won't be wearing pants, so you're going to need a place to stick your money, cell phone and switchblade (you never what kind of riffraff runs in the Snuggie crowds). So invest in a PortaPocket
(pictured at left). If you don't have a sexy thigh to wrap it around, hopefully you have a massive bicep
There are several simple things you can do to combat the irritating static zaps that occur every time you sport your Snuggie. For starters, wash it pre-crawl with fabric softener and dryer sheets, and on the big day, trade in your rubber-soled Chuck Taylors for shoes with leather soles, which will help dissipate shockage. If all else fails, bring along Static Guard
and spray liberally when the voltage builds. Bonus: it'll also help mask the stench of your whiskey sweats.
You Gotta Pee
Nothing is more inconvenient (and messy) than attempting to urinate in a Snuggie. Easy solution: turn it around backwards while you make wee. You might also want to consider an alternative called the "Spankie
," which features an "easy access panel" that "enables direct access to private areas." Although it's designed for masturbatory purposes, it also works great for those with pea-sized bladders.
No one likes a bar-hopper who blends into the crowd. We suggest spicing up your Snuggie by busting out the BeDazzler
and glue sticks to personalize it
or transform it into a superhero
costume. If you're not crafty enough or just too lazy, you can always outsource
your Snuggie customization.
Let's face it. You're going to get loaded on your journey, which means you're bound to have wild, unabated bathroom bar sex. So do you homework and study The Snuggie Sutra
, an "illustrated guide to sexual positions that are both erotic and warm" for sex in wearable blankets. We recommend printing out your faves and throwing it in your PortaPocket. We're partial to "The Rollercoaster
" and find it works perfectly on a toilet seat.
The Snuggie Pub Crawl takes place this Saturday, April 17th, at 12pm.