Apr 30th 2010 By Brett Smiley
The Woman Only There to Wear an Outrageous Hat
The Run for the Roses
is a special quasi-holiday where college students get bombed on the Churchill Downs infield
, millionaires rub elbows in suites above, and everyone else attends an afternoon-long party that ends with people yelling loudly at a television screen for two minutes.
But like a real-life version of the video game "Paperboy
," certain attendees at the soiree will block your path to Kentucky Derby
bliss. Study the list below and avoid these people at all costs.
The Dude From Kentucky
This guy thinks he's the mayor of the party and will take it upon himself to direct traffic all day. He only drinks bourbon -- "You gotta drink bourbon! It's the Derby!" -- and he'll break your balls if you just want beer. If there's no dude from Kentucky, some blowhard who claims to have been to Churchill Downs will assume the role and throw his sizable weight around.
The Kentucky Derby is as much a sporting event as it is an excuse for women to showcase absurd creations on their heads called "hats." The one who will ruin your party will be completely oblivious to the races and will flit around with a monstrosity on her head that looks like a throwaway from a taxidermy shop
. She's also obnoxiously excited to drink mint juleps
, even though she doesn't know what they are.
The Guy Who Knows Too Much About Horse Racing
Worse, he wants you to know how much he knows about horse racing. He has a vast knowledge of all the abbreviations found in the racing form, and he'll offer up betting tips
all day and claim to have insider information. Eventually, he'll lament that he barely missed a superfecta that would have paid $12,000. Don't ever play a board game with this guy.
The Clueless Beginner Who Bets Based on Names -- And Wins
"Mine That Bird
! What a pretty name!" said the clueless beginner last year of the 50-1 Derby long shot. The least knowledgeable person will always win. Always. It's as much a surety as your pudgy friend breaking his three-day-long diet at the party by diving headfirst into the nachos.
The Animal Rights Activist Upset About the Treatment of Horses
This person will remind you all afternoon about how betting is evil because of how poorly thoroughbreds get treated. Whatever your views are, don't engage in politics with this person
if you want to have any fun. If cornered, however, wait for the drunk guy to clamor for a slow horse to get sent to the glue factory and then slip away unnoticed.
The Stupid Kid Who Calls Them "Horsies"
This child is probably the son or daughter of the Party Host Who Goes Overboard (this host demands that guests dress up in formal wear and decorates the lawn like a track). The kid will tell you all about Dora the Explorer's adventures and eventually will get distracted by the same drunk guy clamoring for a slow horse to get sent to the glue factory.
The Extremely Drunk Guy Who Ends Up Riding an Imaginary Horse Around the Party
Someone has to be this guy. It might as well be you.