Would that which we call "boobs," by any other name, be as sweet? What if we called them "massive milk cans"? Still awesome.

In the spirit of testing this theory, we set out to study how Internet users search for breasts online.

In our quest to catalog all the synonyms and slang terms for breasts, we found a list of 262 names for boobs, 99 "boob-phemisms" and, even better, "99 Words for Boobs," a video tribute/parody of "99 LuftBalloons."

With this arsenal of words at our disposal, we used Google's search-engine data to determine the most common keywords.

Already connoisseurs of cleavage, we earned our bachelor's in boobs and master's in mammary glands. We now bring you a pie chart of the most common search terms for boobs.

The top eight terms:
Below is the breakdown by global monthly search volume and the corresponding percentages of the terms depicted in the graph (percentages based on comparison with only the other search terms; there's really no way for us to accurately measure every search in the wide world of boob terminology):

Boobs -- 37,200,000 (47%)
T*ts -- 24,900,000 (32%)
Breasts -- 11,100,000 (14%)
Hooters -- 2,740,000 (3%)
Boobies -- 1,220,000 (2%)
Juggs -- 550,000 (1%)
Mounds -- 450,000 (Less than 1%)
Melons -- 368,000 (Less than 1%)

Analysis (Sort Of):
Boobs, t*ts and breasts cast a shadow over the rival search terms. Note that each of these three terms turned up a host of associated searches that didn't count toward the individual result, such as "epic boobs" (110,000), "mega boobs" (49,500) and "3d boobs" (22,200). Somewhere, there's a disappointed guy sheepishly walking out of an X-rated theater with red 3-D glasses on.

The distance between the three major terms and the rest is a bit surprising, clearly establishing the top three as the triumvirate of all things chest-related.

Honorable Mention, or "Near Boob-Chart Miss":

"Knockers": A staff favorite, the term nets 246,000 searches, which puts it not far behind melons, but below the threshold for inclusion on the chart.

How We Describe Boobs

Our journey through boob-topia also revealed information about search queries beyond simple, single-word searches. Below is a chart of the eight most-popular adjectives used in conjunction with searches for the eight boob terms depicted in the chart above.

In total, the eight adjectives were used 20,819,436 times (in conjunction with the eight boob terms). Obviously, "big" is king. Here are the full numbers, grouped by adjectives, describing 1) size, and 2) character.

Big --16,12,6960 (77%)
Huge -- 1,651,500 (8%)
Large -- 327,070 (2%)
Massive -- 244,670 (1%)

Sexy -- 780,286 (4%)
Natural -- 675,400 (3%)
Hot -- 619,600 (3%)
Bouncing -- 393,950 (2%)

Most Popular Adjective to Describe Each, Other Than "Big"

T*ts -- "Huge"
Boobs -- "Sexy"
Breasts -- "Large"
Hooters -- "Hot"*
Juggs -- "Huge"
Boobies -- "Bouncing"
Melons -- "Huge"
Mounds -- "Large"

*We suspect this was buoyed by searches for "hot Hooters wings."

Also Consider:
"Chest" and "rack": One of our resident boob experts advised us that women often make reference to their breasts by using the phrase "chest." Likewise, men often refer to a woman's "rack." However, in both cases, the terms' alternative meanings render search-engine data useless for our purposes here. "Chest" can also refer to a storage unit, and "rack" can be used to describe, say, a gun rack.

Note that in the cases of Hooters (the restaurant), melons (delicious fruit) and Mounds (a savory chocolate and coconut candy without nuts), there was also a risk of mishits. But, those terms' search volumes were so high above the others that we didn't attempt to discount their values. Draw your own conclusions.

Humorous Discoveries:
A variety of comical items turned up during our boob search: "three boobs" (18,100), "super boobs" (49,500), "Katy Perry boobs" (27,100), "project boobs" (9,900), "google boobs" (9,900), "want boobs" (14,800) and "future boobs" (2,400).

Bonus Words That Missed the Cut:

Fun bags -- 27,000
Bigguns -- 9,900
Ta tas -- 18,100
Bazongas -- 4,400
Sweater puppies -- 8,100