Our weekly dispatch from the nation's foremost mustache expert.

Dr. Phil shavedIn the past, when great mustached men chose to remove their lower nose accoutrement, the staff and administration at the American Mustache Institute eulogized these fallen facial follicles.

We did it for then-Yankees slugger Jason Giambi in 2007 and for Murray, Utah, mayor Dan Snarr in 2009.

Indeed, there is a precedent that AMI will grievously mourn the shaving of any mustache, as well as the impact it has on angels (according to the Dead Sea Scrolls), American good looks and the economic recovery.

But, in the case of Dr. Phil, who so unceremoniously shaved last Friday with a burst of Oprah-blicity, we say, to the surprise of many, "Good riddance!"

Having personally examined Dr. Phil's labia sebucula (Latin for "lip sweater) in our administrative headquarters in 2006 for density, strength and lice infestation, we speak from firsthand knowledge in declaring that his lip-warming instrument of adjudication was as weak a mustache as we've seen. In fact, it matched his early-21st-century "the answer is intimacy"/ "perfectionism is an imperfection" TV personality.

In retrospect, it is clear that his "chevron"-style nasal garden was what the AMI research department would refer to as a "balancer mustache": one that evened out his appearance. It counteracted the appearance of his desperately bald head, much like the archetypal shop teacher many of us slept with in high school.

In fact, as we look to spread the gospel of the sexually adventuresome Mustached American lifestyle, the more men like Dr. Phil who shave -- and remove themselves from our ranks -- the more likely the young people of America will discover the power and advantages of the mustache.

So, in this rare case, we don't need Dr. Phil to lead us. We wish his mouth brow a fond farewell. It wasn't a murder -- it was a mercy killing.


For Dr. Abraham J. Froman's mustache perspective, check in every Wednesday on Asylum.