Dating is hard. That's why it's often helpful to get advice from somebody who knows more on the subject than you, like an adolescent virgin who sings wussy pop songs.
No, not the modern pinups like the Jonas Brothers, but those feather-haired teen idols from yesteryear who really dole out the best relationships strategies.
For instance, Jackie Earle Haley may currently be creeping us out in such roles as as a child molester in "Little Children" and a dead child molester in "A Nightmare on Elm Street," but at one time the '70s matinee idol was the stuff of adolescent girls' fantasies.
For instance, in this vintage spread from the time when pet rocks and lava lamps were groovy, we learned that Jackie's favorite term when talking about girls is "fox" and that he believes "two people in the same profession can't carry on a good relationship."
Keep reading for more words of wisdom from the dreamiest dating coaches ever to live.
10. Jackie Earle Haley, Teen Beat (1978)
'70s matinee idol
-turned-deformed screen homicidal
Girls -- or "foxes" -- should give their boyfriends room to breathe. "I couldn't have a clinging vine around me all the time."
9. David Cassidy, Fave! (1970)
International teen superstar best known for the role of Keith Partridge on "The Partridge Family"
While Cassidy confesses his preference for girls "with long, straight hair," and "blondes," that's not what really gets his engine revving. "It's what's going on in her head that I care about! ... A girl who I enjoy spending time with has got to be able to hold up her end of the conversation."
We like smart chicks, too.
8. Mark Hamill, Unknown Magazine Source (1977–78)
Uh, Luke Skywalker? Jeez.
According to the magazine, a few of Mark's relationship deal-breakers include "Don't be jealous & possessive" and "Don't be lazy -- do sports."
Would a lightsaber workout
7. Lorenzo Lamas, Super Teen (1979)
Soap opera star and one-time judge of short-lived reality show "Are You Hot?"
The secret to his "energy and glowing good looks"? Lorenzo's Super Shake! "It'll do it every time."
The efficacy of this egg, protein powder and banana combination is as of yet undetermined.
6. Rick Springfield, Unknown Magazine Source (1970s)
'70s teen idol-turned-'80s soap opera/pop star stud, best known for the excellent "Jessie's Girl."
Springfield says, "I like a girl who is striving for a goal, but the pushy women's libbers are not for me. Be feminine about your ambitiousness and I'll admire you for it."
We would respond to this, but the point is probably moot.
5. Brett Hudson, Tiger Beat's Tiger of the Month (1976)
Before there were the Jonas Brothers, there were the Hudson Brothers. The singing trio even had the awkwardly noticeable much older brother
. Brett was the "hottie" of the group.
Brett stresses the need to create an environment that's ripe for love because, as he points out, "It's hard to be romantic at a football game."
This was obviously before the invention of the Lingerie Football League.
4. Donny Osmond, Teens Now!,(1973)
American singer, musician, actor and Mormon
Here's a tip for all you single ladies: "Lean forward, really concentrate and think about what he's saying -- and let your enthusiasm show. Some of the world's greatest beauties and most sought-after females -- like Jackie Kennedy, for instance -- have gotten their guys this way, and they'll be happy to tell you so."
We want to know when little Donny was dishing on relationships with Jackie Kennedy.
3. Len Whiting, Fave! (1970)
The British teen idol, a sort of Harry Potter for his era, starred in the definitive 1968 film version of "Romeo & Juliet."
"I've been finding out quite a bit about girls lately, and I've discovered that all that grace and beauty must be quite a strain at times!"
Yep, this is how guys talked before "The Game
2. Matt Dillon, Super Teen (1979)
The "There's Something About Mary" star has been appearing in films since the '70s, and before Cameron Diaz, the guy used to date Kristy McNichols! If you were teen boy in 1979 you would know that's the equivalent of dating Miley Cyrus.
So how did he capture her heart? Besides that, according to Super Teen, he's the "foxiest guy we've seen in a long time." We're betting it was because "like Christy, he loves sports" and is "into rock and roll (not disco) and he loves to eat!"
We're not into disco and we love to eat, and it's never scored us a famous girlfriend.
1. Leif Garrett, Tiger Beat (1979)
'70s singer and actor whose later drug abuse made his "Behind the Music" one of the most epic of all time.
Garrett knows the "three keys" to getting girls to like you -- take her on your yacht, recite her love poetry, and then flash her that irresistible smile.
Yeah, that would probably work.
What's the best piece of dating advice?
|"Don't be lazy -- do sports." ||689 (9.4%)|
|"Be feminine about your ambitiousness."||1666 (22.8%)|
|"Lean forward, really concentrate and think about what he's saying."||2937 (40.1%)|
|"Take her on your yacht."||2029 (27.7%)|