Let's be honest -- some of you haven't lost your virginity yet. Go ahead, raise your hand. It's OK, no one can see you.

Because Asylum believes in helping the younger generation, we've decided to give you some first-hand advice. And because most of us are not what you'd call "smooth" or "good-looking," our advice comes mostly in the form of what NOT to do.

This is not a fluff piece arguing that you should "save yourself for the right one." No one at Asylum did and we turned out reasonably OK.

This is actual advice from Asylum contributors about what really happened during their first times. Learn from our mistakes or pay the price (in expensive psychotherapy).
DON'T Do It Outside
"The forest floor was littered with fallen branches, which scratched my legs and caused me to trip and stumble a lot. Finally, he stopped in front of a platform covered with artificial grass -- the kind my grandparents use to have on their patio. Years later, I realized it was a deer stand no longer on its original perch. As we started, I noticed that artificial grass gives rug burns that are worse than those from indoor carpet, but hey, who's paying attention to brush burns?" -- Meghan


DON'T Drink
"It was just terrible. Despite watching ample amounts of porn, I didn't know what I was doing. We had never hooked up before, she was hammered, I was drunk, and trying to put it in was like trying to smash a half-hard cucumber into an un-lubricated water snake. She was completely lifeless, possibly disinterested, and although I was pumped to finally have my penis inside a vagina, it was hardly pleasurable. I didn't orgasm and I'm certain she didn't either." -- Reggie

"I lost my virginity in my friend's basement. I had such terrible whiskey d*ck that I didn't even -- ahem -- finish, which probably made the girl feel terrible." -- Spencer
DO Beware of the First Condom
"I had seen demonstrations, read instructions, and even put one on once before for practice. However, while rolling on a condom to lose my virginity, I glanced at her pubic hair and ejaculated. When you're really excited, putting on the condom feels better than you'd expect." -- Ryan
American Pie movie Jason Biggs Alyson Hannigan
Universal
DO Expect Blood ... and Pain
"There was so much blood, it looked like someone had been stabbed in the bed. My friend told me he had to throw out all the sheets." -- Mike

"I lied about being a virgin. Dude was probably confused by all the shaking and look of terror. Be honest, unless you want the other person to think you have a seizure disorder." -- Julieanne
DON'T Be Ashamed to Seek Professional Help
"I was four days shy of 18 and lost my virginity to a prostitute named Jasmine in a motel off the Texas Interstate. $180 for the hour. The room was $82.50. Honestly, I do not regret it whatsoever. She busted out a purple-colored condom and basically I just missionary'ed her for 10 minutes, let's say." -- Brian