People are always talking about the "epidemic" of poor nutrition among today's youth and America's obesity "problem." It's almost like they think being a big, fat person is somehow less than totally awesome. Well, I'm a fat guy, and I'm here to tell you, don't knock it till you've tried it.
In case you're still not convinced, just a few of the amazing perks of carrying the effects of a decade of late-night burritos and Pop-Tart ice cream sandwiches around your midsection.
1. Goodbye, Stain Explanations!
No more lengthy and embarrassing explanations on where the stain on your shirt came from. Everybody knows and understands that it's mustard ... from your sandwich
... that you ate between lunch and second after-lunch snack.
2. Year-Round Shorts
Like a majestic walrus, chubby guys pack their own insulation. This means that your body is equipped to handle the chilliest of rib-offs wearing nothing but a hoodie and your double XL gym shorts. Be forewarned, though -- this heating effect can also result in socially unacceptable perspiration.
Prime time for muggin' is at night,and you can't tell whether your potential victim 20 yards up the street is fat or built like a radioactive steroid freak. Be aware, though, that if running comes into play, a larger circumference of the human body can prove counterproductive in terms of speed, agility and stamina.
4. Teddy Bear Appeal
This is an aspect of being a chubby guy that can go either way. The right kind of girl will bust out the old "You're like a big fluffy teddy bear!" line, and in that case you have a good chance of sealing the deal. However, sometimes when this phrase shoots forth from some cherry-red lips ... you just landed yourself in the friend zone. Be cautious with your Teddy Bear
Keep reading to find out the top 5 wonders an XXXL lifestyle can bring you.
5. Honorary Boobs
The fascination with the female breast has been ingrained into the male psyche from the time of ancient man. As your girth begins to display it's bulbous fruits, you might notice that smack dab in the middle of your chest are large jiggly planet-like growths. Don't be frightened. Yes, they are hairy ... but they are your very own boobs
6. Automatic Dibs
The cold stare shot across the table between kin vying for the same slice of pecan pie can lead to an unpleasant atmosphere. Not when there's a chubby guy around! It's universally understood that we're gonna get that piece of pie
7. Replacement of Furniture
As your belly begins to grow, you will no longer need certain items of furniture
. Coffee tables and end tables all become obsolete. When reclined, simply place any item you need directly on your gut. Your lighter, the remote control, even a bowl of cereal will fit comfortably alongside one another, safely atop your man-shelf.
8. Airplane Rights Revolution
It's not very often that you get your very own revolution to participate in! The spherical and squishy genius Kevin Smith
was thrown off an airplane for being gravitationally inclined. This event was chub society's "shot heard round the world." The overweight aren't gonna take this lying down ... they'll probably attempt to un-recline. Fly high, fat bird! Fly high.
9. Advanced Understanding of Pop Culture
Being of the large persuasion will automatically start killing your attachment to physical movement. A pleasant side effect of this lack of interest in being mobile is your absorption of all the goings-on in the world via the TV and the Internet. Absolutely no moving is required! Plus, you'll be able to dominate trivia games with friends and family ... as long as they come to you.
10. Inherent Understanding of Fine Dining
When traveling and searching for acceptable eateries, no one will point you in the right direction quicker than a fat dude. Wanna find the best wings? The most delicious sushi? A local chunkster will know them all. Once inaugurated into chubby-guy society, the Ancient Wisdom of the Ages opens your third eye and pours local cuisine knowledge into your head with a gravy boat.
Andy Green is an Asylum contributor, former radio personality and writer.