Now, we've tried many a beer in our time, even the most alcoholic of its kind in the world, but we've never had a Duff. Or a Pißwasser. Or a butterbeer, even.

The reason, as you might have guessed / worked out / read in the title, is that they're not real. But that doesn't mean that we can't guesstimate their flavor, Alcohol by volume, contents and the like, however.

So here's an "expert guide to the weird and downright wonderful world of fake beers in film, TV and games. Imaginary bottoms up!


Beer: Pawtucket Patriot Ale from "Family Guy"
Probable ABV:
7 percent, as that's the minimum strength for a Pale Ale in the U.S. Now you know.
Tagline: "If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard"
Most likely tastes like:
Hoppy hoppy hop hops and malty malty malt malt. So says Pawtucket Pat and The Chumbawumbas, anyway.
How to get one on the house: Doing a genuinely decent impersonation of a drunken clam at The Drunken Clam should probably do it. Then again, that applies for any beer anywhere, pretty much.

Beer: Dharma Initiative Beer from "Lost"
Probable ABV: Unknown, though the cans have '960VKKS R7731' on them which means ... 3.5 percent? Maybe?
Tagline: "960VKKS R7731" -- which is pretty well put, we must say
Most likely tastes like:
Really old, really stale, rancid Foster's. As Hurley points out, the beer "is older than 'Rocky III,' maybe even 'Rocky II.'"
How to get one on the house: Swipe it from a dead man's van somewhere in the jungle. Simple, really.

Beer: Romulan Ale from "Star Trek"
Probable ABV:
Not specified, but considering it gets you drunk instantly, anywhere from 50 to Stardate 18 50 percent
Tagline: "Romulan ale should be illegal" -- Worf's words, not ours
Most likely tastes like:
A very boozy version of blue Powerade
How to get one on the house: It'd be almost impossible, but challenging Kirk to a duel might work. Carry that one out at your peril, redshirt.

Beer: Alamo Beer from "King of the Hill"
Probable ABV: 3.9 percent, apart from the soapy version, which is probably a little higher
Tagline: "From the lukewarm headwaters of the mighty Brazos River" -- whatever that means
Most likely tastes like:
True Texan grit
How to get one on the house: Steal Hank's ride-on mower and discover the stash of the good stuff he hides in its secret compartment.

Beer: Duff Beer from "The Simpsons"
Probable ABV:
5 percent ("Coincidentally" the same as an actual Budweiser)
Tagline: "The beer that makes the days fly by" or their company song: "Duff beer for me, Duff beer for you, I'll have a Duff, You have one, too"
Most likely tastes like:
Brown, wet air
How to get one on the house: By being, or dressing like the legendary beer-loving superhero Duffman! OH YEAH!
Beer: Butterbeer from "Harry Potter"
Probable ABV: 0 percent ... maybe. It certainly lowers inhibitions in humans, and even if it doesn't have any azkamahol in it, it gets house elves completely wrecked.
Tagline: "It's magic!" (or something)
Most likely tastes like:
Butter, butterscotch, but not, we repeat, not actual scotch
How to get one on the house: By shouting "Beeriamus" and telekinetically slinging a jarful into your wizarding mouth hole

Beer: Bendërbrau Cold-Fusion Stream beer from "Futurama"
Probable ABV: Considering Bender drinks alcohol to power himself, let's say 10111001111 percent.
Tagline: "Let's get drunk!"
Most likely tastes like:
"Turbid and silty with a subtle, slightly goat-y finish." Also, metallic, depending on how many metal shavings made it into the mix when Bender was brewing it in his belly.
How to get one on the house: Bite a small hole in Bender's shiny metal ass, mid-brew, and siphon yourself a pint or two.

Beer: Pißwasser from "GTA 4"
Probable ABV:
It's suggested it's actually made with urine, so we don't really want to know. 1 percent?
Tagline: "Enjoy the crisp, salty taste of Pißwasser. The German fighting lager of choice for the more discerning binge drinker" or "You're in for a good time."
Most likely tastes like:
Guess.
How to get one on the house: Make your own "batch." Ahem.

Beer: Elsinore Beer from "Strange Brew"
Probable ABV:
It contains a drug that makes you docile most of the time, but very, very angry if certain music is played. So ... how do we put that into a percentage?
Tagline: "Loved by the Royal Canadian Institute for the Mentally Insane"
Most likely tastes like:
Drugs. Beery, bubbly drugs.
How to get one on the house: Get yourself into the aforementioned Royal Canadian Institute for the Mentally Insane, where it's issued for free. We recommend sticking a pair of underpants on your head and sticking two pencils up your nose.