From a statistical standpoint, men are more likely than women to step out on their relationships. However, at least in terms of marital infidelity, the spread between the genders is smaller than you might think: 22 percent of guys cheat compared with 14 percent of ladies.So why is it we only hear about how Tiger Woods, Jesse James, Bill Clinton and the like couldn't stay true? What about all the ladies, famous or not, who are out there prowling for some of the strange?
Men get cheated on, too. To prove it, we talked to four regular guys who've felt the sickening smart of infidelity. They let us in on what they were able to learn from the unfortunate experience.
The guy: Matthew
What happened: A few years after I graduated high school, I moved to a small town in Pennsylvania where I found myself working two dead-end jobs and living in a studio apartment that should have been condemned.
While working, I met this girl. She had long blond hair and didn't mind my small apartment or the fact that I worked 80 hours a week to make ends meet. A few months had gone by and she moved in.
One night I wasn't feeling well. Working from 6 to 2:30 p.m., followed by another shift from 9 p.m. to 5 a.m., was finally taking its toll. I drove home and pulled into the drive to find my girlfriend's car and another I didn't recognize.
As soon as I stepped through the door, I could see two naked bodies jump from underneath sheets. When the initial shock faded and reality set in, I could feel the blood boil within me. Something snapped. I started grabbing her things and throwing them out the door.
The creature hissed and growled at me like a lioness protecting her cubs as she shuffled around trying to put on her clothes, but it was no use. By the time I was done, all of her belongings were scattered across the lawn.
Before closing the door in her face, I couldn't help feel sorry for her.
What I learned: Being cheated on has left an emotional and insecure scar. It's hard to imagine such a beautiful and caring person could turn into such a vicious and poisonous viper. Cheating is not a remedy to a erroneous situation. If the circumstances are truly that bad, move on.
The guy: JesseWhat happened: I was 19 and in my first relationship. In the words of Benjamin Disraeli, "The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end."
About a month into the relationship her ex, a mutual friend, was going to move to Colorado, and she wanted to spend some time with him before he left. I didn't think anything of it since we, by all appearances, were madly in love and our mutual friend was someone who I thought respected me.
Long story short, they got drunk and the rest is fairly easy to imagine. Our relationship imploded not long after that, but she didn't confess what she had done until six months after the fact, when we had gotten back together.
The confession shattered me into tiny bits of emotional hell. Despite the fact that it was a half a year later, I felt the pain like it had just happened. We were on-again, off-again for a few years, but I could never get over what had happened, and never fully trusted her after that.
Having experienced the pain of infidelity firsthand I swore I would never put someone through that same wringer.
What I learned: I learned that physical attraction is more powerful than I had given it credit for, and in the right circumstances anyone would cheat on their significant other. The trick is to recognize this and not put yourself in a position where you are tempted, or you might be led into something that you will regret.
The guy: Danny What happened: My girlfriend and I had been together for the better part of a year. We lived together, co-signing the lease on our apartment, and both our cars were in both of our names. I knew her schedule and we did just about everything together. I didn't think that fidelity was something I had to be worried about.
We were going through a rough spot, but when we discovered that we had a baby on the way, we decided to marry. We were both overjoyed -- spending much of our time talking about names, buying things for the baby, signing up for websites about parenting and telling our respective family and friends.
I went to pick up a few friends from work and had her phone with me. Bored, I flipped through our recent text messages, reading the conversations we'd been having. I stopped at one that said something along the lines of "I'm glad Danny isn't the father of my baby ..."
The news that my baby may not be mine was devastating -- but since she was pregnant, when I confronted her I was as calm as possible. Considering the status of the relationship at the time, I forgave her and we continued with our relationship almost another year, but the anger, pain, distrust and general bad blood between us eventually erupted in other ways, and we split up.
The truth is, it happens to us, too. And even though we're not supposed to talk about it, it hurts just as much.
What I learned: I'm not really sure if I learned anything that's any good from the situation. All I can really say I took from it is that it became much harder for me to trust someone. I never intend to be the cause of so much pain. If I'm just not feeling it anymore, it's much better to break it off there, and not add insult to injury by cheating on her.
The guy: Vincent What happened: After dating a woman for a long period of time, I found out from one of her friends that my girlfriend had had a long history of cheating. I kept this conversation in the back of my mind, and never questioned my girlfriend about it ... until one day that she admitted to me that she had slept with someone else.
I sat in the room across from her in a daze for over an hour as she explained what happened. To this day, I still don't remember a word she said.
Even though I was being eaten up inside over this issue, my feelings for her blinded my decision-making. I spent the next few weeks trying to ignore the feelings of distrust that were boiling to the surface. After a few weeks, my girlfriend was seen with the person she had cheated on me with.
After confronting her about this issue for the second time, I realized that cheating was part of her personality, and I broke off the relationship. Over the next few weeks, I could not shake the feeling that every relationship that I was in was just a time bomb waiting to go off. At the same time, I could not shake the feelings of inadequacy, inability and inferiority.
What I learned: I came to understand why people say that denial is one of the steps to acceptance. For some reason I believed that since she had admitted to cheating, she would never do it again. It was my mistake that I decided to forgive her.
| No way -- you gotta kick the liar to the curb. | |
|---|---|
| Yes -- mistakes happen; you can work it out. | |
| Maybe -- It depends on the circumstances. |


























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Comments:
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Sunday 13 June
By Marie
The problem is men go after a woman for their looks not their personality and character. They like being treated like dirt, as long as she is beautiful. Whereas a woman looks for good character in a man not just his looks. In fact if a man is goodlooking I don't want to be bothered with him because he is generally self absorbed. These men complaining about women cheating on them should try going with a woman who has character and would never cheat on them. There are plenty of good women out there who would be loving and sincere but this is not the kind of women most men want.
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Sunday 13 June
By Dave
I've found that women are the ones that always seem to go for the pretty skinny-boy types, especially if they are the proverbial "bad boy". Their maternal instinct kicks in, and they think they can "change" him, and make him a better person. They'll put up with verbal, physical, and sexual abuse, as well as drug and alcohol abuse for years because "they love him". I don't get it. There are lots of single men out there who have good hearts, but don't get a second glance because they don't fit the fairy-tale fantasy.
Sunday 13 June
By OpethJewel
Marie and David, unfortunately you are both right. Both genders are just as bad when it comes to this. I hear from men that women only go for good looking/rich/bad boys and I hear from women that men go for hot/dumb/crazy women. Both genders do it in equal amounts. Why? I don't know. I would much rather have a smart guy with a good heart than some model type with a bad boy streak. I have never found that appealing. People should just quit being shallow in general. Date a bad boy or some hot crazy girl and you get what you ask for.
Tuesday 15 June
By don
I see your point, yes if a guy picks a 300 pound hairy wart woman for a relationship she probably won't cheat due to lack of options.
Tuesday 15 June
By notallRcheaters
Do you mean huge rotund terribly overweight people? They cheat too. I have seen it up close and personal.
Sunday 13 June
By arthur lee davis
LOWER SELF ESTEEM, WHICH IS LOWERED EVEN MORE WITH THOSE BAD BOYS THAT HAVE CHARACTERISTIC FLAWS THEMSELVES, THAT FURTHER IMPEDES ANY PROGRESS OF REDEMPTION, ON THE PART OF EITHER, UNTIL ONE OR THE OTHER MAKES A CLEAN UNATTACHED BREAK .
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Sunday 13 June
By Aarwin
On the 25th of this month my husband and I will celebrate our 44th wedding anniversary. We love each other more now than when we married. Neither of us have ever cheated despite opportunities because we both felt we have something special and didn't want to endanger it. Rules to live by: (1) Avoid situations that might present temptation. (2) Spend quality time together, just the two of you, concentrating and communicating with each other. (3) Always treat your spouse with respect. (4)When hard times come face them together, do not turn on each other. (5) Do not always try to place blame. (6) Never use sex to manipulate your partner. If your partner wants sex have one of two answers: Yes or Persuade me!
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Tuesday 15 June
By NB
These are words to live by. I'm living by these rules and have a wonderful man and marriage. Never any cheating or disrespecting. Never even have the thought. Raise your children in this manner and you will be amazed at how strong and successful they will be. Marriage should not be criticized or down played. The stronger, wiser person knows how important marriage is to feel truly fulfilled and it is the key to raising children/adults who have respect, values and good morals.
Wednesday 23 June
By dbig48d
Thanks Aarwin. We need more people like you to come out and give us directions. I hope to meet someone one day and I will use your words and directions. In some of my past relationships, I can see I did the opposite of what you suggested and it didnt work. I can only work on myself and not the other person. Thanks for the advice and God bless.
Tuesday 15 June
By Melby
Aarwin,
You speak words of wisdom. As though God was speaking through you.
You have the perfect combination to life's riddle. God made each of us for each other, and marriage and family only solidifies that. That's why it is a holy sacrament.
Problem is, people these days, don't know the true meaning of family, and it begins with husband and wife! Not just when the child arrives!
May God continue to bless you and your husband, and hopefully some smart ones out there will pick up on your spiritual wisdom!
Sunday 13 June
By Ed
I`m still uncertain why this article`s title interested me. But I read on. Before commenting on the other submissions, I must preface my comment by explaining that I have been married to my "highschool sweetheart" for 47 years. She, and her three sisters, are all "Norwegian beauties",,and I have had soo many men friends say "Damn Ed,,,why is your wife soo gorgeous? What is your secret?"
The "secret" is actually rather simple, really. She was a model for several years (as were two of her sisters),,and I was a "cop" for thirty years,,,tell me how many professions either of us may have had with more "cheating" chances? I know she naver has,,and she knows I never have; why?
We took our marriage vows seriously, we professed our love before family, friends and God. Our`s is a marriage based on love, respect, honor, and OK, she still is the hottest chick I ever met,,,go figure?
Just a thought from an old man,,,hope some find the kind of mate I have been blessed with.
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Sunday 13 June
By Julie
Damn, I`m much younger. hope I meet amn like you. That was wonderful. I`m crying sounds like my grandparents
Tuesday 15 June
By shasha
You are by the far the greatest =) makes me feel like one day even though I'm 29 already I'll find that in someone one day. Cheers to you and you're wife is a lucky woman!
Tuesday 15 June
By Doug
Hi Ed,
You have the secret my man. I wish I could have found a lady to share such a great life with. I am now 55 and was married 2 times to cheaters. I don't know why they did what they did.
Perhaps it is because, I am one of those men who is NOT a "bad boy." I have found way too many women think that love is a slap in the mouth or being called nasty names. I don't do those things and I fully believe it has cost me a number of relationships.
I was raised to be a gentleman and I like being one. I would have loved to find a lady who I saw as a "real beauty," with a personality and intellect to go with it, to grow old with.
Every couple I know who has been married to the same person for over 40 years tell me the same thing. They all see their spouce as the same beautiful person as when they met.
I am sure this is true because, as I grow older it has become much more difficult to find a lady I am totally attracted to. Not just physically, although that is a nice plus which makes the love life much better, but her total package. Intelligence, sense of humor, her desire for mutual honor and respect and so much more.
I fully believe those who are fortunate enough to find that one person who really does it for them, will always see that same beautiful person until the day they part to be with Jesus.
I am currently with a woman who has cheated on me since we met several years ago, but I had such a deep love for her from the start, I could not give her the boot. She pulled another of her cheating tricks on me a few months ago and almost tore my heart out. I thought she was finished with that garbage, but as I have read in many of the responces, once a cheater, always a cheater. Last week she even asked me if I will ever look at her the same way I used to look at her. I told her that if I do, it will take a lot of time for the hurts to go away. To be really honest, since the last time she pulled this, I have lost all trust for her and most of the respect I had for her. She is just someone to do things with for a while.
As time passes since her last trist, I have discovered I am finished forgiving her and before much longer, I will probably leave her.
She has caused me to have a very hard time trusting her and most women. I would rather be alone the rest of my life than to be with someone who has no respect for me and has to cheat.
My advise to those who want something to think about. Once you find that one person who really makes it happen for you, hang on to them and for both of your sake, don't cheat. Cheating is a relationship killer and as we get older and fatter and more wrinkled and so on, it is more difficult to find someone who can make one feel so good. Someone who, no matter what, will always look and feel like that beautiful person you met many years before.
Monday 14 June
By diane
It depends on the situation, sometimes someone doesn't want to do the work to keep a relationship on track.
People loose conection they once had but refuse to go for marriage counceling but hold on to what they have or they think a trip will make up for all the times they refused to spend with the person they say they love. or a bunch of hurtful words can cut like a knife and once they are said lead to real feelings of abandoment at least emotionally.
The problem with being cheeted on I was when I was in high school my boyfreind said I was the only girl the one he wanted to marry and for me not to cheet on him while he was away in the service. Turns out I guess about four months before he enlisted in the air force he had been with another girl and got her pregnant but said he wasn' t the dad I said to him you are 19 and if you have and this is your kid you need to take responsiblity not run. It hurt me to find out but I was so in love that I forgave him and wanted to help him with his family cause he was afarid he'd be forced to marry her. He wouldn't let me help he said I would never understand his parents. I knew them they tried to help me when my dad was drinking a lot I thought they were really good people and he should talk to them and tell them and deal with it. I said I was disapointed in him that I didn't hate him that we could be freinds and he had already proposed to me about a month before. I was willing to turst him but that he'd have to earn that trust again . He changed his phone and I don' t know if he delt with it. I think eventually it caught up to him. Sometimes if you love someone you find a way to forgive . I don't know if it's harder for men to forgive women . Women tend to get the short end of this one Men have a harder time being forgiving about cheeting. I was forced to cheet on him because we hadn't officially broken up after the issue with the girl . He came back from the service he got out on an hornable discharge during boot camp and psychologically he was a mess so his mom asked me to stay with him for a few months and not break up ... The relationship had been ruined because I knew he was trying to cover it all up about the other girl and I just wanted him to be honest to his folks and deal with it. I guess he was a scared 19 year old. The thing was I had met my husband when I felt the worse and I was very vunlriable and broken hearted , I felt that the relationship with this guy was not going to work not because I couldn't forgive him more because his unwillingness to deal with the consequences of his actions. I felt bad for the girl . He was saying she tricked him which I doubt that she was a real slut. I said why because you got caught if there was no kid and you got away with it she'd just be a girl you used. Women get the short end of the deal in this. It was ok to mess with her because he had no feelings for her...and untimately the person it hurt was me and he cried years later that he regreted how we ended I showed him my engagement ring and said I don't think I will be calling you,the truth I did and that thing with the girl was still going on cause his brother thought I was the other girl and he never got my phone call...I just was courious but we never had that date... I needed to be sure I was really over him I guess ... but it was what faith had intended it to be
"I am happy with who I am with." He had beaten my new boyfreind up because he happened to be at the movies the same night we had our frist date . I had tried to call him to break up but he wasn't home. I wasn't going to wait to do it any longer. I gave a month and a half because his mom asked me to said he might commit suside if I did break up with him . Guess he didn't love me like he claimed he did. Or as much as his mom thought he had.
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Sunday 13 June
By jogaym
Why cheat and hurt someone amd maybe yourself too. If you don't want to be with him any longer just be honest about it. Tell him the truth and move on. I wouldn't want my man to cheat on me and I would never,never cheat on him!
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Sunday 13 June
By Carole Berger
A few things I've learned about infidelity:
1.Both men and women are susceptible
2.Men tend to view their infidelity as less threatening to their primary relationship ("a little on the side") while a woman's infidelity often indicates a wish to leave her partner.
3.Both men and women can "fogive" an unfaithful partner, but men do (and should) have a harder time regaining self-confidence and trust.
4.Alpha males and females and people in an unmarried, childless relationship are more likely to cheat.
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Sunday 13 June
By cindythomas
people foul up every now and then. you can let it ruin your life or you can move on
GROW UP PEOPLE!!!!!
Reply
Tuesday 15 June
By Don Mack
Sunday 13 June By Marie
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The problem is men go after a woman for their looks not their personality and character. They like being treated like dirt, as long as she is beautiful. Whereas a woman looks for good character in a man not just his looks. In fact if a man is goodlooking I don't want to be bothered with him because he is generally self absorbed. These men complaining about women cheating on them should try going with a woman who has character and would never cheat on them. There are plenty of good women out there who would be loving and sincere but this is not the kind of women most men want.
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There is a lot of sense in what you say, Marie. However, it is the look of a woman that originally attracts us to them. And because of a pretty face and a nice figure, we suddenly see them as "angels." We take garbage from them, because we don't want to lose them. But in the end, when they cheat on us and then dump us, we get even. We shoot them and then dump them in the river. LOL!
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Tuesday 15 June
By betty
that's true and the problem with our society and men. men are only interested in the trophy of a young and beautiful woman with no regard as to the kind of person she is. no one wants an ordinary woman who would love you for you and not care if you were handsome or not. to me it the person's soul and personality that matter not how many heads will turn because you got the "barbie doll" with the big boobs.