Trojan Fire & Ice condomsOn its site, Trojan promises its new Fire and Ice condom will cause "thrilling sensations of pleasure" and "more passion and excitement." Since that sounds pretty awesome, we decided to try out this magical new prophylactic.

Using Trojan's Fire and Ice condoms was very similar to a horrible experience we had when running cross-country in high school. Back then, we'd slather Icy Hot on our legs before a race to keep them from cramping. One day, we had the genius idea of putting it on our stomach as well. As we ran the race, sweat poured out of our body, mixed with the Icy Hot on our stomach and then ran down to our crotch. Very soon our boys felt like they were on fire. Instead of running across the finish line, we sprinted to a very public restroom and furiously scrubbed our balls in the sink.

Trojan's new gimmick is essentially a condom dipped in Icy Hot. If that sounds like a terrible idea, that is because it is -- it's like having sex with a cold fan blowing your crotch. Do not buy these condoms unless you're into that kind of thing. And don't use them with a partner without saying something first. Unless for some reason you don't want to have sex with her again.

"You know how your mouth feels after going to the dentist?" our girlfriend said. "That's how my vag felt. It was like the lube was made out of novocaine."