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Great news for people who enjoy senseless violence and headline fights that are over with in four seconds: The New York State Senate has voted to allow the Ultimate Fighting Championship to take place here. No more will you have to take five trains and spend $27 just to get to smelly old Newark to watch the MMA fisticuffs. No more will you have gone all the way to Jersey just to watch Kimbo Slice take a punch like your sister.

According to The Wall Street Journal, "17,000 people showed up to an Ultimate Fighting Championship title bout in Newark." On top of that, your fellow statesman snapped up 30 percent of that showdown's tickets, with 2,000 more crazies checking out the action on TV screens at Radio City.

How anyone in either venue escaped the noxious fumes from all that fan B.O. is an area of this story we're still looking into. Assuming the State Assembly gets it together to actually pass this historic bill, we have decided to nominate 10 New Yorkers to five battles (hopefully to the death) in the UFC ring on its first night at Madison Square Garden. Feel free to add more people you'd like to see beat each other up in the comments.
Debrahlee Lorenzana vs. Brooke Hundley
The Disgruntled Employee Smackdown
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There is a lot of anti-employer rage these days. Everyone seems to think they are entitled to jobs for life and it's the company's fault for firing them. We think that ruling applies, at least, in the case of sacked banker Debrahlee Lorenzana, the already-ubiquitous local news presence who claims Citibank couldn't handle her hotness. Maybe they just couldn't handle her snooty attitude, which we hope Brooke Hundley knocks out of her. You'll recall Hundley as the ESPN production assistant who screwed/stalked her boss (and is back in the news with a lawsuit against the sports network). This one will be more "catty fight" than catfight, which is why we want to see it for real.


Eliot Spitzer vs. Ashley Dupre
The Lovers Quarrel
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They met in a Washington, D.C., hotel for a harmless night of sex and ended up ruining the entire state of New York. (Oh, how we miss Spitzer's financial expertise in the governor's mansion.) This is the slugfest you've been waiting for -- they both secretly blame each other for their respective ruination, but both of them entered the deal out of their own free will. Spitzer is probably still the same pansy who whined about using a condom, so he might not be too punchy. Dupre posed for Playboy and sold millions of 99-cent mp3s in the wake of the scandal, and now she's an intolerably boring sex columnist for the NY Post, so what does she have to complain about? Expect Silda Spitzer to throw a chair or two into the ring just to keep this interesting.
Derek Jeter vs. David Wright
The Sports Rivalry
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Sorry, Yankees fans, Derek Jeter is a giant douche. Look at how he chews that gum with his mouth open -- like a vapid runway model -- never loses his cool, and ... oh damn, he's actually a pretty cool guy. We just hate that he makes victories and base hits seem so effortless, so hopefully David Wright and his underdog Mets will slap some humble into the pretty boy.
Anthony Bourdain vs. Alan Richman
The Food Fight
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Why is Anthony Bourdain still so effing angry? The onetime chef, now bestselling author and host of his wildly popular -- and deservedly so -- Food Network show, "Eating the Balls Off Live Animals With Tony Bourdain," doesn't have much to bitch about these days, but that didn't stop him from giving readers of his newest book what they were looking for: the old, pissed-off Bourdain. He headed one chapter "Alan Richman Is a Douchebag," setting off a flame war on 14-time James Beard Award–winning food writer Richman's blog. Richman retaliated by calling the superstar chef "a living, breathing low blow. That's all he does. He lives it, exults in it, profits from it." Well, they can both profit from low blows at the UFC anytime they want.
Julia Allison vs. Kari Ferrell
The Cyber-Bully Bout
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We hope this battle, featuring two overexposed Internet fameballs and self-worshipping nutjobs ends in a draw, with both fighters beating the Wi-Fi out of each other, unable to ever access the World Wide Web again. Too harsh? Did we mention one of them is Kari Ferrell (aka, the Hipster Grifter), who went from con artist to cyber-royalty; the other is Julia Allison, one of the most-hated people on the Internet? Some would say we were too kind.