This past weekend, the ensemble comedy "Grown Ups"
debuted in theaters to a whopping box office take of $41 million. The plot is classic comedy territory: an adventure weekend with old friends and their families who get together for the first time in a decade.
But what they don't tell you in the commercials is, the movie "Grown Ups" kills puppies! It also causes erectile dysfunction, voted "yes" on the Arizona immigration law and was running point for the cover-up on the Vatican sex scandals. Or at least that's what one would assume after reading the reviews for "Grown Ups."
Here are 15 of the most ridiculously nasty quotes from reviews for "Grown Ups."
"That's essentially the set-up and the entire gist of the flimsy 'plot' where a ridiculously cumbersome ensemble cast leaves little room for any of them to really stand out, except Sandler of course. He pretty much insures that he's never the butt of jokes or made to look bad while putting all of his friends through hell." -- Edward Douglass from Coming Soon
"Director Dennis Dugan is to screen comedy what the atomic bomb was to Nagasaki." -- Matt Brunson from Creative Loafing
"You find yourself chuckling at a lonely gag that halfway works -- not that I can remember any right now -- and end up shivering with cold sweat, convinced that watching 'Grown Ups' has permanently damaged your sanity and intelligence." -- Andrew O'Hehir from Salon
"It looks like everyone had a good time making 'Grown Ups.' Too bad you can't say the same thing about watching it." -- Joe Neumaier from the New York Daily News
"When 'Grown Ups' star and co-writer Adam Sandler repeatedly slapped Rob Schneider in the face with a dehydrated banana, I was jealous of Schneider, who suffered less than I did getting slapped upside the head by this rotting fruit of a comedy." -- Kyle Smith from the New York Post
"The new Adam Sandler comedy has all the charm of a home movie that does not star your own family, which means it's overly sentimental, filled with you-had-to-be-there moments, bad jokes and even worse camera angles." -- Betsy Sharkey from the Los Angeles Times
"It's like The Big Chill made by morons." -- Bill Goodykoontz from Arizona Republic
"The Friends of Adam Sandler Jobs Creation Program is in full swing in 'Grown Ups.' With this movie, he might have created more jobs than Bush and Obama combined." -- Willie Waffle from Wafflemovies
"Unless restrained by another, far superior creative force (P.T. Anderson, Judd Apatow), Sandler's recent career is a cautionary tale in self-mutilation." -- Brandon Fibbs from Brandonfibbs.com
"The good news for Adam Sandler is that people may finally stop razzing him about 'Little Nicky.' The bad news is that any dramatic street cred he may have built up with 'Punch-Drunk Love' or even 'Funny People' will be as forgotten as Hitler's penmanship." -- Mike Ward from Richmond.com
"Come on Sandler, you've got all the money in the world. Challenge yourself instead of headlining crap like this." -- Richard Roeper from Ebert & Roeper
"Dugan and Sandler are like the BP of lowbrow gags. Their movies are an unpluggable gusher of juvenile comedy; the good gags wash up along the bad, and it's your job to sort through the muck." -- Gary Thompson from Philadelphia Daily News
"Shockingly inept even by the standards we've come to expect from a Happy Madison production, 'Grown Ups' feels as if it were made without considering whether an audience would ever actually see it." -- Christy Lemire from Associated Press
"When rock stars grow old and fade, they often resort to touring with other has-been howlers, hoping each act will attract enough fans for a reasonable facsimile of an audience. It's much the same desperation that brings us what might just be the summer's worst movie, no small feat in a season already reeking of foul cinematic emissions." -- Peter Howell from TheStar.com
"But 'Grown Ups' is certainly the laziest, most unfocused and obviously assembled film he's made in a decade and a huge step in the wrong direction after last summer's challenging 'Funny People.' It's as if Sandler looked at that film's lack of financial success and said, 'OK, they don't want smart, they don't want edgy? Let's give them garbage.'" -- Tom Long from The Detroit News
ROB SCHNEIDER IS IN THIS MOVIE! What did people expect!?! Also, when did people start thinking Adam Sandler was a thespian and not a fart comic? Did anyone see "You Don't Mess With the Zohan"
? A fair estimate would be that 80 percent of the movie involves Adam Sandler having sex with elderly women. When did Sandler become Olivier? He was the "Waterboy"