Our weekly dispatch from the nation's foremost mustache expert.

Mexican molly fishThe Mustached American community has always known that the power of the lower-nose fluffer extends beyond upper-lip warmth and food storage. This week, two scientific developments spread this understanding to a broader audience.

As reported by BBC's Earth News, scientists are unsure why male Mexican molly fish (Poecilia sphenops) wear an extravagant mustache on their top lip. A new study published in the journal Behavioral Ecology and Sociobiology revealed that female mollies find the flavor-saving instrument of justice to be sexually attractive.

The study unveils a long-understood mating tactic, one frequently used in the Mustached American community: that mustaches are often used by the male molly fish to rub the female fish's genitals, thereby exciting the lady fish.



Furthering the notion of the sexually adventuresome prowess of the Mustached American, the London Daily Telegraph is also reporting this week that a new survey in Australia found six in 10 women agree that men with facial hair have far more sex appeal than their cleaner-cut counterparts.

Nearly two thirds of the men surveyed also agreed that having well-groomed facial hair gives them a much better success rate with women. Seventy-five percent of men said wearing facial hair makes them feel more attractive to women; 76 percent declared they feel more interesting with well-groomed facial hair; and 68 percent went as far as to say they think their chin rug gives them more personality.

The Aussie survey was conducted by Schick Men's razors with Jigsaw Strategic Research. It asked men and women age 16 to 34 about the effects of various facial-hair styles on the success rate of men trying to bag women. The conclusion: Men with facial hair have more sex, which of course means there was no need for the study -- as this is common knowledge in the Mustached American community.

Indeed, whether it is fish-on-fish or Mustached Australians on a willing mate, this week the world received additional proof of the power of the labia sebucula (Latin for "lip sweater"). Whether it is tearing the head off a prisoner of war, or making sweet, passionate love to a friendly partner -- nothing enhances that experience quite like a mustache.


For Dr. Abraham J. Froman's mustache perspective, check in every Wednesday on Asylum.