New Yorkers can't agree on anything except maybe that the Metropolitan Transportation Authority is a giant, unwieldy behemoth, destructive and embarrassing, like something out of the "Transformers" movies.

Luckily, there's a new sheriff in town: Diana Jones Ritter, the new budgetary head of the MTA's administrative departments. Her job is to make sure our tax dollars are not ablaze in an executive fireplace (at home $100 bonfires are still permissible) and trains are not sitting idly in tunnels for 20 minutes because the conductor is hitting on a group of high schoolers.

Actually, Ritter has no control over the service changes and fare hikes that are the bane of our existence. Her duties basically include trying to keep costs down and avoid the endless controversies that follow her to the job, such as, oh, we don't know, allegations of misuse of funds by her husband and a prior job "marred by runaway overtime, nepotism and wasteful spending." It also didn't help that she couldn't even get the name of her employer right, referring to it as the Metropolitan Transit Authority. Busted.

Keep reading for our suggested list of things the new cost-cutter can do rather than looting the treasury.

1. Make executions of fare-jumpers, normally carried out in secret cigar lounges, public; charge a $29.95 pay-per-view fee.

2. Bloomberg is still making good on his campaign promise to ride the subway to work every day, right? And he's still woefully out of touch, correct? Great, then tell him they've raised the standard fare to $229,000.

3. Add a $15 surcharge for people with yoga mats taking the subway. Because they're smelly.

4. The city's homeless problem is spiraling out of control, so much so that even the mayor has been forced to acknowledge that he actually notices them. And while the city has been shutting down centers and cutting off funding for these handout-seeking socialists (joke), they could boost the MTA while they're at it by charging homeless people sleeping on the train $50-a-night "hotel fees."

5. Just kill the damn G train already. Everyone hates it, it never runs, and the MTA doesn't even pretend it shows up anymore. Stop the madness.