's new safe-for-work website -- you know, for those who read the magazine for its articles.
Seriously, though, with the magazine in turmoil, this may be part of Hugh Hefner
's plan to take his 50-plus-year-old enterprise private
. Since the dawn of Internet porn, Hef and his ilk have struggled to find footing (and a financially sensible model) on the Web. Their latest endeavor may not be "too little," but it's probably "too late."
Smoking Jacket would have gone over in a big way (like those ubiquitous Pamela Anderson implants
) back in 1995 or so. It would have established the magazine's world domination in all markets, including video and print, and probably kept them that way as safe-for-the-office websites like Maxim Online
stole their thunder. Now, we can only lament what might have been.
The best example of this is the newly unveiled SFW archives on Smoking Jacket, particularly one photo spread from the 1983 Playmate Playoffs
. Apparently, the magazine held these competitive games of physical feats and excellent bikini-ness at the Mansion back in the day and didn't invite us. Luckily, you can keep reading for the best shots from those glory days.
Host Chuck Woolery
, then of a very famous television dating show, tells a contestant he has a "Love Connection
" for her in his pants.
Fortunately for Purple Bikini Girl, her friend comes to the rescue by dumping the bucket of Gatorade over the coach's head before
Team One Captain Hubert J. Hefner
confers with his squad of J.V. Bikini Jell-O Wrestlers
. "All right, girls, here's the rub," he's saying. "No, seriously, rub right here. No? OK, back to the game plan: You'll use the brunette as a screen because the others will be baffled we had a non-blonde in this smut rag and will become distracted. Everyone crosses the finish line with the pigskin, then race upstairs to see who'll be the first to crack my pelvis tonight."
Here we observe a "pole sliding" game
involving a giant pink ball, four bikini-clad Playmates
and a grand total of three butt shots. More than a quarter of a century later and reality television still hasn't figured out how to draw in straight male viewers.
shows off her unique bone structure, athletic ability, endurance, wingspan, there's a sale at Bob's Discount Furniture this wee-- oh, never mind, you didn't even get through half that sentence.
The Playboy Historical Archives
lists this photo as depicting a cleanup crew after a night of debauchery in Hefner's bedroom
, but that might be a misprint. It's probably from the day's pie-toss contest. Next time, more whipped cream, please.
We wish Playboy would release its entire archive of vintage SFW porn
, just so we have something to do during our day jobs as members of the United States Congress.
Brian Fairbanks is Asylum's resident porn historian.