If fish ever grow legs or figure out how to breathe air, we are so incredibly screwed. For now, they're lurking underwater, growing larger, and scaring the bejeezus out of us all here at Asylum.

A world-record-breaking catfish was recently hauled out of the waters of the Missouri river near the Columbia Bottoms. It weighed 130 pounds. Just imagine the size of the cloaca on that thing.

As further proof of the fact that we're all going to meet a watery end, two months ago some fishermen in Alaska caught a 430-lb. halibut. (On second thought, that might not be a halibut. It might just be a way to make sure we have nightmares for the rest of our life.)

Finally, yesterday a whale launched first strike by throwing itself onto a sail boat near South Africa, meaning we may not even have until fish grow legs to plan our mode of defense against the seemingly inevitable Attack of Giant Sea Creatures.

Think what you want of our theory, but we're going use all our savings to buy a head-to-toe dolphin suit and try to stick it out until the War of Aquatic Aggression ends. Then we're going to become president of their Fish Congress, and we'll see who's laughing. Keep reading for videos of some huge, scary fish monsters.

Record-breaking catfish:




The giant halibut: