Chum buddySHARK WEEK! The one week out of the year when not only is there always something awesome on television, but your mom doesn't hold it against you that you got a degree in fine arts. Also, for some strange reason, it hardly ever rains; though if it does rain, it rains candy -- because Shark Week is the best week ever.

We don't know what your Shark Week plans are, but we do know that you are probably woefully under-equipped. How can you expect to enjoy any shark-related programming without turning yourself and your surroundings into a living shrine to the lion of the sea?

Fortunately, we've done most of the legwork, scouring the Internet and rounding up the nine essential shark non-essentials for you. All you need is a credit card on hand and a willingness to make those minimum payments for a loooong time.

Here they are, in no particular order:

9. The Chum Buddy
Just what kind of enthusiast do you think you are? You weren't really planning on watching not from the inside of a gigantic stuffed shark, were you? Available from Patch Together for $199.95.

More totally necessary shark gear after the jump.

A shark that can fly? We're all gonna die!8. Flying Shark
You know how the one comforting thought about sharks is that at least they're trapped in the ocean? Yeah, ummmmmm, this one can fly. And you can control it with a remote! Death from above for only $99.

It's a tent that looks like a shark!7. Shark Tent
So, this one is currently unavailable, but we had to list it because A) Amazon doesn't know when it's going to be back in stock (it could be tomorrow!!), and B) Can you imagine curling up inside your shark tent in your Chum Buddy to watch a show about sharks? Your house would probably start swimming around the block and eating all the smaller houses.

Pocket Shark
6. Pocket Shark
Admittedly, this is the least sharky of all the shark stuff, but come on, it's like a tiny little Yawara stick you can keep in your pocket. Imagine how amazing it would be to shriek "POCKET SHARK!" as you bust someone on the back of the head with it. Plus it's also a permanent marker, so you could write "You've been sharked!" on the guy's face once he's down. AND it's only $7.
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Shark attack!

5. Man-Eating Shark Costume
Say you've got a Chum Buddy. You even managed to score a tent. What are you going to do if you have to leave the house (perhaps for some of these)? Fie! For $64.45, you can take Shark Week with you wherever you go by dressing up as a man being eaten by a shark. BONUS: You can make the legs thrash around like the person being eaten is still alive.

Shark knife4. Shark Knife
OK, so we have no idea where this is from or how much it costs, but it looks like something Kevin Spacey would have used if "Seven" had been a little more like "Deep Blue Sea." So, we suggest finding a knife guy to make you one of these. Anybody who sees you coming at them with this thing is going to be terrified -- mostly because you're obviously skilled enough with knives to put this on without accidentally goring yourself.
wetsuit3. Shark-Attack Wet Suit
You know, because sometimes you want the look of a shark attack without all the pesky, shark-attracting blood loss. Contact Diddo for availability and pricing.

Sharkdog!2. Sharkdog
If you want your dog to stop barking at you for being dressed up like a shark, you're going to have to dress him like one, too. Even after Shark Week is over, this one is good all year round for your many "Eek! The Cat"–themed costume parties. Plus, it's only $13.99.
Free! 1. Shark Mask
And to top it off, here's one for all of our unemployed readers, who would rather spend their money on cable than shark products. This mask is free, if you have construction paper (and what grown man doesn't?), and has a mouth hole big enough that you can easily eat nachos and drink beer while wearing it. You can get instructions for constructing it at Brighter Minds Media.