Our weekly dispatch from the nation's foremost mustache expert.

I'm a dreamer. My fascination with Mr. T causes me to repeatedly dream that I'm his sidekick in "A-Team" episodes. I've also always dreamed of being a mascot.

To be large, fluffy and with a permanent expression no matter what the situation -- like, remaining cool under pressure, akin to Chuck Norris even when surrounded by a troupe of eye-patch-wearing Lithuanian assassins. It doesn't get much better.

Despite this fascination, I have grave reservations (as does the greater Mustached American community) about our country's premiere mascot showcase: the Capital One Mascot Championship. Currently, discussions are under way between Capital One and the United Coalition of College Mascots.

Whereas this year's Capital One All-America Mascot Team ranges from the glitzy Joe Bruin of UCLA to the mononymous Monte of the University of Montana, just two of the 16 mascots have mustaches: the University of Idaho's Joe Vandal and Paydirt Pete of the University of Texas El Paso (UTEP). For those counting at home, that's only 12.5 percent.

As the mascots compete throughout the college football season to be named the Capital One Mascot of the Year at the Capital One Bowl on Jan. 1, winning $15,000 for its university's mascot scholarship program, it will serve as a reminder of 1988, when mustache penetration in America was at an all-time low.

Regardless, we will indeed participate, watch the videos and vote each week in support of the candidacies of Idaho's Mr. Vandal and UTEP's Mr. Pete, as well as encouraging write-ins for the likes of New Mexico State's Pistol Pete, Virginia's Cavalier, Wyoming's Cowboy Joe and, of course, Three Rivers Community College's Rocky Raider.

Can a Mustached American win the Capital One National Mascot of the Year? I can only dream.

While I do, head below the jump to see who Joe Vandal and Paydirt Pete are up against.



For Dr. Abraham J. Froman's mustache perspective, check in every Wednesday on Asylum.