A long time ago, in a place where no man had boldly gone before, the great debate over "Star Trek" and "Star Wars" began. "Which saga is better?" asked nerds of all races, colors and Greedos. This weekend, Epic Win Burlesque is set to settle the discussion once and for all at "The Star Debate" at New York City's The Tank Theater.

They call it the "sexy symposium to settle the case of 'Trek' vs. 'Wars,'" and they plan to settle it the only way they know how: with intergalactic boobage. Arguing in favor of Captain James T. Kirk (the T stands for "Tiberius," fool) will be vixens with names like Bonnie Voy'age and Lefty Lucy. Victoria Privates and Magdalena Fox will make the case that Mark Hamill wasn't so forgettable a leading man after all.

Asylum decided to hold its own little symposium to determine the true winner, only without all the sexy dancing girls. So without further ado, we present "Star Trek" vs. "Star Wars," the final frontier, the last prequel, the lightsaber-phaser battle to the death -- or at least the next permutation on the Syfy channel.

Keep reading for our answer to the age-old question: Which is better: Star Wars or Star Trek?

Kick-Ass Protagonists: Captain Kirk vs. Luke Skywalker
Shatner wins everything merely by existing. To humor you, we'll consider the case of Mr. Hamill and his Luke Skywalker. He has George Lucas–scripted dialogue, a robe that makes him look like a towel boy in Caligula's jacuzzi and worships an old man who lives in a cave. Kirk is played by William Effing Shatner.
Edge: "Star Trek"

Movies: Lousy Prequels vs. Endless Sequels
As crappy as the "Star Wars" prequels were, the originals are three classics that top any three "Star Trek" movies you can name, including the relatively exciting recent J.J. Abrams reboot. Although we still can't stand those damn Ewoks ...
Edge: "Star Wars"

Sex Symbols: Princess Leia in a Slave Bikini vs. Seven of "Nine"'s Body Suit
Jeri Ryan is so hot, she must be some sort of alien creature beamed down by Scotty to tempt us nerds into intergalactic baby-making -- that, or she was sent here to guarantee Barack Obama's political career, which is basically what happened. Then you have Princess Leia's turn as Jabba's slave in "Return of the Jedi" and ... well, that's that. Which one have you fantasized about more? We thought so.
Edge
: "Star Wars"

Creationists: George Lucas vs. Gene Roddenberry
George Lucas, who wrote and directed the original "Star Wars," and Gene Roddenberry, who created the "Star Trek" series for NBC, both took their inspiration from religion and other sources. (In Lucas's case, you can directly trace the origin of "Star Wars" to the Bible and Akira Kurosawa's "The Hidden Fortress.") Both were fabulously rich men who kept their series going through films, novelizations and conventions. But only one of them was blasted into space after he died: Roddenberry. The other guy is still chugging along, although he was most recently seen preventing Ole Miss from using Admiral Akbar as its mascot.
Edge: "Star Trek"

Enduring Popularity: Unopened Darth Vader Figures vs. Enterprise Uniforms
There's a reason no one brags about being a Trekkie: You have to wear those ridiculous body-suit-like uniforms with the communicator on them, whereas "Star Wars" fans get to horde their toys and watch them grow into an entire college fund for their kids. Women prefer "Star Wars" nerds to "Star Trek" nerds, so, in a sense, "Star Wars" should win this contest automatically.
Edge: "Star Wars"


Final tally: In a 3–2 victory, "Star Wars" beats "Star Trek" in Asylum's battle of superiority. If you want to see the rematch with less clothing, head to Epic Win Burlesque's "The Star Debate: Trek vs. Wars" ($15; 9:30 p.m. on Friday, Sept. 10, and Saturday, Sept. 11, at the Tank Theater).

Check out some of their previous semi-nude nerdery below:


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The Ladies of Ghostbusters Burlesque

Bonnie Voy'age as Slimer

What would you do in the event of a Slimer attack?
"WELL ..." [In Bonnie's creepy Slimer voice] "I'd probably be very attracted to him ... IF ya know what I mean ... heh heh heh ... wink wink, nudge nudge."

What's your favorite "Ghostbusters" scene?
"Uhhh the one that has Sliiiimer in it?!"

Did we really have to ask?

The Ladies of Ghostbusters Burlesque

Boo Bess the Baroness as Janine Melnitz

Who's the sexiest Ghostbuster? "Dr. Venkman because he's a rapist. No wait -- Egon because he's the cutest."

What would you do in the event of a Slimer attack?
"I'd just let him drip alllll over me."

Favorite GB Scene: "'Ghostbusters 2' when Peter MacNicol wakes up and goes, 'Why am I drippings vis goo?'"

The Ladies of Ghostbusters Burlesque

Miss Mary Cyn as Gozer the Gozerian

Tell Us About Your Costume:
"I wanted to do his act for a very long time, but didn't think anyone would recognize it if I did it in a regular show."

Favorite GB Scene:
"I think it might change every time I see it. Probably the scene where they're going up the stairs and Venkman's like 'What floor are we on?' 'cause they're in the teens, and he's like 'Wel,l let me know when we get to the 20s, 'cause I'm gonna throw up.'

What would you do in the event of a Slimer attack?
"I'd probably do what I always do when I see something freaky: just stop and stare."

The Ladies of Ghostbusters Burlesque

Magdalena Fox as Sugar Skull Day of the Dead

What inspired your costume?
"I was researching imagery for my new tattoo, so I really fell in love with it and wanted to base my act around it."

What would you do in the event of a Slimer attack?
"Scream, crawl into the fetal position, and then eat the slime."

Who is the sexiest Ghostbuster?
"Bill Murray!"

The Ladies of Ghostbusters Burlesque

Victoria Privates as Dana Barrett as Zuul

What inspired your costume?
"I was inspired by the really creepy scene where Dana becomes Zuul. I wanted to do something with her possession, as I thought it was really scary and sexy at the same time.

Sexiest GB?
"Egon! I've had a crush on him since I was a little kid. I owned an action figure and I just loved it."

What would you do in the event of a Slimer attack?
"Oh my God. What would I do? I'd call the Ghostbusters!"

The Ladies of Ghostbusters Burlesque

BB Heart as Japanese Horror Ghost

What inspired your costume?
"It's not really 'Ghostbusters,' but in the same vein. I watch a lot of Japanese and Korean horror movies like 'The Ring' and 'The Grudge.'

Which Ghostbuster would you most like to haunt?
"You know, I actually like Janine 'cause she's sassy-hot and I LOVE a girl in glasses!"

What would you do in the event of a Slimer attack?
"Probably hope that I wasn't wearing my favorite dress, but I'd probably just go with it. You know, you kinda just have to go with those sort of things."

The Ladies of Ghostbusters Burlesque

Lefty Lucy as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man

Which Ghostbuster would you most like to squish?
"Even though he's totally a sexual predator, I can't not be charmed by Bill Murray as Dr. Venkman."

The Ladies of Ghostbusters Burlesque

Lefty Lucy as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man

Tell us about your costume:
"I worked with my friend and costume designer David Withrow to figure out the best way to do this costume. We talked about gluing marshmallows to me, using balloons, and a number of other things, but then we found this file material that looked and moved just like marshmallow skin does, and immediately we knew what we needed to do."

The Ladies of Ghostbusters Burlesque

Lefty Lucy as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man

What is your favorite GB scene?
"In the first movie, I love when Rick Moranis gets chased in to Central Park and cornered against Tavern on the Green. I'm probably the only person who likes 'Ghostbusters 2,' and I got to see it in a movie theater shortly after 9/11. It's cheesy, but there was something incredibly moving about seeing the Statue of Liberty walk down the street."

The Ladies of Ghostbusters Burlesque