Wait till the People Of Wal-Mart website hears about this guy: a 28-year-old father-of-the-year candidate arrested for masturbating at a Florida Wal-Mart. William Tyler Black somehow completed the big box store trifecta: allegedly looking at porn, jerking off and leaving his seed all over the toys.

Oh, and he's a substitute teacher.

As The Smoking Gun notes, perhaps Black's greatest crime isn't that he works with children or that he has a daughter who will probably hear no end of jokes about this, but that the toy he apparently rubbed his semen all over was a "Star Wars" lightsaber.

Black is accused of taking a magazine into the childrens toy aisle and masturbating to photos in it, then leaving stains on the floor and on the lightsaber nearby. An employee unfortunately witnessed his climax and had to call in the cops -- proving there is a worse moment in life than actually obtaining a job at Wal-Mart.

To be fair, the object of his affections was Brooklyn Decker, who graces the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Black was whack-attacking. Nonetheless, police were unforgiving and asked him for an explanation for his ridiculous behavior. He told them "I was shopping for a toy for my daughter."

Disappointed by his answer, they slapped him with two charges: indecent exposure and battery, the latter resulting from the fact that cops believe a child could have easily come into contact with Black's semen. His bond totals $2,000 and he faces fines and/or prison, which seems just for tainting our nerdy childhood memories forever.