Every morning, Maury Povich rises from a coffin filled with his native earth, puts on his human face and heads to work, where fresh victims wait to trade their dignity for a free paternity test.
After they've memorized the foul invective they'll hurl during the show's pre-taped introductions, they step into the studio lights of Maury's lair. And that's where we, the American audience, come in.
Read on to see the train wreckage that is aMaury Povich paternity testing episode, and help us keep it from happening in the future by remembering one simple fact about condoms: They're fairly cheap and easy to put on.
There, we just prevented 1,000 babies from ever being conceived. Take that, John Connor and Second Coming Jesus!
Happy news sends one fellow into a real-life synchronized dance number. That only happens in "Glee." (Does it happen in "Glee?" We don't have a girlfriend right now, so no one's ever made us watch it.) Only one thing's for sure -- when you dance this well, you'll have women lining up to drag you into a paternity suit.
Telia appeared on the show nine times and gloated over Dion that he must be her baby's daddy. The test results literally knock him out of his seat and catapult her across the stage. The real victim, however, is the audience member who gets left hanging at 1:24. Oh, and the child. Always, the child.
Is it us, or, in this next clip, does the victory dance steal the mother's life force? She flees its effects, but is struck down before she can escape.
No male guest was so excited to be free of responsibility as Felix. He executed a neat backflip, which is more than most men do when their child's born (let alone disinherited).
Not to be outdone, Aaron lands a solid backflip with no hands! And, apparently, no empathy.
Maury's official Most Outrageous Guest pioneered the "I'm not the dad" explosive acrobatics, but still fathered six kids. Branden finally realized creating human life isn't a Saturday afternoon hobby. It's a good thing he stopped having kids of his own volition, because he was one away from a court-ordered vasectomy.
Although it is pretty heart-wrenching when the betrayed father cries, here there was one pretty obvious tip-off: It's one thing not to question your child's complexion; it's quite another to believe you fathered a baby that adorable.
Just think how many of these kids are going to get psychologically scarred when their classmates find YouTube clips of their parents wishing they'd never been born. Povich's compassion for these guests might be genuine, but, if he really cares about their well-being, why's he still giving them a venue to make fools of themselves and their loved ones?