When games actually attempt to be sexy, they usually end up being quite the opposite: awkward, confusing and unspeakable, not unlike when you lost your virginity. Some of these forays, however, are pretty funny -- as are the video game porn spoofs they've inspired.

Here's a look at some of the least sexy video games in history. (Due to their adult content, to view the videos, you must be signed into YouTube.)

For funny stories about how these and other "erotic" games got made, check out the book "Porn & Pong: How Grand Theft Auto, Tomb Raider and Other Sexy Games Changed Our Culture." You'll never look at an Atari joystick the same way.

"Custer's Revenge" (1982, Mystique for the Atari 2600)
This game was actually banned in Canada, as well as in several American counties. The premise has the infamous General George Custer physically violating a naked Native American woman who's tied to a cactus. The real shame is that the $50 game sold 80,000 copies -- about double the amount of the average Atari 2600 game at the time. A LEGO stop-motion sex tape would look better -- and not make you feel like you need a double shower.



"Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" (2004, Rockstar Games for the PlayStation 2 and Xbox)

Sure, when it comes to sex in video games, "GTA" and its infamous hidden sex game Hot Coffee always get mentioned. But have you actually taken a look at the scene? The woman is making awkward blowjob gestures in front of the man's zipped jeans, and once they get into the missionary position, the guy demands reassurance every two seconds. When it was exposed in spring 2005, we all spent hours trying to unlock the secret scene to see 30 seconds of uncomfortable sex. Suckers. (We couldn't link to the video here, but if you click on the screen shot it will take you to the very NSFW scene.)




"RapeLay" (2006, Illusion Soft for PCs)

Yes, the name means exactly what you think it means. Essentially a revenge fantasy, "RapeLay" has its main character sexually assaulting a woman and her two daughters on a Japanese train. The Japanese-only title was released rather quietly in 2006, but about once a year a major media outlet digs it up and pushes it back to the forefront. Everyone from CNN to Penn Jillette has chimed in on the controversial game. This much is clear: If you have to force a virtual character to have sex with you, you have bigger issues than a damn video game. (Also, this concept is really, really not sexy.)



"Beat 'em & Eat 'em" (1983, Mystique for the Atari 2600)

While the '80s bred more than a handful of masturbation simulators (Commodore 64 Stroker FTW!), the Atari 2600 game "Beat 'em & Eat 'em" was the cream of an embarrassing crop. The protagonists are two open-mouthed women running around trying to catch the love of a (very excited) man. Deviant? Yes. Sexy? Not so much.



"Gal's Panic" (1990, Kaneko for Arcades)

The schoolgirl fantasy "Gal's Panic" came from Japan, home of tentacle porn and used-underwear vending machines, but it actually was a top-10 hit in America, too. Chipping away at the screen removes a young woman's clothes. Hit the "right" spots and she'll moan in gratitude -- loudly. If you catch "Gal's Panic" or one of the (five!) sequels in the arcade, try playing it without feeling like Chris Hansen is about to come out from behind the machine.



"X-Man" (1983, Universal Game-X for Atari 2600)

The megahit "Pac-Man" inspired a ton of sequels and clones, but the worst (aside from the pinball / video game combo "Baby Pac-Man") has to be "X-Man." A three-legged little person must run through a maze avoiding crabs, scissors and teeth (Dr. Freud, line 1). Your reward for crossing this gauntlet: a close-up, doggy-style sex scene. And that pennywhistle sound you hear? It's the orgasm indicator. Oh, and the woman is purple, something Bioware stole two decades later for "Mass Effect." Obviously.



"Boong-Ga Boong-Ga" (2001, Taff Systems for Arcades)

The Asian arcade game "Boong-Ga Boong-Ga" is notable for two reasons: First, it comes with a cool, oversized hand controller. Second, one uses the controller to shove his or her virtual hand as hard as possible into the rectum of an onscreen enemy. "Anal play" is more publicly accepted in Japan, where the Korean game made a big splash, but winning based on how hard and accurately you can hit the bootie is probably a bit much for the average player. How much do you want to win?