When the good people at the Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino invited me to the Las Vegas premiere of "The Expendables," I couldn't pack my bags fast enough. I was finally going to stroll the red carpet, rubbing elbows with Hollywood's biggest stars while making sassy wisecracks -- just like my hero, Joan Rivers.

When I arrived in Vegas, I was given the full high-roller treatment, as part of the casino's experiment of letting lowly bloggers experience the "Diamond Life," a rewards program for Vegas' biggest spenders.

I enjoyed limo rides, free meals and bottle service at five-star restaurants, as well as a bunch of other stuff to make me feel more important than the other people around me gambling away their children's college funds. It was awesome!

When the time for the premiere finally came, however, the star treatment came to an end. I found out that we Internet writers would not actually be allowed on the carpet, but would instead have to stand behind a velvet rope, like a group of little match girls, watching the fat-cat "mainstream journalists" chat up the celebs.

This was a situation I could not abide, so I decided to take matters into my own hands. The results were mixed and ended with me being unceremoniously asked to leave. Suffice it to say, I now understand why they didn't want me there in the first place. Keep reading to see documentation of my experience sneaking onto and getting kicked off of the carpet.



Oliver Noble is known colloquially around the Asylum offices as "that filthy criminal."