man screamingWe live in an uncertain world, but there's an order to the universe that we can nonetheless derive comfort from: Two and two is always four, the Cubs will never go to the World Series and your left ball is always on the left side of your -- wait, what? "Testicular torsion"? Oh no, this is going to hurt to read about.

Writer and comedian Evan Jacobs found out the hard way that, while a man's testicles are meant to remain on their natural side, the wrong sort of physical activity -- in his case, lifting weights and performing a bent-over row to work his lats -- can set into motion a switcheroo.

While Jacobs initially numbed the pain with a joint and a hot shower, he later experienced what he described as a pain akin to "a nuclear device going off in [his] bladder". The reason for the agony? The spermatic cords, which attach the testes to the body, fail to get enough blood, which can result in tissue death of the balls -- in turn, resulting in spiritual and emotional death, we're pretty sure.

Keep reading for more information that will haunt your dreams.

Whereas Jacobs emerged from the experience with only (we presume) permanent psychological damage, the risks are high: if treated within 12 hours, the chance of saving the testicle drops to 50 percent (from 90 percent, if caught in the first six hours). More than 12 hours to get to the hospital? Your odds are a lowly 10 percent that you'll remain complete.

The most common indication of testicular torsion is severe pain, so if you can]t tell between your righty and your lefty by feel alone, remember that if you're experiencing massive pain in the area, you may actually be in danger of losing a #$%@ing ball.

On the bright side, the risk of experiencing testicular torsion decreases as you get older. Sixty-five percent of cases occur in adolescence, and take place in 1 in 4,000 men under the age of 25.

As you get older, apparently your balls get as settled in and resistant to change as the rest of you.