Being a functional alcoholic
used to be looked upon with admiration
. Men aspired to have three-martini lunches and still knock their presentations out of the park during afternoon meetings. Drinking wasn't a weakness -- not
being able to hold your whiskey was the weakness.
Functional alcoholism is a bad phrase today. The public is hyper-aware of its symptoms, so it's harder than ever to be a hard-drinking, hard-working Don Draper type
. Luckily, technology is on your side.
Asylum does not recommend any kind of alcoholism. However, we're also not here to throw rocks, since many of us live in glass houses. We're here to report the information out there -- helping you stay safe, happy and totally awesome in any lifestyle. So without further ado, here are the cell phone apps any functional alcoholic should own.
Taxi App (free)
The worst decision you can make while drunk is not choosing to eat convenience store corndogs or buying a prostitute. It's deciding to drive. That is a clear sign you're not
functional. This app will call a taxi in any location (which is especially helpful if you wake up in a different city).
Snooth Wine Pro ($4.99)
You are not an alcoholic -- you're a wine enthusiast. At least that's what you say when friends question you. This app keeps up the facade. All you need to do is take photos of labels you drink, and you'll have a catalog of wine knowledge. You can forget everything. It will tell you all about the wine and where else to buy it in the area.
Mixology: Drink Recipes (free)
The liquor stores are closed. You invited a lady barfly back to your place for a nightcap. But you just realized all you have is pineapple juice, whiskey and peach schnapps. Pull up this app and become a booze-MacGyver. With thousands of recipes, there has to be something you can make.
VoCal Voice Reminder App With Calendar ($3.99)
Breaking promises and missing appointments are sure signs of a problem drinker. An intoxicated person can make a lot of plans while in the moment. Get this app and record each promise you make. The calendar will remind you of the dates.
Bad Decision Blocker ($0.99)
Drunk-dialing, drunk-texting and drunk-emailing are the biggest problems for drinkers with smart phones. This ingenious app makes selected contact info unavailable during the hours you're usually drunk. Never call your ex-girlfriend at 4 a.m. again.
Eating a triple-cheeseburger at 3 a.m. may not be the healthiest thing, but it sure helps soak up the alcohol. This app locates the closest places serving food at any hour and even gives directions to them.
iDrinkSmart Alcohol Calculator ($0.99)
The problem with doing any activity a lot is you get complacent. You start underestimating your intoxication level. You think you're sober enough to meet your girlfriend's parents. Don't let that happen. This app estimates your blood-alcohol level based on your weight, number of drinks and food consumed.
You scored a girl's phone number last night -- but you don't remember what she looked like
. This app allows you to take photos in low-light situations, like a bar. Click her photo to see if she's still cute when you're sober.
Happy Hour ($1.99)
Need a cheap drink, right now? This app finds every bar in your area serving happy hour prices over the next few hours.
Mobile Spy ($99.97 annually)
Losing smart phones can become an expensive habit for drinkers. Phone insurance is a hassle and built-in trackers can be turned off by whoever finds it. This app offers stealth GPS tracking, allowing you to view text messages and call logs. You'll find your phone and deliver justice to the guy who grabbed it.