Here's what we knew about the nature of life as of yesterday: All life is carbon-based -- from an amoeba to a blue whale to a houseplant -- and has the same basic building blocks in its DNA. Those building blocks are carbon, hydrogen, oxygen, and nitrogen, phosphorous and sulfur; non-carbon-based life is impossible.

Here's what we know as of NASA's announcement this afternoon: There's also a life form on this planet that is arsenic-based, and unlike apple trees and puppy dogs and your mom, it uses arsenic in place of phosphorous.

This raises a lot of questions -- scientific, philosophical and otherwise. But what we mainly want to know is this: Are these things our enemies or what?

Keep reading to find out if we're about to go to war with this potentially evil, poison-based life form.


Are We About to Go to War With the Arsenic-Based Bacteria?
The news is incredibly exciting and literally changes everything we thought we knew about not just life on Earth, but throughout the universe. The scientific community is thrilled to have the opportunity to enhance our understanding of the universe and the nature of life. And if we were an evil, poison-based life form, that's exactly how we'd want it. We would lull mankind into a state of security by being microscopic bacteria hanging out in some lake somewhere in California, we'd get discovered, we'd be celebrated as a grand development in the halls of human knowledge, and then -- bam! Pretty soon, the carbon-based life we hadn't exterminated would be our slaves!

This is exciting news, sure, and we understand why scientists are all so stoked. But if there's not some crazy genius in a lab somewhere figuring out a way to kill these things as we speak, then we could be woefully unprepared for when they turn the tables on us.

Is It Possible That a Life Form That's Literally Made of Poison Could Be Anything Other Than the Enemy of All Humanity?
This may all sound paranoid, but check this out: We know nothing about these things. We've never seen anything like this, and until this discovery, life of this kind was considered impossible. If a week ago, this was thought to be impossible, is it really crazy to think that these things might also be evil?

One need look no further than what these things use as a building block of their DNA. People and fish and plants and all the stuff we're used to, we use phosphorous. Phosphorous has all sorts of uses, like fireworks and toothpastes. These little bastards, though? They use arsenic. That's poison, son, and it turns kindhearted old ladies into murderers. All it does is kill. Unless you're one of these guys -- then it makes you stronger.

Will This Bring Carbon-Based Life Forms Together As One, Now That We Have a Common Enemy?
If "Watchmen" and "Independence Day" have taught us anything, it's that the only thing that can bring humanity together is a common enemy. When we have something to join together to oppose, national boundaries and ethnic divisions stop seeming so relevant. But now, we have the broadest enemy ever -- non-carbon-based life means that all of the carbon life forms on the planet are on the same team. If there's one good thing that can come from this, it's the potential for a rugged army of humans, dolphins and bears to march together to wipe out these smug little arsenic-based creeps.

Even if these things are really just an obscure life form chilling out in some California lake that no one ever goes swimming in, and we're actually not in great danger of being exterminated by their arsenic-wielding ways, we must remain ever-vigilant: Combine this information with the other major discovery of the week, that the universe is probably three times bigger than we believed, and what's very clear is that the odds of encountering arsenic-based alien invaders out to destroy us just got way, way higher.

Call us paranoid if you must, but we bet you'll be knocking on our door to ask our army of highly-trained dolphin soldiers to help kill the arsenic things when they come for you. Car! Bon! Based! Car! Bon! Based!