ASYLUM - For all mankind

Every man remembers the first time he copped a feel. My first happened in the woods by my house during seventh-grade Christmas break. I felt confident due to the new badass Nirvana T-shirt I wore under my flannel shirt. The breast belonged to Mona, a sultry Mexicana. I thought she looked like a Fly Girl dancer on "In Living Color."

Paler than the rest of her coffee skin, her breasts glowed angelically. They were the size of grapefruits. Sadly, like grapefruits, they were bittersweet. Mona moved away the next week and didn't even say goodbye.

The first day back school, I looked at my friends gathered around our lunch table and blurted out, "Mona and I did it over break."

It's happened to all of us: You meet a girl. She smiles and flirtatiously looks you in the eye. She plays with her hair, touches your arm and drops every single one of the "I'm interested" signals (which you learned from the how-to-understand-women spam emails you've read).

Then, boom, out of nowhere, she mentions her boyfriend. Or, if you were so in the moment and didn't bother to check her hand, she drops a devastating bomb about a fiance or a husband.

So what's your next move? Do you pull back, or do you move forward and pay no heed to this massive red light? Obviously how drunk you are (and how irresistible she is) will come into play. But we want to survey general parameters. Read on for the pros and cons of each level of home-wrecking.

GOOD has a knack for making the informative fun, and its crash course on the funeral industry is no exception. Our favorite fact: In the U.K., you can have your ashes turned into 250 pencils. That, and many more end-of-life facts on "The Business of Death" ...

The Internet is abuzz today with people wondering about the giant George W. Bush billboard hovering over I-35 near Wyoming, Minn. The billboard features a smiling picture of the former prez with the caption "Miss Me Yet?"

From where did this strange advertisement spring, and what is its intended purpose?

Asylum spoke to Schubert & Hoey Outdoor Advertising, the agency behind the billboard, and they told us that the sign was rented by a group of small businessmen from the twin cities area, who pooled their money to make the political statement.

Why? The businessmen say they invested in the billboard because they "thought Washington was against them." The billboard has been up for a month and drivers can look forward to enjoying the billboard for at least another month that is already paid up.

The billboard had spurred discussion this week, with some convinced it was a PhotoShop hoax, but its existence was verified by reporter Bob Collins at Minnesota Public Radio, who has been trying to track down the people behind it ever since.

The renters wish to remain anonymous for now, but they say they have been "overwhelmed by the response" and are considering renting more billboards. Suggestions?

Today, the folks at Sports Illustrated have unveiled their Swimsuit Issue cover model as Brooklyn Decker, wife of tennis star Andy Roddick.

The world of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is far more cloak and dagger than you'd ever guess. The issue is kept under wraps until the day before it's released and even the models don't know who's going to be on the cover.

Apparently everyone just shows up at the beach, looks hot for some photos and they get surprised like the rest of us when the magazine hits the stands.

In Brooklyn's case, we're particularly impressed by the accomplishment, since half of her swimsuit isn't even on properly.

What was your favorite Super Bowl ad? Was it Jay crashing Dave and Oprah's Super Bowl party? The Bud Light Auto-tune spot, which proved once again that T-Pain will appear in anything? Or maybe you enjoyed seeing Stevie Wonder punching Tracy Morgan to the tune of a Grizzly Bear song?

The correct answer -- as far as we're concerned -- is, of course, the Snickers commercial, featuring Abe Vigoda and our favorite Golden Girl, Betty White. Some of you, however, feel otherwise.

Barbara didn't want to pick from the choices we offered up, "Best ad isn't even included on your list. It was the Anheuser-Busch ad with the horse and the young bull."

misanthropegirl rep'd for Kia, asking, "What about that sock monkey driving a car?! You don't see something like that every day."

Christine went with the latest in an already-popular ad campaign: "The E-trade commercials with the babies make me laugh out loud."

Finally, M took everyone to task for forgetting that nobody gets between a kid and his Doritos: "wtf doritos slap was by FAR the best."

Sure, we're suckers for a good slap joke. But, seriously, no one beats Betty White 'round these parts.

Running the site Waffleizer means learning a lot about what works and what doesn't. With persistence, trial and error -- mostly error -- I have found that many dishes can be made to work in the waffle iron. But sometimes you have to really want it.

Here are four things that will waffle (more or less) and one that just won't.

1. Hamburger bun dough
This makes really impressive, kick-ass buns that look like waffles and taste like hamburger buns. You can then make the burger in the waffle iron, too. Finally, you can use the waffle iron to melt the cheese on the patty, making every layer of this burger waffled. The effect is amazing.

Now, the question is: Should you do any of this? Absolutely not. I can see making the patty in the waffle iron, maybe. But the waffled hamburger buns from scratch? As long as you own a frying pan and have access to a grocery store, you should probably stick to buying your hamburger buns in the bread aisle and frying up your burgers like a normal person.

There's a mural on the ceiling of the Great Hall in the Library of Congress that very nearly blends in with the many others found in the room. But when you look closer, you'll notice something peculiar: It depicts a bunch of naked guys holding baseball equipment.

Considering that baseball is played in uniforms and the Library of Congress is a government-owned entity, this seems more than a little strange. The surprising image is one of about 350 you'll discover in HarperCollins' stunning coffee-table book, "Baseball Americana: Treasures From the Library of Congress."

Asylum called up Susan Reyburn, a staff writer-editor at the Library, to find out more about this book and the amazing mural. Click through to learn more about the image that she and her colleagues refer to as "the naked 19th-century baseball team."

Showbiz news you actually want, from geek gossip to celeb train-wrecks.

Howard Stern told listeners he would join "American Idol" for a "ton of dough." (Popeater)

Hugh Hefner is being sued by Playboy for living it up on the magazine's dime. (TMZ)

2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition is out, featuring Brooklyn Decker on the cover. (SI)

Fox has hired a screenwriter for the "Daredevil" reboot. (FilmDrunk)

Charlie Sheen was charged with felony menacing and two misdemeanors after allegedly assaulting his wife. (Radar Online)

Megan Fox and Mickey Rourke make one creepy couple in the latest image from their movie "Passion Play." (Screen Junkies)

Since you probably skipped "Leap Year," enjoy these sexy shots of star Amy Adams. (Holy Taco)

Here are 20 mistakes from James Bond movies that you probably never noticed. (And check out more film flubs from "Teen Wolf," "Back to the Future 3" and other classics.) (Unreality Mag)

Is Justin Bieber really hanging out with Chris Brown? (Daily Fill)

Two weeks ago, a trailer for a new movie based on the video game "Tekken" started making the rounds on the Internet. Starring John Foo, it looks like the flick is set to be released in Japan next month. Though we haven't seen it, we're guessing "Tekken" will be the latest in a long line of subpar video games turned into major motion pictures. But no matter how terrible it is, our friends at StreetLevel are pretty sure it can't possibly be as bad as these 10 video game adaptations. (via StreetLevel)