Are Presidential Groupies the Best Kind?

Presidential candidates are great at making running for president look terrible. They have to shake all those dirty hands, kiss all those dirty babies and wake up way too damn early. But now we find out that maybe it's not so bad running for president, what with all the ass-grabbing groupies eager to get a piece of your possibly presidential package. That's what life on the trail was like for...

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Assemblyman's Spanking Story Caught on Live Mic

From the "I can't believe this actually exists" files, here's an educational video made by former Orange County, Calif., assemblyman Michael Duvall. In it, the family values politician talks about spanking and making love to lobbyists into a live microphone. OK, so Duvall is a corrupt hypocrite who, even after resigning from office denied having an affair, but what really bother us is his...

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Would a Fine Mustache Influence You at the Polls?

Earlier this week, US News and World Report conducted a poll on its Web site to see which politically active celebrity should run for office. Boring, EXCEPT, the winner of this scientifically dubious and altogether frivolous poll was Tom Selleck, the mustachioed, hairy-chested man whom your mom wishes she could have married instead of that lumpy schlub you call dad. (Sorry, Dad.) This is a choice...

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Cowboys Stadium Screen Victim of Poor Planning

They say that everything is bigger in Texas and one look at the HD video screen hanging in the middle of the Dallas Cowboys' shiny new stadium makes you realize that, good Christ, they're not joking. (It's almost as big as Jerry Jones's ego!) Only there's one problem with this enormous TV: It's in the way. In a preseason game against the Titans, punter A.J. Trapasso's kick bounced off a part of...

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Isn't It Time We Forgave Pee-Wee?

Paul Reubens' career suffered after he was arrested for masturbating in an adult theater in 1991. Apparently parents aren't so keen on a perv entertaining their kids, even if it's as Pee-Wee Herman, a lovable rube adored for his childish innocence. But 18 years later, it's good to see Pee Wee dusting off the red bow tie and hoping back on the trike for a limited-run stage version of "The Pee-wee...

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35 Years Since Petit Walked Twin Towers

Thirty-five years ago today, a batsh*t nuts Frenchman strung a wire between the Twin Towers and did what any batsh*t nuts Frenchman would do -- he walked across it. Philippe Petit's exploits were put on film last year in the amazing documentary "Man on Wire," in which he showed that he's not just insane but is also an inspirational dreamer with the kind of childlike enthusiasm that could only...

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Domino's Offering Free Racism for Obama's Birthday

When we first saw that Domino's was doing its part to celebrate President Barack Obama's birthday with free Chocolate Lava Crunch Cake today, we were proud of the drab pizza chain for finally stepping out of the shadow of Pizza Hut. But the more we thought about it, the more we began to wonder, how come Domino's isn't giving away pizza, its signature product? Or pasta bowls, its other signature?...

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U.K. Hopes Smaller Candy Will Create Smaller People

With hopes of reducing butt size in the U.K., the British Food Standards Agency is asking companies to manufacture butt-enlarging foods in smaller portions. Cadbury candy bars will come in 40-gram sizes (down from 49); Mars Bars in 50 (down from 58); sodas in 250-ml. sizes (down from 330); and butts in "Wow, that's big" (down from "Holy God, that's thing's going to eat me")....

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Humans vs. Bulls in Pamplona -- the Bulls Appear to Be Winning

Once a year a bunch of jackasses in Spain get silly on wine and decide that it would be muy excelente to get chased through narrow streets by a group of crazed bulls. And maybe it is excelente -- for those that actually make it to the bull ring unscathed. For some reason this year, however, the bulls have decided to stop chasing and start catching. They began by killing a 27-year-old Spaniard last...

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Did Whales Evolve From Underwater Deer?

You know how you think it's crazy that humans evolved from monkeys, but you can still kinda see it since both humans and monkeys have arms and legs and hair and stuff? Well, scientists have gone too far with their theory that whales evolved from these amphibious deer-like creatures. Sorry, science, we're not buying what you're selling this time. ...

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