What's in That Tub of Cool Whip?

Cool Whip: The very name conjures up images of tasty summer treats that even those lame lactose-intolerant (or as we like to call them, lactose-bigoted) kids can eat. But really, do you know what you're putting in your body? No? Well, for crying out loud, man, that's what Asylum's here for. Read on to see our pretty chart of everything that goes into the Cool Whip....

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The Sneakiest Trick Plays in Football

Football is a game that rewards brains as much as brawn. It's not enough to outrun or outsmash your opponent, you must also have a man where no one expects him to be (such as in a yoga class). Make confusion your strategy and you'll almost surely end up running a trick play. Sometimes, it's as simple as concealing who has the ball. Other times, it goes all the way into the realm of verbal...

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TV News Reporters Being Upstaged by Costumes

Local TV news generally thrives on sternly worded reports of mangled bodies. Even when the anchors get humorous, the punch line's always something dry and ambiguous, like "I bet you enjoyed yesterday's sunshine as well, Diane!" Sure, Ernie Anastos might tell you to "keep f**king that chicken," but you can't dance to that the way you can to, say, a hurricane. But every once in a while, some...

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The Worst National Anthem Fails

The National Anthem is a challenging piece to sing. It's full of soaring notes, and there are three other stanzas no one ever learns because they're rife with imagery from the War of 1812, aka the One We Don't Study Because It Was a Tie. To top it all off, our anthem is based on an English drinking song, so it wouldn't be disrespectful of you to have a couple beers before attempting it. Heck, a...

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Why New York Comic-Con Is Better Than San Diego -- The Ultimate Con-test

We're big believers in competition. It's the American way. And there's no place more cutthroat than New York. That fact likely explains why some enlightened geeks prefer the New York Comic-Con (starting today) to the bloated San Diego institution. With recent mutterings about mainstream Hollywood culture co-opting the nerdfest for its own commercial uses, more loyalists are sure to defect to...

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Video Game Porn Spoofs We Wish Existed

Porn and video games. Have two things ever gone so well with another lonely Friday night in a bachelor pad? All that's missing is pizza -- and, presumably, a woman who has just gotten out of the shower to pay for it but realizes she doesn't have enough money for tip. We were heartened to find out porn spoofs have discovered video games with "Modern Whorefare: Call of Booty." Which got us...

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'Not the Father!' The 7 Best Paternity Test Reactions on Maury

Every morning, Maury Povich rises from a coffin filled with his native earth, puts on his human face and heads to work, where fresh victims wait to trade their dignity for a free paternity test. After they've memorized the foul invective they'll hurl during the show's pre-taped introductions, they step into the studio lights of Maury's lair. And that's where we, the American audience, come in....

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Penis Size in the Animal Kingdom -- What Species Has the Biggest Equipment?

Recently, scientists in the Falkland Islands aroused and measured the penis size of a dead squid. And while we're not ones to judge what turns some people on, we are ones to plug our ears and chatter "la la la la" when those scientists report that deep-sea squid are monstrously hung. It did get us wondering if there were any other animals that, uh, cut humans down to size. So, we ranked the...

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The Evolution of Female Action Heroes

Well-behaved women rarely make history, but they once made movies. From then, it's been a long, slow climb to today, where Hollywood actually allows women to blow things up on screen. They've had to work twice as hard to get here, and five times as hard to make movies as bad as the ones men put out. Keep reading to see our timeline of misbehaving women of the screen, from 1915 to today....

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The Greatest Band and Orchestra Fails

Orchestras, symphonies and marching bands don't get enough credit. Learning to master instruments through years of hard work earns these groups little but band-camp jokes and possible praise from New York Times critics with salt-and-pepper beards. So, we salute you, hard-working musicians of the world, the only way we know how: by making fun of your most hilarious failures. When faced with...

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