Tasers were designed with the noble goals of saving lives and incapacitating Philadelphia Phillies fans, but if that's all you know about them, how will you ever modify one into an illegal sex toy? Keep reading to inform yourself about these wonderful devices that allow cops to take down you, the obnoxious drunk. ...

In the bare-knuckle world of breakfast, there is no sharing. Mascots either defend cereal from the forces of evil, or connive it out of kids' hands. Still, there are degrees. Just like every community has that nice homeless guy the neighbors take care of (the Trix Rabbit), there's always a cranked-out schizophrenic making everyone nervous (Sonny the Cuckoo). What's in those chocolate pearls to ...

Your friends at Asylum hold a lot of different beliefs. Some of us believe in God, some of us believe in nothing and some of us who are clearly right believe the world was created when the evil north wind Tezca'aunhathicon scattered the ashes of the gods' fire into the stars of the universe, as was revealed in the sacred crystals. But we can all believe in the value of a good laugh. One plucky ...

The high-five: that expression of a victory beyond any words. "I have succeeded in my efforts," says the gesture. "Let the thunderous clap of triumph inform the land of my deeds." But the higher the thrill, the further the fall, and there are moments when we are denied our due. Here are some of the worst moments when a man goes from feeling hung like a horse to left hanging like a horse ...

Remember when baseball was fun? Gentlemen in straw hats and women with parasols would gather at the cow patch to jeer, cuss and throw food at the athletes? No? Neither do we. And fortunately, we don't have to. We can get all the Crackerjacks and none of the era's painful dentistry simply by nabbing a free ferry. Out in the forgotten borough tonight, the Staten Island Yankees start another fun ...

The makers of 5-Hour Energy Shot claim it delivers all of the rush with none of the crash that accompanies high-sugar energy drinks. So what's in there to keep you alert? Thanks to Public Domain Pictures for the coffee and asparagus. ...

When Betty White hosted "Saturday Night Live," it meant Facebook had finally accomplished something other than detonating your privacy and making your junior high crush momentarily remember you. But success has gone to the heads of Betty White's fans. Just punch Betty White into Facebook's search engine, and find scores of pages calling for her to host the Oscars, guest star on "Glee," and even ...

Lubricant! That magic potion that keeps your partner's orifices interested in what your body's talking about is mysterious stuff. It's water, but it's sticky; it's alcohol, but it dissolves. Here's a breakdown of how that bottle of Astroglide in your mom's underwear drawer works. Keep reading for a more detailed breakdown of what makes this bottle more fun than a Slip-n-Slide... ...

Somewhere between folk art and pop art lies the do-it-yourself wasteland of local advertising. It wasn't easy, but we scoured hours of badly scripted, poorly acted and unfortunately conceived local commercials to pluck the worst -- but most entertaining -- ads filmed by small-business owners around the land. (Or at least the ones that made it onto YouTube before they died of shame.) 8. Trent ...

Everyone knows that women love men with dogs. But what if you don't have the time, patience and willingness to scoop excrement off the sidewalk with a plastic bag every day for the next 7–10 years? You "borrow" a shelter dog, take it for a walk, and then return it a couple hours later. That's what some unscrupulous singles are doing as a means to meet women, according to the New York ...