Asylum

Happy 234th Birthday to the Marine Corps From One Marine

Caleb Howe — 2009-11-10T14:30:00+00:00

Asylum's Caleb Howe served in the United States Marine Corps from 1993 to 1999.

On November 10, 1775, in Tun Tavern, a famous bar in Philadelphia, the most logical recruitment drive in history began. If you want to build the United States Marine Corps, promise blood and glory, beer and barmaids. That drive, that birthright, forged a tradition and ethos that carries forward to this day. Marines are the tough ones. They kill them all and let God sort it out. Blood makes the grass grow. Mothers bring their daughters in whenever we come out. People say we're crazy for the crazy things we do. But we're United States Marines -- who the hell are you?

In six years in the Marine Corps you learn a lot. Not just about killing. You learn, for example, the exact amount of alcohol, to the ounce, you have to drink to pass out in a shower at 4 a.m. and still run a 5K at 5. You haven't lived until you've smelled the alcohol pouring from the pores of 40 or so Marines who don't remember how they got back to the barracks last night. In fact, you might say you learn about pain. Exercise pain. Sleeplessness pain. Foot pain. Major Payne.In the Marine Corps, you also learn about chow. Chow is important to a Marine. You should eat as much as possible, as fast as possible. And look, a little bit of dirt in your cheese-like substance just gives it texture. Also, rifle grease is a suitable substitute for honey-glaze on ham.

Of course, you certainly learn about foreign cultures. You travel the world, meeting strange, exotic and ultimately fascinating people. Then you kill them.

And it all starts with yellow footprints.

When you arrive at Parris Island, it's dark. It's late. You're sitting on a bus wondering what's about to happen, and then the Drill Instructor appears. He tears onto the bus and starts barking incoherently ... something about maggots and breakfast.

When you all pour off the bus, there are more of him. You can't tell one from the other. On the ground are dozens of pairs of yellow footprints. They herd you onto them and, when you find your pair, you match your feet and stand perfectly straight and still. You are now literally following in the footsteps of those who came before. Even as they are yelling and you are nervous and excited and wondering what the hell you've gotten yourself into, you can sense it. You can sense them.

How many heroes stood right here, in this very spot? Just like us, feet pointed just so, eyes straight ahead? Young men and women, some fated to die in jungles, mountains ... deserts. Those warriors stood, just like you, knowing they were about to be part of something bigger. A continuous tradition that goes back hundreds of years, through wars and the agonizing idleness of peace, through deaths and births, rescues and training. All the way back through Chosin and Chesty, pirates and revolution; all the way back to ... a bar.

We love that. We own that.

Being a Marine is about a lot of things. Some good, some bad. It's hard to tell the story to those who weren't there. If you know a Marine, ask him what Massive Consumption of Tobacco (MCT) is all about and he'll laugh. If he went to Parris Island for boot camp, ask him about San Diego and he'll definitely laugh. (The opposite is also true.) Ask him about John Murtha and you might get punched in the face. But ask him to explain what it was like ... he may not have a good answer.

So all you really need to know is this: United States Marines love their country and their comrades in arms, and they're pretty much prepared to eat the spleen of anyone who isn't down with that. Yep. Spleen. Either eat it or use it as a weapon. That's what you need to know.

This weekend, Marines around the world attended the annual Marine Corps Ball and tonight, they'll have a few too many and talk about how the Corps was so much tougher when they were in.

And that's the story of the Marines. It starts with yellow footprints and taverns, and sometimes it ends with finding alternate uses for organs. So if you have a beer tonight, take some time to remember all the fierce, slightly crazy, deadly and dangerous men and women who have worn those unmistakable dress blues. Those Devil Dogs. Those warriors. They are the few. The Proud. The mother-effing Marines.

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Bald German Bears Baffle Science

Caleb Howe — 2009-11-06T11:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Weird News, Animals, Weird Stuff, Weird

News out of Liepzig, Germany, today reports three female spectacled bears gone have suddenly, inexplicably, bald. The ursine nudity is causing quite a stir, with vets baffled and worldwide Internet porn purveyors perplexed to discover a type of naked they aren't currently making millions of dollars exploiting.

Scientists suggest the problem may be genetic, as the bare bears show no other negative symptoms. A familiar baldness diagnosis sure to make Hair Club for Men members around the world punch the next scientist they see in their hairy face.

There have, of course, been other cases of strangely balding animals. Keep reading for evidence.Remember this guy?

Of course, that's a result of self-balding, or as it is medically known, Britnetizing. And we all know of naturally bald critters the Bald Eagle, Bald Locust and Bald-Faced Liar.

Germany's newest baldies are attracting quite a crowd to the zoo, which is continuing to look into their situation and wallets. The most important question, however remains.

Are the mysterious bald bears somehow related to the disappearing honeybees and, if so, signs of a pending race of aerodynamic bee-shooting super-bears come to take over the Earth? In our opinion, almost certainly yes. And Asylum, for one, welcomes our nude, insect-spitting overlords. Frankly, it's about time.

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Obama Year One in Review -- From the Right

Caleb Howe — 2009-11-05T14:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Humor, Politics

Today Asylum's Caleb Howe looks back on the first year of Obama's term from a conservative perspective. Be sure to read Tommy Christopher's run-down on the last year from a progressive point of view.

It's the one-year mark, the anniversary of the election we are told was the most important one ever. (Well come on, they always exaggerate the night before.) But now that we're in the bright light of day, a quick review of events is in order.

Phase One:
Ahh, January. Literally hundreds of millions of hopebaggers descended upon the National Mall and nearby tunnels to watch each other listen to small radios and TVs broadcasting the inauguration taking place somewhere close. When night fell, and the excitement of our national moment had passed, mobs of the lost wandered in the barren dark, surrounded by endless piles of garbage and miles of fences preventing progress. Life has such an ironic sense of humor, doesn't it? To kick off his new administration, post-partisan Prez extraordinaire adopted the first of many message strategies. We're sure this will bring back fond memories:

Phase Two:
Happy times, phase two, happy times. Democrats were feeling the power of power. This was the moment when the rise of the oceans would reverse. Change had come to America. Time for a new tone. Respectful. Friendly. Not too fat. Which is why in the spring the administration rolled out their second major message push:

Phase Three:
In phase three, the administration knew it was time to get cracking overseas. There were images to repair, cowboys to make fun of, and DVD collections to be delivered. This was no time for unpreparedness, and President Obama was up to the task. In a whirlwind tour, the president apologized to the world for America's audacity and incorrect wall plug configurations. The stunning array of apologies, for everything from unilateralism to loud music, was part of the next big message push:

Phase Four:
Autumn. The smell of burning wood, the fiercely colored trees, the swiftly falling leaves and approval ratings. Can't you just smell it? The Obama administration could. With the health-care plan foundering, town halls raucous, and tea parties nationwide, the president needed to change the message. They called on Snark Czar Anita Dunn and came up with a plan. The War on Terror was now an "Overseas Contingency Operation", freeing up the "wars on things" concept for a much more entertaining endeavor: war on Fox News! Alas, the best laid plans of mice and Anita Dunn can sometimes fail, and the war became nothing but a quagmire of:

Phase Five:
So now here we are. It's the one-year mark. And after all the peace prizes, Olympic snafus, pirate glory-hounding, more rounds of golf than Tiger, and an SNL-enshrined list of unfulfilled promises, we are left to wonder where we are, how we got here, why we are wearing different pants, and what was in that blue pill anyway.

But it hasn't been haphazard.

No, you see, though the message has changed many times, the core has remained the same. The most important thing to President Obama. Those two little letters that all the other messages were built on. Because in the end, for President Obama, it's really all about:

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Asylum Celebrates Cliche Day With Top Blogging Cliches

Caleb Howe — 2009-11-03T14:45:00+00:00

Filed under: Humor, Entertainment, News

Clichés are omnipresent in our ADD society. From The New York Times to Bazooka Joe, we just can't stop till we get enough. Here on the information superhighway it is even more pronounced. If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, James Frey has a LOT of fans in blogging: derivative, hackneyed, predictable, a favorite of Oprah ... wait, that's the president. But let us be clear, blogging is a cliché hotbed. The collision of blogs with political and popular culture is the perfect storm of bad writing. Uber annoying.

Well, every dog has his day, and today is Cliché Day on the Internet. In honor of the occasion, Asylum has compiled a list of some of the ~~worst~~ best blogging clichés EVAH!

In Which I:
In which we suggest that the "in which I" construction has had its 15 minutes. Seriously. In which it was enough. In which it has been beaten to death. In which it is so worn out, even mocking it is annoying. The breathless overuse of this form in blogs must be stopped at any cost.Breathless
Breathless prose, breathless objections, breathless reporting. We don't know if this is a result of Global Warming, but we think it is high time we get some air back. We've had it up to here. Start breathing, ladies and gentlemen. Hey bloggers, Danielle Steele called, she wants her imagery back.

Hey the Internet, the Real World Called, They Want Their Suck Back
"Hey [blank], the [blank] called" jokes are really starting to get our goat. This one is most often used to call out or attack other clichés, which we think may cause a rift in the space-time continuum. If you're going to snark at someone for using a worn-out joke, try not to do it with a worn-out joke. You actually made us throw up in our mouths a little just now.

I Just Threw Up in My Mouth
I just threw up in my mouth, I just peed myself a little, I think my bowels just moved ... Yes, that describes last Saturday morning pretty effectively, but it is as worn out as Internet jokes get. It's in blogs, it's in the comments sections. Snark isn't so snarky when it's so overused, last time I checked. Snark FAIL.

FAIL!!!!!!
Hey, rest of the world, Failblog called, they want their carefully guarded intellectual property back. OK, in all likelihood we'll never get past this one. The FAIL meme is simply too useful. But we can at least use it sparingly and smartly. Rule of thumb on use of FAIL: Asylum bloggers, yes; Michael Steele, no. When old fogies do it, they come off looking like they don't know their arse from a hole in the ground, mate.

Spot On
Spot on! Brilliant! Arse! Bum! Bloggers casually throwing about British slang, euphemisms and style are tossers and should sod off. It doesn't make anyone believe you're not taking a "Futurama" marathon break to stare at your Megan Fox shrine. Coolness FAIL.

Megan Fox
That's it. Just Megan Fox. One more Megan Fox joke and we will literally puke into our collective mouths.

Literally
The misuse of literally on the internet is literally an epidemic. Whether people do it as a joke or because they are literally mentally challenged, using literally as if it meant figuratively makes us want to kill and eat puppies. Literally. Misuse of this word is literally worse than Hitler. Its meaning has been tied to a chair and literally waterboarded for months. Seriously, I can haz no more literallys?

I Can Haz
Ha ha ha, that cat wants a cheeseburger. OK, we're done laughing now. The I can haz meme is literally more contagious than swine flu. Yes, we think those pics are funny and yes, we read that blog so obsessively we lost three jobs, but everyone and their brother is out there creating lolcats contests and graphics as filler for otherwise useless blogs. It's literally more ubiquitous than Megan Fox. See what we did there?

See What I Did There?
Like FAIL or "threw up", "see what I did there" is a snark crutch. You take what someone said, turn it back on them, and then say, "See what I did there?" You know, like a Charlie Gibson interview. I can haz Bush doctrine? We get it, snark is funny. But must we reuse so much content? In which it was time to get your clever on.

Reusing Old Blogs As If They Were New
Let's skip this one. K?

It'S the Internets. K?
lolspeak, l33t, whatever you want to call it, it has fast gone from intentionally unhip to actually unhip. Sure, we all do it. But it is losing its funny faster than old SNL skits. So quit being teh suk and get with teh awesome internets. K?

Needs More Cowbell
Hey, you remember the part, um, on SNL, um, when Christopher Walken was in the recording studio? And he kept saying "I need more cowbell"? Remember that part?

That was awesome.

And then blogs happened. Do you have any idea how many MySpace profiles are titled "Need more cowbell?" Here's another rule of thumb, if you're yukking it up to the same joke as someone who's MySpace page features a Twilight background and plays Lady Gaga when it loads, you're doing it wrong.

You're Doing It Wrong.
This cliché is only on the list because it's teh awesome. As far as we are concerned, this one never goes out of style. In fact, if you hate it, you're doing it wrong. But hey, you're "entitled" to your own "opinion."

"Clever" Use of Quotes:
It has been said that this one is "immortal." Using "cleverly" placed quotation marks is, after all, one of the most "subtle" and "clever" forms of snark. See what we did there? Still, you can have "too much" of a "good" thing. Maybe "we" should ease up on this "before" we "start" looking like hacks. Enough said.

Enough Said:
Enough said.

Of course clichés aren't just found the blogospherical. StreetLevel has compiled The Most Clichéd Hip-Hop Album Cover Poses for today's celebration; ComicsAlliance is roasting the biggest clichés in comics; and don't forget the Top 10 Music Clichés.

So now we leave it to you, our "clever" and "numerous" readers, to leave in the comments YOUR hated favorite clichés.

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Classic Political Crying Moments From Bill Clinton to Glenn Beck

Caleb Howe — 2009-10-30T16:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Politics, Video, TV

Earlier this week, walking controversy Alan Grayson (D-Fla.) delivered a maudlin and tear-filled performance during a House hearing on health care. Grayson's sensitivity is matched in intensity only by his insensitivity, but it got us wistfully reliving all those man-cry moments politicians have brought us over the years.

Back in 1972, Democrat Ed Muskie was swept out of the running for president after a supposedly teary defense of his wife against criticism of her by the press, depriving a generation of the hilarious opportunity to say President Muskie every day. Fast-forward 20 years and meet Bill "I feel your pain" Clinton. With a terminally quivering lip and his on-demand pain receptors, Clinton set a whole new standard for weepy men. Let's take a look at a classic Clinton cry, brought to us by the man from Hope's nemesis -- Rush Limbaugh:
"We laughed, we cried" is a common enough aphorism, Mr. President, but probably shouldn't be taken as literal instructions. Still, full man points for yukking it up at a funeral. Also notice his craft: He's crying, but just barely, wipes the tears away brusquely ... a magnificent performance. Some of us could learn a thing or two -- not from this next one though:

Now, don't misunderstand. Old dudes getting choked up by their love of country is certainly a touching thing. But the delivery here needs serious work. If you get to the point where people are starting to wonder if maybe you didn't just get a Novocain shot to the face, you've overdone it. Subtlety, gentlemen, subtlety. Here, watch Chuck Schumer:

See how he chokes it down? Very good. Unfortunately Chuck forgot the other rule of man-crying: context. Political man-crying isn't something done casually; you have to plan the right moment. Blubbering about Sotomayor, unless you are Sotomayor, is just plain wrong. Planning, gentlemen. Watch and learn:

Wait, didn't we just see that guy in another video? Anyway, that's some context right there. There are a few things that any man, political or otherwise, is allowed to cry about at any time: the cancellation of "Firefly," bacon, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, and the Super Bowl are among them. If 9/11 isn't context, I don't know what is. On the other hand:

A reporter weeping for joy over the outcome of an election is the height of journalistic integrity, of course. But as far as man-crying goes this is just a wet mess. You don't brag about crying after you cry, especially not about the outcome of an election, definitely not while throwing your parents under the racist bus, absolutely not describing yourself as having "wept" and, most imperative of all, you don't get choked up at the notion of yourself having previously been choked up!! Just ... wow.

Of course, no discussion of crying in politics is complete without the following video. It's not, strictly speaking, political men crying. But on the other hand, it's hysterically funny.

Awesome. Show us your best "politician crying" link in the comments. We're tearing up with anticipation already.

From the Web:
The 49 Most Influential Men (AskMen)
25 Passive-Aggressive Workplace Kitchen Notes. (The Chive)

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Costumes From Computer Parts and Other Tech-Savvy Halloween Ideas

Caleb Howe — 2009-10-29T15:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Gear, Games, Video, Weird Stuff, Weird

We were all pretty impressed by these working iPhone Halloween costumes a couple of tech geeks slapped together out of LCD screens and car batteries. But we were even more impressed when one of our own readers sent a couple of his own Halloween costumes (including this cylon costume to the left) made out of old iMac computers.

Since becoming part of the machine is truly the geek ideal, keep reading for the cylon plus more costumes that blur the line between human and hard drive that are number 1010011101101 in our book.Have you ever been to a Mac store? If the answer is yes, then you've also been to every Mac store, because they are all the same. Very ... acrylic, plasticized, white ... and that's just the staff. If you're new to iCulture the assimilation can be a bit scary, which is why the costume in a video we were tipped to is so perfect: It's made of Mac.

The best part of the video is when he says to gut an iMac. Now there's some Halloween fun. Another vid from the iMac killer:

If you're a Mac, the best part of that second video is the Apple logo in the third-eye region. Cosmic.

Next, we found this unusual performance from RobotCowboy:

If you're a human, the best part of that video is when it ends.

Wearing tech doesn't have to be about sticking your head in a monitor, however. This guy ditched the monitor and brought what was on it to life. Yes, the relationship status says married, but it is a costume.

Not every tech costume has to be computer, Mac, or internet related. For some old-school tech, check out this elaborate rig:

If you're Tom Hanks, the best part of that costume is that it can make you big.

We know what you're thinking -- where are the ladies? If there is one place you can count on to produce women wearing things that aren't really clothes, it's Japan.

Yes, that is a working keyboard. If your significant other is always telling you that you spend more time with the computer than her, problem solved. The cat thing? Probably related to the mouse. The French maid is a little less easily explained.

And speaking of things not easily explained, another gem from Japan:

Yeah, we're pretty sure that's a leaked scene from "Saw XI."

Of course, no Halloween would be complete without a Pac-Man costume. But to be a true geek, just putting on a giant yellow ball won't do. Nope. For our piece de resistance, here's how to turn yourself into a PLAYABLE Pac-Man game.

Guesses on how many joystick and coin slot jokes that guy had to put up with? Still, totally worth it. If you have any other examples of costumes made of actual tech, let us know in the comments.

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NASA's Ares I-X Launch and Other Ways Science Has Disappointed Us

Caleb Howe — 2009-10-28T17:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Humor, News, Weird Science, Weird

Today at 11:30 a.m., NASA finally launched a multimillion-dollar unmanned prototype of the Ares I rocket after being foiled Tuesday by such complex factors as both wind AND boats. Ares is part of NASA's Constellation program, which enthusiasts point out is step one in putting men on the moon.

Step one? We're pretty sure step one was covered when we put men on the moon. Hey, maybe the government can send some wagons out West, see what that place is all about, too. Weren't we supposed to be getting murdered by evil computers and cloning Scarlett Johansson by 2010?

Science has promised us a future that, frankly, hasn't materialized. Walk with us on this journey through some of glittering, diamond-studded dreams shattered.

What We Were Promised: Jetpacks
What We Got: The Segway
The fact that we don't have jetpacks yet is such a glaring fail that mentioning it has become an Internet trope. "Where's my jetpack?" is as common a refrain as "Why yes, that IS my real picture." Hey, the future -- 50 years ago called, they want their walking back.What We Were Promised: Flying Cars That Fold Into Briefcases
What We Got: The Slap Chop
The Jetsons had everything, and all of it could fit in your pocket. Sure, cell phones and laptops have gotten smaller, but have you ever tried to hide a car from the cops? Not as easy. And let's not talk about trying to fly them. The main problem, of course, is the total collapse of DeLorean-based research.

What We Were Promised: Housing on the Moon
What We Got: Housing in the Toilet
From "2010: A Space Odyssey" to "Aqua Teen Hunger Force," America has been led to believe easy travel between here and the moon was right around the millennial corner. But the best we get is that MTV promo and 47 Tom Hanks movies. It's time for moon units, Zappa. And you better hope there's a Starbucks.

What We Were Promised: iRobot
What We Got: iRobot[TM]
If Hollywood has taught us anything, it's that we should be pretty much be swimming in robots by now. Ever since Asimov, the promise of enslaving the robot race has tantalized but not materialized. We were promised helpful androids that periodically go on murderous rampages. I don't know about you, but my Roomba barely scares me at all.

What We Were Promised: Mars
What We Got: Veronica Mars
How many movies predicted Mars as a conquered territory by now? The Constellation program theoretically has Mars in its sights, but so far the closest we've come is marooning a defenseless robot there to take pictures until it died. No wonder they'll go on so many killing sprees some day.

What scientific wonders did you hope would be invented by now?

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