Asylum

Asylum Writer Tackles the McDonald's 'Mc10:35'

Chris Illuminati — 2010-03-12T11:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Humor, Food, Weird Stuff, Weird, Asylum Exclusive

Rumored to be gaining a cult following, the Mc10:35 is a combination of a McDonald's Egg McMuffin and a McDouble, to be ordered simultaneously at 10:35, allegedly one of the few times you can order off both the breakfast and lunch menus.

After securing both items, you take the egg and Canadian bacon from the Egg McMuffin and put it on the McDouble. Hail the Mc10:35.

I've been on a mission for some time for the perfect brunch meal. I'm a writer. I keep odd hours. I love breakfast but often wake up later in the morning after staying up all night to write. My mind says breakfast but my stomach craves lunch.

Could the Mc10:35 be a happy medium? I decided to go on a mission to find and devour this food of the gods.Unfortunately, a wall of 5'1 McDonalds cashier moxie came between me and my sammich. She was happy to punch in my order for an Egg McMuffin but shook her head at the McDouble request.

"Lunch starts at 11 a.m."

She was toeing the company line. I asked nicely, flashed my pearly whites and even gave her a pathetic "come onnnnn" in an effort to break her. She pointed to the clock and said "11" and flashed back a smile of "sorry." Apparently the ability to order breakfast and dinner at once is only possible at some McDonalds.

But I wasn't giving up yet. I ordered just the Egg McMuffin for now, then came back at 11, my bag of breakfast in tow.

"McDouble. To go."

I'll need to tackle this beast in the privacy of my own home. I want to reheat the Egg McMuffin a bit, have unlimited access to drinks and a private restroom in case this all goes horribly wrong.

As I piece the feast together I begin to wonder how the chefs at Hamburger University will feel about us commoners tinkering with their precious creations. They aren't really open to unsolicited ideas. It's a shame because a couple years back I came up with this awesome idea while I wadding drunkenly through a ball pit at the McDonald's near my college. I wish I could remember it but the taser has had some side effects.

Ugh. Canadian ham. Bacon. Whatever. This poor excuse for an egg companion from our brothers to the north is a cured meat in the still open wounds of a gold medal hockey loss.

After the first few bites and swallows my thoughts race for a beverage choice to wash this sandwich down. I had fresh brewed coffee and a can of Diet Pepsi at the ready. Coffee wasn't pushing it down far enough. The soda proved to be a better tonic as it also brought to my throat a solid burp.

If I had some at my disposal I'd chug down a tall pint of that white chalk the hospital gives you before an MRI because it would cement this grease in my stomach and I'm sure some medical professionals will want to peek into my organs after this debacle.

I'm getting weak. Sluggish. Stomach expanding rapidly. I'm hallucinating that Ronald McDonald is driving me to the hospital, which by coincidence is exactly 10 minutes and 35 seconds from my house.

However, it's actually pretty delicious. My final verdict? I would have given this sandwich an A if not for the Canadian Ham. I could have cheated and taken it off to finish the sandwich but if I wanted this piece to receive any type of writing award, I knew I'd have to see this through to the end.

Chris Illuminati lives in New Jersey and is probably not going to win an award for this piece.

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How Writing Like an A**hole Gets You a Facebook Fan Group

Chris Illuminati — 2010-02-12T10:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Humor, Weird News, Weird Stuff, Weird

Many writers don't get very much recognition. Especially those that do a majority of their writing online.

In fact, the only time readers seem to take notice of the byline of an article is when they think it's pure excrement and want to make sure they spell the writer's name correctly in the comments when explaining how much of a whore mother they have.

So a Facebook group devoted to a blogger and how much he sucks is almost like the online version of winning a Pulitzer. A reader (and possible customer service rep) hated my article about how acting like an a**hole can get you better customer service so much he took the time to create the Chris Illuminati with Asylum is an IDIOT! Facebook group to voice his displeasure and get people to join the cause.When readers comment, either positively or negatively, it's a form of recognition. It's a way of saying that the article moved a person in such a way they felt the need to say something in a public forum. Ask any blogger and they will say they would rather see negative comments on a post than no comments at all.

That's why I'm honored and flattered. Consider me an active and enthusiastic member of the Chris Illuminati with Asylum is an IDIOT! Facebook group. I ask everyone reading to join the group. After all, I am an idiot. I mean, who else would ask people to join a group whose sole purpose is to point out how much of an idiot he is.

But if the creator of this group does indeed work in the field of customer service, it does raise the point that if he spent more time working and less time commenting on blogs and making Facebook groups, none of us would take issue with sitting on hold for hours.

But what do I know? I'm just an ~~a**hole~~ ... um ... idiot.

Chris Illuminati is an Asylum contributor and IDIOT!

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Get Dumped? Then Donate Your Ex's Old Junk to Goodwill

Chris Illuminati — 2010-02-11T09:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Dating/Love, Women, Weird News, News, Asylum Exclusive

Getting dumped sucks. But dumping all the crap from a failed relationship is even suckier.

You could always throw out your evil ex's junk, of course. Or you could set fire to it on your front lawn. But just this once, how about handling your breakup like a champ?

All this Friday (tomorrow), the Goodwill location in Colonial Park, Penn., will be staging an anti-Valentine's Day weekend event that it's calling the "Dump Your X's Stuff Drive." Finally -- the noble excuse you've been looking for to get rid of those mementos you never should have been hanging on to in the first place.

The push for donations couldn't be happening at a better time of year, explains Jennifer Ross, a spokesperson for Goodwill locations in the Keystone area."During the winter months," Ross tells Asylum, "there is traditionally a decrease in donations. We thought a drive in the winter would help spike donations. At least something good would come from something that went bad."

There are obviously items that Goodwill won't accept.

"As a result of relationships gone badly," says Ross, "we've received clothes, engagement rings, wedding bands and wedding gifts. We won't take tires, lawn mowers, large appliances or mattresses. We ask people to keep it clean and legal."

Good idea. We all know nothing clean or legal happened on that mattress anyway.

Even if you don't live near Colonial Park, Asylum urges lovelorn readers to use this clever event as an opportunity to remove all evidence that you ever dated that tramp by donating it to your preferred local charity. And we'd really like to know: Do you still own anything one of your exes left behind?

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How to Get Better Customer Service by Being an A**hole

Chris Illuminati — 2010-02-10T15:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Entertainment, Like an Expert, How-to

We've all been subjected to the torture of terrible customer service -- hours on hold just waiting to talk to a breathing human, even if their first field of study obviously wasn't the English language.

What do people usually do about it? Nothing.

That's why we invited Chris Illuminati, Asylum contributor and co-author of "A**holeology: The Science Behind Getting Your Way and Getting Away With It," to explain how applying the a-hole principle can help you effectively deal with bad customer service.

"An a**hole knows how to take a stand, get what he wants, and walk away the winner -- all without breaking a sweat," he promises.

Keep reading for Illuminati's crash course on how to apply a few a**hole methods from the book into your next customer service experience.No is not an option.
One of the 10 Demandments of Being an A**hole is never taking the word no for answer. Never let a customer service rep tell you that you can't do something, you can't return an item, or that it isn't possible to accomplish what you're requesting. Tell them matter-of-factly you're not leaving or hanging up until you get results.

If they do tell you no, try another person. Most companies don't spend the time to perfectly train every single person that walks through the revolving door of customer service. Keep calling until you find someone unfamiliar with protocol and willing to do whatever you ask to get you off the phone. Tell them that you spoke with someone else and they said it was possible. Lie. It's fine, we're all going to hell.

Climb the ladder until you reach the top.
The last thing any working grunt wants to deal with on a given day is crap from their boss. This is why an a**hole always asks to speak to the next person in command. If a customer service rep is giving you lip, ask to speak to the manager. If the manager is a wall of moron, ask to speak to his or her supervisor. Keep climbing up the ladder until your issue is resolved.

If you keep getting passed around from person to person, make a nuisance of yourself by calling every single person in the chain every day of the week until someone solves your problem. Leave messages with each person. Be sure to write down everyone you've called and the date and time. Use all this to build your case.

Take your problem to the masses.
Word of mouth in online social media circles is having a huge effect on the average consumer, and businesses have noticed this trend. Businesses are terrified of word leaking about just how terrible they are at helping the customer.

So if you're at the end of your rope, use social media sites like Facebook and Twitter to turn one little voice into a thousand negative voices. There might even already be a "Wal-Mart Sucks" Facebook group, or an entire anti-McDonald's Web site appropriately named McSucks. If the group doesn't exist, get one started and bother people to join. They're playing Farmville all day -- they've got nothing better to do.

Or shoot an email to consumer vigilante Web site The Consumerist, which exists to inform reader of the latest scams and rip-offs in the world of consumerism.

Abandon ship.
An a**hole never lets someone else come out on top. Many people think the customer service rep, or the company in general, is in control. As the consumer, you hold the power in every situation.

If a credit card company is constantly harassing you with daily phone calls but won't reduce your interest rate; cancel and move the balance to another card. If you can't watch "The Dog Whisperer" because your cable is constantly out, change to another provider or cancel all together. Cell phone provider pissing you off? Pay whatever it takes to get out of the contract and find another provider. If they're smart, they'll do everything in their power to keep your business.

In any case, always be prepared to walk away. Will you miss them anyway?

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17-Year-Old CEO Daniel Brusilovsky's Tips to Stay Ahead of Trends

Chris Illuminati — 2009-12-07T14:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Gear, Oh, You Badass, How-to, Celebrity, News, Weird Science

For most 17-year-olds the choices are limited to another four years of academia or chasing stray carts around the grocery store parking lot. But wunderkind Daniel Brusilovsky has an option C.

Brusilovsky spends his free hours writing for Tech Crunch, a Web site that profiles start-up companies, products and Web sites and boasts over 3 million readers. He is the founder and CEO of his own start-up called Teens in Tech and takes meetings with the COO of a little Web site called Twitter.

It took us weeks to pin down a few minutes of his time for an interview -- he was out of the country in Italy on business. Makes that unbelievable kegger from your senior year seem even sadder now, doesn't it?

Keep reading to find out how Brusilovsky has managed to get more accomplished before his 18th birthday than the average person does in a lifetime.Keep Your Connections Open
Says Brusilovsky: "I'm constantly checking Twitter and instant messenger programs so I can be quick to jump on everything. It's incredibly important to be active and engage and not just check occasionally and disappear. You've got to be connected when big news hits. For example, a Web site I really find invaluable is Venturewire. It's an RSS feed of all the latest company-funding announcements. If a company raises money and files an SEC report, Venturewire will pick it up and a person can jump on that information. Of course, it's impossible to be online 24 hours a day, but it pays off to stay as connected as possible."

Network
"Not just online but in real life. Attend local events, mixers and social functions because occasionally a company will launch or demo a product and you can be one of the first to test it out and talk about it through social media. It's important to see a product working firsthand, especially in my case, when writing for a Web site like Tech Crunch. I like to test a product before I can sit down and write about it. It's important to attend events and get connected to as many people as possible."

Stay Active in Your Local Community
"Get to know the important people in your area in whatever fields interest you. Get involved in the hubs where the influential people hang. It's just as important for people to know your name as it is for you to know theirs, so when something big hits they think to contact you first."

Newspapers
"It sounds crazy because newspapers are an old-school way of getting information, but most local papers have articles in the business section where they list local companies who have received funding and discuss what the business does, the products they develop or services they provide. It's a great way to stay in touch with the projects that companies around the corner are developing and to be the first to get on board."

Next big thing?
The obvious question for the boy wonder is "What is the next big trend?"

"Augmented reality is going to be huge," Brusilovsky answers without hesitation. "Especially with the explosion of the iPhone. Esquire just did an entire issue devoted to the topic, which I thought was great. Social networking is last year's thing. "

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NFL Scout Discusses Life Chasing the Next Big Football Star

Chris Illuminati — 2009-12-07T14:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Sports, Sports Jobs

For those college football players eligible for the NFL draft, the preparation has already begun for the NFL combine in Indianapolis in February. Every NCAA athlete, from every football program, thinks he has the talent to step onto an NFL field and compete at a professional level.

But according to the NFL Players Association, of the 100,000 high school seniors who play football every year, only 215 will ever make an NFL roster. It's the job of the professional scout to weed out the real talent and splash a cup of Gatorade in the face of all the dreamers.

Over his 13-year career, Mr. Scout (name changed to remain anonymous) has been on hand to watch future NFL superstars pop the eyeballs of pro scouts. He's also witnessed more than his fair share of not-so-great athletes attempt to impress NFL scouts to comical results.Chasing Ghosts
When Mr. Scout first started in the business he did so the way most young scouts do, traveling the country and testing players from hundreds of college programs. He thought he'd found his diamond in the rough at a small school in Virginia.

"I'm doing the weigh-in and this kid steps up," Mr. Scout remembers, "and he is a beast. Absolutely jacked. Probably one of the greatest physical specimens I'd ever seen in my life. I measure the guy and he is about 6-foot-3 and about 255 lbs. with not an ounce of fat on his frame. I ask him, 'What position do you play?' and he answers that he is a fullback."

Unable to fathom why a guy this size only plays fullback, Mr. Scout completes the indoor testing portion and takes the group outside to run the 40-yard dash. He is excited at the promise of this monster and can't wait to see him on the field.

"I'm standing at the finish line," Mr. Scout continues "and the coach joined me after being absent for the weigh-in process. After a couple guys go, the Greek god of a specimen gets up to the line to run and I turn to the coach and ask the guy's story.

The coach looks at the player, looks down at his roster, and looks at him again. He turns to Mr. Scout to admit he has "no idea who this kid is." The specimen takes off and clocks a time of 5.6 which Mr. Scout explains "isn't even acceptable for an offensive or defensive lineman." The kid wasn't a member of the team. He snuck down to the weight room just to say he worked out for an NFL scout.

Not Always As Advertised
"The agent handling the next Peyton Manning," Mr. Scout explains, "isn't bothering to call scouts. He has people calling his phone. We get tons of calls from the guy getting paid to represent players that might not get a look unless an agent is getting paid good money to get him face time in front of a scout."

An agent bombarded Mr. Scout's friend with a week's worth of phone calls prior to the tryouts. This tryout was open to anyone who played high school football in the area.

This particular agent was representing a former lacrosse player at the University of Notre Dame who aspired to be an NFL safety. The agent claimed his client was 5-foot-11, 235 lbs. of solid muscle and could run the 40-yard dash no slower than a 4.35. That's amazingly fast speed even for NFL players. Every day for a week the agent called to confirm his client got his opportunity.

Mr. Scout paints the picture of what went down; "I'm doing the testing and I can see out the window to the area where my friend had set up the 40-yard dash. So the kid runs the 40, and I can see everything but obviously can't hear what's going on. I can tell even from that distance that the kid isn't close to 5-foot-11. A measurement of 5-foot-8 would be rounding up. The kid crosses the line and my friend checks the stopwatch and immediately comes storming toward the building. The kid and the agent are running behind him saying something but my friend is looking straight ahead and not even acknowledging either of them. He looks pissed. I'm trying my best not laugh. Luckily all of the kids were done with the written test and had exited, so they don't see him storm into the room and slam the stopwatch down on the desk. The time was 5.10."

Everybody Is an All-American
The auditions don't always occur on the field. Sometimes, due to unforeseen issues, the tests get moved to parking lots, inside gymnasiums and sometimes right out on a crowded street. On some occasions the guy isn't even an athlete.

"Another scout and I had some time to kill before the players showed up for the weigh-in so we grabbed some sandwiches from the cart in front of the practice complex," says Mr. Scout. "We are standing out on the sidewalk, eating sandwiches and just shooting the crap."

Both scouts were in full team gear with insignias on their warm-up jackets and stopwatches around their neck. Mr. Scout noticed a man about 20 yards away walking straight toward the two of them: "The reason he caught my eye was because he was wearing a three-piece suit. What got my attention was the fact that none of the items of the suit matched. His jacket was blue, his vest green and his pants a dark brown. He approaches and stares at our team logos. Without a word he takes off his jacket and folds it nicely on the pavement. He drops to the ground and does 10 perfectly executed military push-ups, slings his jacket over his shoulder, nods his head and walks away. I think he was trying out. They were pretty damn good push-ups."

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Space Mountain New and Improved -- We Miss the Old Space Mountain

Chris Illuminati — 2009-11-30T14:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Humor, Entertainment, Games, News, Weird

While Disney World was once a wonderland of innovation, the amusement juggernaut could be faulted in recent decades for failing to embrace modern technology, especially when it comes to roller coasters.

Take Space Mountain, for example, which recently reopened after being shut down for seven months for updates. You'd imagine in seven months the mouseheads would find a way to actually blast customers into space.

"As you know, the classic Space Mountain experience still exists," explains Disney's Thomas Smith. "It's just being updated with new technology and 21st-century gadgetry. Inside the attraction, there's new lighting as well as special 'darkening' effects. And you'll see updated color schemes for rocket capsules, line and load areas. Imagineers worked with Walt Disney World Facilities Asset Management for even more enhancements, including new paint, carpet, seat fabric and other decor elements."

The update also includes videos games to keep ornery kids in check during the four-hour wait for a roller coaster in a closet. Because nothing screams "thrilling coaster experience" like video games aimed at middle-schoolers, new seats and berber carpet.

You'd have a better time riding the other Space Mountain. Woooooo!

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Challenging My Masculinity -- One Writer Dares to Ignore the Maxims of Manhood

Chris Illuminati — 2009-11-19T13:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Humor, Entertainment, Mantastic, Weird Stuff

Chris Illuminati lives in New Jersey and writes about everything you couldn't care less about. That is his real last name.

Guys have rules. Keep an empty urinal between you and another guy, the man of the house always works the grill, etc.

Those rules are the reason books like "The Maxims of Manhood: 100 Rules Every Man Must Live By" are published and find success. We men need such guidelines to differentiate what we can do from what we should never do.

I've read the book countless times and agree with all 100 of the maxims from "Know how to chug a beer" to "Your dog must be bigger than a toaster." But what if, for one week, I threw the rules out the window? This could be the beginning of a new way of life for men everywhere. I'd be a pioneer and heralded as a trailblazer.

Or I could just end up get my ass kicked. I'm ready for either.

Maxim #72: Never ask another guy how you look
I understand the author's hesitation in asking another man about appearance. Have you seen some of the outfits on men these days? Did they dress in a dark closet with their eyes closed? Would it kill them to add some color? Have I been hanging with too many gay men? I decided to gauge the reaction of different men to that simple, innocent question "How do I look?"Went to lunch with my dad. Actually, he took me to lunch because he thinks I'm broke and could never afford lunch. It's so touching how he still knows me.

"Ready?"
"Yeah. How do I look?"
"What?"
"Do I look OK?"
"Aren't we going to the diner?"
"Yes, but I want to make sure I look presentable."
"For who? The homeless guy at the counter. Look too nice he may mug you."
"Stop joking. Do I look OK?"

Silence along with an all-too-familiar face that for many years was prelude to a question like "Is this a joke?" or "Are you high?" It was usually one or the other. Attempts at asking male friends how I look end similarly, justifying this rule's existence.

Maxim #36 -- You don't trust this "yoga"
After researching and penning an article about the arguments against yoga, I had myself convinced it wasn't an exercise for the male species. Unfortunately, my research didn't go as far as "take an actual class" because I'm an ignorant bastard. What the hell do men have against yoga?

I took a beginner's class to find out. I should have waited to see if they had a toddler program. I was sweating in the first five minutes but something also kept making me want to nap. I'm not sure if it was the mood lighting or the fact I had my own mat to nap on but I was more than willing to forget all these bending and stretching shenanigans and just take a nice little siesta. When the class finally ended my Underoos were drenched but I wasn't sure if that was the sign of a good workout or the fact I'm incredibly uncoordinated and spent half the class shaking in place attempting the simplest moves.

Yoga seems like an excellent workout. I'll probably never do it again but if I ever need some shuteye after running the treadmill, I know where to snooze. No yoga.

Maxim #51 -- No exclamation points or emoticons
Why not?!! That's ridiculous! :-( It's perfectly acceptable for a man to express his emotion over email or chat with expressive punctuation, accepted abbreviations or those cool hearts and dancing smiley heads. I love those things. It's no big deal. Watch. I bet a friend won't even notice if I use (or overuse) them in a typical chat situation.

Me: HI! :)
Friend: Why so chipper?
Me: How are you today?!? Happy :) or Sad :(
Friend: Uh fine ...
Me: I can't wait for this weekend! I'm LOLing about it right now!
Friend: Who are you?
Me: What's wrong? :(
Friend: You have NEVER used LOLing since I've known you. Why would you start now?
Me: So BFD I'm using it NOW! WTF?
Friend: BFD?
Me: Big Funking Deal!
Friend: Sudden shifts in mood are scary.
Me: Does it bother you?????
Friend: Yes. If this is going to be some alter ego of yours, count me out. You scare me.

Fine. No emotion. At least no emailed emotion.

Maxim #43 -- No baths
This would prove to be the most difficult of tasks. I hate baths. Baths are dirty. The tub bottom, unless freshly scrubbed, is the deposit for all the nastiness washed away after weeks of showers. Running warm water into a tub just loosens the filth so it can participate in free swim with the rest of the germs. Once you scrub yourself clean, where is all the dirty water? You're swimming in it! If baths are so effective why is the first move after a bath to turn on the shower and rinse off?

But, I'm the one that agreed to this so I'm forced to take a bath. If I don't come back tell my wife not to sell my comic books.

The tub is full. I'm naked. I'm standing there. This was all my idea. I hate my ideas.

I didn't check the clock but a strong guess would be that I lasted roughly four minutes. One minute standing in the water. A few seconds dipping my sweet cheeks into the tub like a cruller in a morning cup of Joe. Maybe two minutes of staring at my own naked body sealed the deal. That's enough.

Agreed. No baths.

Maxim #5 -- Keep an empty urinal between you and the next guy.
Why did I choose this of all the Maxims? Excellent question. The answer is I don't think standing next to a complete stranger at a urinal is that big of a deal. The other accepted answer is because I'm a moron.

This experiment did take a while. I had to stand out in front of the men's room and wait to follow another guy in. Finally! I waited a moment and followed him into the restroom. He took the urinal closest to the wall and I settled in right next to him. I felt him look once, look down, then look again.

Nothing happened. Literally, nothing happened. Cursed by the dreaded urinal stage fright which made this encounter all the more awkward. Perhaps that is the reason for the buffer.

He finished his business and left in a hurry. Hell, I would too if someone followed me into the bathroom and peed right next to me. Fine. No more following strangers into bathrooms. That's more a general rule then a Maxim.

Now everyone please stop watching. I can't stand in front of this urinal all day.

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Working Cuff Link Lighters Make Your Outfit Hot

Chris Illuminati — 2009-10-21T11:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Gear, Style

Lighting a woman's cigarette is a money move. It's an ice breaker and a conversation starter. But imagine the way her eyes would light up when you lit her Virginia Slims using your lighter/cuff links. Especially if you slip and light her eyebrows on fire.

Apparently these are vintage pieces that were "once dispensed in gumball machines approximately 50 years ago." The same machines that spit out "gold" necklaces and Homies? Not in my neighborhood.

These little fire-starters do come with warnings like "take the cuff link off before lighting," "don't overfill," and "stop trying to light that woman's cigarette because she is married." (If you do get that last warning, better hope you're packing a switchblade comb.)

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Before You Delete Facebook -- How to Go Rogue

Chris Illuminati — 2009-10-20T11:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Humor, Entertainment, How-to

Facebook has jumped the shark. There, we said it. It was amusing for about a month. Somewhere around this point, it all started to go downhill. As the Washington Post reports, more and more of the kids these days are deciding to have nothing to do with it -- and an increasing number of people and celebrities who've had their many faults (or, ahem -- assets) laid bare on social networks for the Huffington Post to gobble up, are deleting their Facebook and Twitter accounts altogether.

But we think that's just a waste -- if you're going to give it up, why not raise some hell on your way out the door?

So set your status to fun, it's time to screw with all your "friends" one last time.

First, there are a couple of rules: Only mess with people you know can take a joke or people you don't care about losing touch with after you embarrass them in front of all the other people they don't really know except through Facebook.

Here are our top suggestions for going rogue on the 'book:1. Comment on your unmarried friend's wall: "I can't believe you're finally going to propose to your girlfriend this weekend! Let me know how it goes. "

2. Just start copying and pasting other people's status updates. Over and over.

3. Comment under a picture of someone's newborn kid: "I hope he gets to meet his real dad some day."

4. Fake charities that sound like real ones are gold. Start fan pages and ask for donations for the March of Mimes or Easter Seals (the one that actually supports recently crucified and resurrected harbor seals).

5. Respond to every single status update with "that's what she said." Every. Single. Update. Of course this isn't actually funny, but the responses back at you will be outstanding.

6. Set your "in a relationship with" field on your profile to rotate through all of your friends' mothers.

7. Begin a relentless "poking" campaign. Totally relentless.

8. Post links for every single Asylum post on your wall and encourage all your friends to do the same -- so annoying, and such a waste of good wall space ...

From the Web:
15 Biggest Internet Jackasses of All Time. (COED)
The 15 Most Egregious Photoshop Jobs. (Cracked)

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Who's the Most Badass Children's Book Author?

Chris Illuminati — 2009-10-15T12:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Entertainment, Celebrity, Weird News, Required Reading

Maurice Sendak recently came to our attention when he awesomely told Newsweek that parents who think the "Where the Wild Things Are" film may be too scary can "go to hell," following up by saying, "If they [kids] can't handle it, go home. Or wet your pants. Do whatever you like. But it's not a question that can be answered."

Really, Mo? Telling parents, the people who buy your books, to go to hell and piss their pants? That's pretty ballsy for a guy in the same line of work as Mother Goose.

You'd think the authors of some of the most beloved children's books of all time would be sweet, shuffling, timid men with elbow patches and pockets full of lollipops. But when we looked into this phenomenon a little more closely, we found that not only does Mr. Sendak have a bit of a prickly history, so too do some of his contemporaries.Maurice Sendak
Aside from just hating parents, Sendak's first major success, "In the Night Kitchen" created a huge brouhaha because the main character, Mickey, appears buck-naked. And if a naked 4-year-old was a huge deal in 1970, could you imagine what would happen today?

Sendak even managed to alienate himself from his own family. The story goes that Sendak modeled one of the ugliest characters in "Wild Things" after his uncle who once pissed him off as a child. Kindly, Sendak wrote the uncle a letter to let him know this little fact.

Sendak also came out as a gay man at the age of 80 after living an entire life in secret. We like to think this was one last "screw you" to the people who still want his books banned after all these years.

Shel Silverstein
You know The 'Stein, author of "Where the Sidewalk Ends" wrote some bafflingly good kid's poems, but did you know he also rocked out? Shel penned "A Boy Named Sue" and "25 Minutes to Go" for Johnny Cash, won a Grammy for "Sue," and was posthumously inducted into the Nashville Songwriters Hall of Fame in 2002. One of Shel's more badass tunes, for Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show, was called "Don't Give a Dose to the One You Love Most" and was a cautionary tale about the dangers of venereal disease. Oh, so that's what happens when the "missing piece" meets the "big O." Kinky, Shel.

Silverstein was a control freak about his work, so much so he even demanded to choose the size, shape, color, and quality of the paper on which his poems and stories were to be published. He left behind some fantastic sound bites and interviews that gave a peek into his unusual psyche. Where does the sidewalk end? None of your G-D business. Next question!

Roald Dahl
Before becoming a best-selling author and giving the world Willy Wonka (the Gene Wilder version -- that Johnny Depp thing never happened), Dahl flew fighter planes for the Royal Air Force in World War II. He was shot down in the desert in Libya, had half his head burned off and still managed to survive.

Throw in the fact he was a monster at 6-foot-6 and admitted to being an agent for MI-6, the British Foreign Intelligence Service, and his cred as a badass is hard to dispute.

So which author is the biggest badass? Vote in the poll and let us know what you think.

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Man on Man -- Jon Krakauer -- Master Chronicler or Grave Robber?

Chris Illuminati — 2009-10-12T15:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Entertainment, Celebrity, Required Reading

In Man on Man, Asylum looks at notable men: their deeds, their works and yes, their character.

Jon Krakauer. You know the name but maybe not off the top of your head. Krakauer is the best-selling author of several fascinating yet heartbreaking books such as "Into the Wild," "Into Thin Air," and most recently, "Where Men Win Glory: The Odyssey of Pat Tillman." While the stories are somewhat different in structure, many of the central protagonists share eerily similar characteristics -- loners, rebels, men who push against the grain, stray from the norm and blaze their own trail.

Oh yeah -- and die. Most of them die in the end. (Should we have yelled Spoiler?) Christopher McCandless. Dead. Pat Tillman. Dead. Krakauer? Almost dead. Would have been the perfect ending to his accounts on Mt. Everest for "Into Thin Air" except someone else would have had to pen the final chapter.

These stories needed to be told. For anyone who thought they could survive in the wilderness with little training, food and the equivalent of Uggs keeping their footsies warm, the story of Chris McCandless needed a national audience and eventually a movie score by Eddie Vedder. And NFL star Pat Tillman, who gave up fortune and fame to serve his country, is an example to those young men and women enlisting in the U.S. military without considering all the outcomes, including the possibility of dying at the hands of your own comrades.

These are brave but harrowing tales for public consumption, but why always Krakauer? Does he scan the obits for the best story of people meeting their maker?Fire? ehh.

Car crash? Boring.

Oh, falling while repairing the roof of an orphanage you once called home? You don't say?

This got the Asylum staff wondering about the works and literary legacy of Mr. Krakauer. Is he an intrepid chronicler of brave (and often heroically stupid) people, or is he excavating strangers' painful memories for his personal profit?

Now, we aren't insisting that his next great work be the simple sandbox shenanigans of a middle-school bully, but damn, Jon, ever heard of "rest in peace"? (A helpful word of warning to possible Krakauer subjects: If John comes knocking, there is a good chance he knows something you don't. Better reserve a nice pine box just in case.)

So is Krakauer leaving a lasting legacy for future generations, or just making bank on courageous, dauntless people who've made costly life decisions?

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