Live-Action Simpsons Sex Tape Coming Soon

Just when you maybe allowed yourself to start thinking "The Simpsons" couldn't get any worse, somebody decided to up and make a live-action pornographic movie starring most of the town of Springfield. Promising that we've "never seen sex this yellow" (apparently they don't know about our weird jaundice fetish), Full Spread Entertainment is releasing a live-action video of what happens when you ...

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Warm Crack in Michigan Sparks Panic Among Locals

It's been long enough that we'd almost forgotten what life is like outside the big city, in places where bars only sell 3.2-percent-alcohol beer and people participate in pie-eating contests without any discernible sense of irony. Thank goodness for this video of a hot crack in Michigan. The crack, which is 3 or 4 feet deep in spots and sometimes half a foot wide, just "appeared" in the ground ...

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Prosthetic Tentacle Arm Puts Pirate Hook to Shame

If all you've ever wanted is a prosthetic arm that looks like a terrifying tentacle, this could potentially be your best Christmas ever. Because, that is a product that now exists. Invented by Kaylene Kau, a recent graduate from the University of Washington, the tentacle-thingy was apparently not designed to inspire nightmares; rather, its user can control it with two buttons located on the...

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Poor, Cold Bikini Baristas Tough It Out During Winter Months

It must be awesome to work in a television newsroom. If you're having a rough day, you can just be like, "Let's find somebody with a terrible job and then point out how much it sucks to be them." If you're lucky, bikinis will be involved. Fortunately, that was the case in Spokane, Wash., where they have the good fortune to have both freezing temperatures and Big Shots Espresso, a coffee shop st...

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Robot Ornaments Make Excellent Christmas Safeguard

Whether you're trying to prove your allegiance to our eventual robot overlords or you're just tired of trees decorated with angels and snowflakes and other lame crap, have we got something for you! Vendor RobotsAreAwesome makes it OK for dudes to actually look at and maybe even purchase something from Etsy, by creating seriously awesome robot Christmas tree ornaments. It seems to us that bei...

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1,000 Minor-Celebrity Rats Available for Adoption

This holiday season, what do you give the person who already has everything? How about a thousand rats? Yes, 1,000 rats are now available and waiting to be taken to your loving home. The rats have been moved to San Jose from Los Angeles, where they were stars in an episode of "Hoarders." Apparently just one pregnant rat was brought into the man's home, and soon enough she and her litter had ...

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Robots Continue Slow-Paced White House Invasion

Stop the robot insanity! One by one, the monsters of the future are weaseling their way into the president's good graces. One second a seemingly harmless soccer-playing robot has been invited into the White House, and the next thing you know, President Obama is in Japan, laughing at a saucy FemBot's jokes. How much time do we have left before we're living in the reality of "Blade Runner"? And w...

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Angry Professor Really, Really Hates Yawning

Just one more reason why school is for chump suckas: There are crazy teachers there who hate the sound of yawning! Like, they become enraged by it, they hate it so much. On the plus side, there are also security cameras to record said rage attacks, so later everybody can laugh and laugh at the out-of-control yawn-hater. Most surprising to us isn't the random outburst over an "overly loud" ya...

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PETA Launches War Against Donkey Basketball

Fur coats, sure. Jennifer Lopez's weird fox-hair eyelashes, take 'em. But not from our cold, dead, on-top-of-a-donkey hands will you pry this basketball, PETA. The animal rights organization is asking a Wisconsin high school to cancel a fundraiser featuring the sport, because the animals are pulled and shouted at when they don't want to play. Apparently they don't realize that's the whole point...

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Peyote Shortage, Like, Bumming Everyone Out, Man

Film majors, Hunter S. Thompson enthusiasts and American Indians take note: There's a peyote shortage across America. Don't freak out, man -- it'll all be over in a few hours. To be fair, the shortage mostly affects the three men in the nation who can legally harvest and sell peyote to registered members of the Native American Church. Those guys just aren't coming up with the amount of peyote b...

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