Asylum

I Survived A Mugging (Twice)

John Devore — 2010-02-19T11:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Humor, Oh, You Badass, Weird

This wasn't my first mugging. This pair had gotten the jump on me in broad daylight, and knocked me down from behind. Once I realized that they were content with taking my iPod, and not my credit cards or cash, I relaxed.

I was the perfect yuppie mark. I wish I could have seen them scroll through my obnoxious hipster playlist after a clean getaway and heard them ask, "What's a Death Cab for Cutie, and why does it sound like a vampire getting his nuts stomped?"

Greek Batman raced over to me seconds after the attack. I call him Greek Batman because he was Greek, and a believer in vigilante justice. He was squat, like a gargantuan hobbit. A black, fuzzy mustache dangled from beneath a pocked nose. His fists were clenched and ready for combat.

This is how you keep a working-class neighborhood in Queens safe: You have men like Greek Batman ready and willing to bust open the skulls of evildoers.

The kids who had mugged me were running down the street and almost out of sight. "Come on! We get them! We get them!" he said. He pointed down the street, then to his Batmobile, a white van parked at the curb, and then once again in the direction of the junior criminals. "Now!" he cried. "Let's go!

And do what? I thoughtI had been through worse
The first time I was mugged, I was pistol-whipped by an angry junkie in Richmond, Va. He kicked me repeatedly as I was sprawled out on the street. I remember him asking if I had any money.

"No, sir!" I said, terrified.

"Don't call me 'sir'!" he replied, and jabbed me in the skull with the barrel of his .22. He searched me and violently probed my testicles, as if I'd roll up dollar bills and tuck them in my taint.

If there is a God, he certainly works in mysterious ways. Just that morning I had been bitched and moaned to my stoner buddies that it had been weeks since I'd seen any action, and lo and behold, my prayers were answered in the form of a drugged-out crook molesting my unmentionables.

He got away with some coins, lint and my shoes. If I moved, he said, he'd shoot me dead. I lay on the cold concrete for half-an-hour until I got up, barefoot and bleeding.

A couple of hooded teenagers roughing me up and snatching my iPod is an inconvenience, but it's not as bad as being kicked in the guts at gunpoint. Greek Batman wanted to literally street-fight crime. I looked at him and told him I was going to call the cops. Greek Batman jumped into his van, revved the engine and roared off in hot pursuit.

I called the police
Law enforcement is a lot like the military -- the best and the worst of our society signs up for noble and dishonorable reasons. On that day, I got a couple of cops who were as unimpressed with my weakling white-collar ass as Greek Batman. They wanted a real case, and they got "Law & Order: The Real World."

They knew and I knew the iPod was lost, and these kids were miles away. Still, the cops drove me around, then dropped me off near my place and told me to watch my back next time.

Still a little rattled, I swung by my neighborhood bar, the one where the old timers get bombed. I tell the bartender, a proper Irish lady with an actual shillelagh under the bar, that I had just gotten mugged not four blocks away. But she already knew. The bar was buzzing with the news. She bought me a drink.

Midway through my third, Greek Batman walks over to me. "Don't worry. When we find those bastards, we're going to break their f**king legs."

John Devore is an Asylum contributor who believes in full cooperation with criminals.

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Never Cry at a Whorehouse -- What I Learned the Hard Way

John Devore — 2009-12-08T14:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Sex, Humor, Dating/Love, Women

John Devore is a satirist, critic and editor and this is a true story.

In retrospect, I shouldn't have cried at the brothel. It unnerved the hookers.

See, for the record, I preemptively broke up with her. She walked out, and I decided to drink. Hauled ass to the local old-man bar, and that's where I met Frankie. I made the mistake of laughing at some joke he made. This pleased the toxic heap, and he bought me a shot.

Two shots later, I've told him my whole sob story. He starts giving me absolutely insane advice. "Broads can't hurt you because they don't exist" and "Fight dragons with fire." I have no idea what anything he ever said meant.

At one point, he had his arm around me and whispered that I should give it time. What I needed, according to Frankie, was to live a little, and "clean out my pipes."A Small Brick of Cocaine

He slaps my back with his manhole-sized mitts, hands me a folded-over magazine page and tells me to go the bathroom.

It was a small brick of cocaine. I had to shave it with my keys to get a bump, and bingo -- I was his lap poodle for the night. Frankie bragged about knowing and banging every bartender in the area, and he wanted to prove it. We stumbled everywhere, grinding our teeth into paste, and he was partially right: He knew every bartender, each of whom met us with hostile eye rolls.

Eventually, we arrived at a bar with the roll gate halfway down and literally ducked inside. It wasn't until Frankie had disappeared in the back accompanied by a plump woman working lotion into cracked hands that I realized this wasn't really a bar.

It Didn't Help That I Was So Strung Out

I just wasn't sold that a 20-dollar handjob in the backroom of a jerk-off shop fronting as a shoebox-shaped bar was the best way to cope with a relationship that had just self-immolated. It didn't help that I was so strung out. And I was terrified of Frankie, and of most of the clientele slowly sucking bottles of beer, waiting for their turn with one of the waitresses who didn't serve drinks.

The little dude sitting next to me with the greasy mouth, bouncing knee and constant nervous giggling I could handle. I could even manage the old man who looked like he'd had the piss kicked out of him because, well, he smelled like piss. But it was the guy with one ear (one damn ear, I swear) who never blinked that really sent me into a paranoid downward spiral.

I was within walking distance of my empty apartment. I missed her. Cue the wetworks.

Let This Be a Lesson -- Never Cry at a Whorehouse

My whimpering was pissing Frankie off, who had long forgotten my name. The booze and coke and cheap trim had wiped away all memory of his having dragged me all over Queens on a mission to show me how a man deals with getting dumped.

Frank Sinatra came on the juke box. "You like Sinatra?" he violently jabbed a meaty finger in my direction. He barked the question again, and I gave him the man nod. My legs were trembling, but I got off my stool and looked at Frankie and said, "I love Sinatra. Next one's on me." My one single dollar bill was wet with my ass's fear sweat, but I fed it into the machine and ordered up "The Lady Is a Tramp."

The plump woman with the oily hands saved me. She sensed her mark still had more juice and led him, again, into the backroom. "One more time!" he bellowed. I made a hasty exit and went home to lie down, alone, on a bed with no sheets or pillow cases. (She took those with her.) Then I left the most embarrassing, rambling, unhinged voicemail of my life on my ex's cell phone.

It was days until she called me back. She had left her loofah behind.

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The Manliest Restaurant in America Has Been Found!

John Devore — 2009-08-27T10:45:00+00:00

Filed under: Food, Booze, Get In My Belly

After two days, and 46,874 votes, the people have spoken. Congratulations, Hilltop Inn of Evansville, Ind., you are the Manliest Restaurant in America (2009)!

This Midwestern favorite now has the ultimate bragging rights, having beaten a Boston BBQ hut, a San Fransisco burger mecca, and a D.C. steak palace. Rest assured, Hilltoppers, this epicurean honor offers more mileage than four stars from the Michelin Guide.

Asylum Editor-in-chief Neil Gladstone put it this way: "Asylum.com is thrilled to celebrate Hilltop Inn's victory as Manliest Restaurant in America. No doubt we must pause and acknowledge the fried brain sandwich's part in this triumph. There's definitely something about mashing up something's brain, frying it in a pan and dropping it on a bun that's guaranteed to put hair on your chest. This is a proud day for the brain eaters throughout our 50 states and around the world."

Not only does the Hilltop Inn get to baste itself in a rich broth of prestige, its owners will soon be receiving a unique, nearly priceless plaque that declares their eating establishment fit enough for Conan the King, the Ghost of Evel Knievel, or any guy who just finished a 15-hour-shift and has a grizzly bear-size appetite.

Let the pilgrimage begin! Surge forth and consume brains like a famished zombie army! (Editor's note: They also make amazing stews, fried chicken and Icelandic cod, and serve beer in mighty vessels.)

For more about the fried brain sandwich, see the video after the jump.

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Vote for the Manliest Restaurant in America -- the Final Four

John Devore — 2009-08-24T13:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Food, Get In My Belly

We've been on a mission to find the Manliest Restaurant in the United States and last week you helped narrow down the nominations. We started with 20 testosterone-packed truck stops, restaurants, burger joints and steakhouses from all across our country. Thousands of votes later, we have four grub depots -- one from each section of the country -- that would please even the swarthiest of palettes.

The Final Four are:

Northeast: Blue Ribbon BBQ -- a beloved bastion of barbecue in Boston.

South: Ray's the Steaks -- an affordable, no-nonsense steakhouse in the suburbs of Washington, D.C.

Midwest: Hilltop Inn -- a legendary Indianan restaurant famous for fried brain sandwiches.

West: Zeitgeist -- San Francisco's rowdy burger haven.

To help you decide, we're going to explain why they were nominated below. Unlike regular "democracy," your vote counts. On Thursday, August 27, we're going to bestow "Manliest Restaurant in America 2009" to one of these four chow bunkers. There will be no argument. This will be settled ... for this year. Vote here.

Manliest Restaurant in the Northeast: Blue Ribbon BBQ

Location: Boston
Great barbecue north of the Mason-Dixon? It's here at this Boston mainstay, where the portions are ginormous and the proprietors purportedly lay claim to having invented all forms of slow-cooking meat. You've been warned, North Carolina, Memphis, Kansas City and Texas -- it's time to step up or shut up.
Chris of Manlyeats writes: "Unlike other BBQ joints, this one is actually good. You might still feel disgusted with yourself afterward."

Manliest Restaurant in the South: Ray's the Steaks
Location: Arlington, Va.
The name of this steakhouse is a pun, and you know why the owners can resort to puns? Because Ray's the Steaks will own your mouth. They can make all the bad jokes they want -- you'll be too busy Hoovering their cuts to care. This affordable house of meat is one of the best inside the Beltway, if not the country. The proof is in the bone-marrow pudding, which is actually pure, beefy fat.
Jason Storch of DCfoodies.com raves: "Perfectly cooked, flavorful and the best damned steak deal in the area, period."

Click here to check out our other two finalists and vote.

Manliest Restaurant in the West: Zeitgeist
Location: San Francisco
You want a burger? Well, do you, punk? Then you better shout your order loudly at this rowdy burger spot with a great garden, bloody Marys and, of course, burgers. These patties are the real San Francisco treat. And as if to answer prayers, the Tamale Lady shows up at 7 p.m.
Davina Baum of Chow writes: "When hunger strikes, the hamburgers and home fries do the trick (if you can hear your name barked over the din)."

Manliest Restaurant in the Midwest: Hill Top Inn
Location: Evansville, Ind.
In the old German part of Evansville is the quaint Hilltop Inn, where you can get a plate of delicious comfort food. You can also get a bowl of "burgoo" which is an Irish stew that's basically "liquid meat." Or ... you could order up Hilltop Inn's fried brain sandwich. Zombie want. (And if you don't want brains, they're also famous for their Icelandic cod.)
Fun Fact: What do you put on a fried brain sandwich? That's easy: mustard, onions, pickles and dreams.

The final tallying for the mantastic restaurant is now upon us, and the top eateries from each region have been chosen. Vote now.

See the rest of the nominations:
Vote for the Manliest Restaurant in America -- Round 1
Vote for the Manliest Restaurant in America -- Round 2
Vote for the Manliest Restaurant in America -- Round 3
Vote for the Manliest Restaurant in America -- Round 4
Vote for the Manliest Restaurant in America -- Round 5

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Vote for the Manliest Restaurant In America -- Round 5

John Devore — 2009-08-21T13:45:00+00:00

Filed under: Food, Get In My Belly

We're on a mission to find the manliest restaurant in America, and you're going to help us. Every day this week, we're presenting drool-inducing chow bunkers from the four regions of our proud nation (South, Northeast, Midwest and West) for a total of 20 nominees.

Who decides which restaurant is the manliest? You do. Vote Here for which one makes you want to dislodge your jaw like a python.

1. Manly Restaurant Nominee: Mothers Restaurant
Location: New Orleans, Louisiana
Award: Best Po'boy That'll Make You Want Mo'boy
This factory of feasts goes through 175,000 pounds of ham and roast beef a year. Swoon. They make a small army of po-boys, the amazing New Orleans French bread sandwiches, and if you want, you can have "debris" on them. Which are gravy-soaked roast beef shavings. Beef. Shavings.
Colleen Kane of colleenkane.com writes: "Meaty = man food, as does complete disregard for health in favor of flavor."

2. Manly Restaurant Nominee: Texas Wieners
Location: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Award: Best Marriage Of Cheese And Sausage
You want a hot dog? Tough. This corner favorite has dogs as huge and unhealthy as the state of Texas itself. And that's just the meaty baseline: pile on cheese, onions, peppers, heart attacks, and what you get is a truly glorious, nitrate-rich experience.
Fun Fact: Originally created by Greek immigrants over eighty years ago, Texas Wieners stays true to it's roots: get a dog suffocated with gooey feta cheese.

3. Manly Restaurant Nominee: Zeitgeist
Location: San Fran
Award: Best Reason to Fight a Mob For a Burger
You want a burger? Well, do you punk? Then you better shout your order loudly at this rowdy burger spot with a great garden, bloody Mary's, and of course, burgers. These patties are the real San Francisco treat. And as if to answer prayers, The Tamale Lady shows up at 7PM.
Davina Baum of Chow writes: "When hunger strikes the hamburgers and home fries do the trick (if you can hear your name barked over the din)"

4. Manly Restaurant Nominee: Hill Top Inn
Location: Evansville Indiana
Award: The Smartest Fried Sandwich
In the old German part of Evansville is the quaint Hilltop Inn, where you can get a plate of delicious comfort food. You can also get a bowl of "burgoo" which is an Irish stew that's basically "liquid meat." Or... you could get a fried brain sandwich. Zombie want.
Fun Fact: What do you put on a fried brain sandwich? That's easy: mustard, onions, and pickles. And dreams.

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Vote for the Manliest Restaurant in America -- Round 4

John Devore — 2009-08-20T14:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Food, Get In My Belly

Who decides which restaurant is the manliest? You do. Vote here for which one makes you want to dislodge your jaw like a python.

2. Manly Restaurant Nominee: Louis Lunch

Location: New Haven, Conn.
Award: Best Example of Basic Burger Perfection
Louis Lunch was making burgers before man flew, drove or ate salads. There's meat. There's bread. There is no ketchup. Just a celebration of the simple joys of charred ground beef. If this burger was good enough for Granddad, it's more than you deserve, Sally.
Streeter Seidell of Streeterseidell.com writes: "They celebrate meat. The burgers are cooked on these vertical gas stoves that they've had since forever, on toasted white bread and bloody as hell."

To see more of our nominations, continue reading after the jump.

3. Manly Restaurant Nominee: The Buckhorn Exchange
Location: Denver
Award: Biggest, Bestest Balls
It's the oldest restaurant in Denver and is possession of Colorado Liquor License No.1. You may want to consult the extensive whiskey list before you feast on elk, buffalo, yak and Rocky Mountain oysters. What are those? Eat them. Then be strong, and virile, like bull.
Tucker Shaw of The Denver Post says: "Over 500 animal heads line the walls, all but guaranteeing that the meat you're eating is watching you chow."

4. Manly Restaurant Nominee: Michael's Hawaiian Foods

Location: The Big Island, Hawaii
Award: Best BBQ-pocalypse
In Hemingway's classic book "The Old Man and the Sea," an aged, wise angler engages in mortal combat with a marlin, a beast of the sea. Michael, on the other hand, just smokes the sucker. Simple. Whatever swims or gallops is subject to this grill master, and he has the piles of succulent protein to prove it.
Fun Fact: Such is their love of giving widdle piggies sweaty nightmares, this Hawaiian mainstay will show up at your party and spit-roast an entire pig. Sorry, Porky.

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Vote for the Manliest Restaurant in America -- Round 3

John Devore — 2009-08-19T15:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Food, Get In My Belly, Tasty Vittles

Who decides which restaurant is the manliest? You do. Vote here for which one makes you want to dislodge your jaw like a python.

1. Manly Restaurant Nominee: Arthur Bryant's

Location: Kansas City, Mo.
Award: Sauce So Good the Beef Thanks It
Arthur Bryant's has served multiple presidents and celebrities. By the by, some in-flight rag called The New Yorker thinks it's the best restaurant in the world, so it's probably good enough for you. A Kansas mainstay, this local chain serves up sweet and spicy BBQ so good you might gnaw your fingers instead of lick them.
Fun Fact: An institution in Kansas City, Arthur himself describes his famous sauce with this humble haiku: "I make it so you can put it on bread and eat it."

2. Manly Restaurant Nominee: NASCAR Cafe

Location: Las Vegas
Award: Best Torpedo-Size Burrito
Park a NASCAR cafe in a casino and you'll find a Voltron-size place where they serve up a 6-lb. burrito. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Unless you're superhuman enough to devour this monster, then you'll be parked in the hotel can for at least two hours.
Eric Gladstone of Vegas magazine writes: "Even in a town where one-upmanship is a given, the Sahara's eatery-cum-amusement experience tops them all."

Click here to discover a New York landmark and the world's best beach-side burger.

3. Manly Restaurant Nominee: Keen's Steakhouse

Location: New York City
Award: Best Old-School Steakhouse
New York is a steakhouse town, and Keen's is an old-school bovine boutique that's possibly the best. But it's not even the steak that's the standout. They broil a hunk of mutton (that's sheep, y'all) that's thick and juicy, and the fat - the faaaaaat - is so tender, you'll want it to spoon you while you weep for joy.
Fun Fact: Open since 1885, Keens owns the largest collection of old-school pipes in the world, which adorn the ceilings and walls.

4. Manly Restaurant Nominee: Kingdom

Location: Miami
Award: Best Burger the Size of a Toddler's Head
Welcome to Kingdom, your Thunderdome of meat. Sure they have burgers that are 8 and 12 ounces, loaded with bacon and cheese. But then there's the Doomsday burger: 24 ounces, and it's free if you can eat the whole thing in 15 minutes. And then you die. (But you'll be reborn.)
Frodnesor of Food for Thought Miami says: "I'm still not sure what they do with them, but they're the best burgers I've had in Miami -- fat, juicy, sloppy and loaded with flavor."

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Vote for the Manliest Restaurant in America -- Round 2

John Devore — 2009-08-18T15:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Food, Mantastic, Tasty Vittles

Who decides which restaurant is the manliest? You do. Vote here for which one makes you want to dislodge your jaw like a python.

1. Manly Restaurant Nominee: Feast

Location: Houston
Award: Best Use of the Whole Dang Hog
Tail, snout and everything in between is what this Texas restaurant is known for. It takes guts to eat guts, and livers, cheeks and sweetbreads are also proudly served. This kind of meat is called offal. It should be called offal-some. Total porcine destruction.
Patricia Sharpe of TexasMonthly.com writes: "Try at least one thing you've never had before. I promise you won't regret it."

2. Manly Restaurant Nominee: Blue Ribbon BBQ

Location: Boston
Award: Best Barbecue With Attitude
Great barbecue north of the Mason-Dixon? It's here at this Boston mainstay, where the portions are ginormous and the proprietors purportedly lay claim to having invented all forms of slow-cooking meat. You've been warned, North Carolina, Tennessee, Kansas and Texas -- it's time to step up or shut up.
Chris of Manlyeats writes: "Unlike other BBQ joints, this one is actually good. You might still feel disgusted with yourself afterward."

Click here for the pride of Portland and a Midwestern beer mecca.

3. Manly Restaurant Nominee: Ringside

Location: Portland, Ore.
Award: Most Astounding Vegetarian Nightmare
Portland is full of crunchy tofu, sprout and couscous aficionados. Which is why Ringside is so damn essential to the testosterone levels of that city. This isn't a steakhouse: It's a sacred temple of blood, where steaks cooked to perfection are the high priests and everybody bows.
Chuck Thompson, travel writer, says: "I love the steak, onion rings and the vibe -- it's an antidote to the bulgur salad and truffle-oil ethic that has consumed so much of what remains at its core a sensible, down-to-earth city."

4. Manly Restaurant Nominee: The Publican

Location: Chicago
Award: Best Beer-Centric Eats
What a lovely array of exotic seafood, choice meats and special aged ham. But wait! The entire restaurant is inspired by and focuses on high-end beers. So you know what that means? Yes? Are you receiving the telepathic transmission? (Amazing beers served with amazing food.)
Fun Fact: Long, European beer hall inspired banquet tables dominate this beer and meat depot, and can sit up to 100 people per table. It's not family-style -- it's Viking-style.

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Vote for the Manliest Restaurant in America -- Round 1

John Devore — 2009-08-17T15:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Food, Get In My Belly

We're on a mission to find the manliest restaurant in America, and you're going to help us. Every day this week, we're celebrating drool-inducing chow bunkers from the four regions of our proud nation (South, Northeast, Midwest and West) for a total of 20 nominees.

Who decides which restaurant is the manliest? You do.Vote Here for the one makes you want to dislodge your jaw like a python.

We also want to hear which joints you think we missed. Leave your suggestions in the comments. Next week, we're going to award one restaurant with Asylum's Manliest Restaurant Award. And then this argument will be over. Vote now, vote often.

1. Manly Restaurant Nominee: Steel City Pizza and Sandwich Company
Location: Erie, Penn.
Award: Most Spiced Animal on a Bun

Steel City's pizzas are massive hubcaps of cheese and meat, but the real prizes are the calorie-laden hoagies, including the epic Triple Bypass which, and we doth quote, is "three all-beef patties, ham, salami, pepperoni, cappicola, provolone and American cheese, lettuce, tomato, onions, and oil or mayo."
Fun Fact: If the Triple Bypass sounds like diet food, you could also try their delightfully named Body Bag hoagie, which includes French fries, fried eggs and hot sauce.

2. Manly Restaurant Nominee: Ray's The Steaks
Location: Arlington, Va.
Award: Best Chunk of Cow-to-Buck Ratio
The name of this steakhouse is a pun, and you know why the owners can resort to puns? Because Ray's The Steaks will own your mouth. They can make all the bad jokes they want -- you'll be too busy Hoovering their cuts to care. This affordable house of meat is one of the best inside the Beltway, if not the country. The proof is in the bone-marrow pudding, which is actually pure, beefy fat.
Jason Storch of DCfoodies.com raves: "Perfectly cooked, flavorful and the best damned steak deal in the area, period."

Keep reading our nominees for Manliest Restaurant in America.

3. Manly Restaurant Nominee: Kuma's Corner
Location: Chicago
Award: Best Head-Bangiest Burgers
Kuma's Corner will not take crap from you or anyone. There are stated ways to behave at this burger hotspot that names it's burgers after heavy-metal bands. The burgers are loaded down with every conceivable topping you could want. So that's one Metallica, one Iron Maiden and one Goblin Cock?
Julia Kramer of Time Out Chicago says, "The ass-to-elbows crowd of dudes is here for the massive burgers like the Slayer, a pile of fries topped with a half-pound burger, chili, cherry peppers, Andouille, onions and Jack cheese, on a pretzel bun. "

4. Manly Restaurant Nominee: Omar's Highway Chef

Location: Tucson, Ariz.

Award: Best Truck Stop Slop
Omar's is just the oasis of fat and protein weary roadsters dream about while nodding off at the wheel. It's a diner on crack, and we dare you to inhale the I-10 breakfast: three eggs, three bacon strips, two sausage patties, ham, hash browns and two pancakes. Why bother with the diet plate? Go and get it with biscuits and gravy.
Fun Fact: This roadside depot of grease lives at The Triple T, one of the last remaining independently owned truck stops in the country. Corporate mini-mart, you've just been served.

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