Science Proves Zombies Will Kill Us All

In more bad news for the living today, scientists have determined that humanity would almost certainly perish in the (probably still unlikely) event of a zombie outbreak. Using probability to demonstrate what us "Walking Dead" fans have known for years, a team in Canada has shown that a zombie-like infection -- one that quickly killed its victims and then returned them to life in order to feast on...

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Kayaker Plunges 186 Feet in World Record Stunt

There's nothing we like better here at Asylum than a highly dangerous and pointless record attempt. Fortunately we have a good one to report today, and therefore have no need to push a gullible workmate off our roof in an attempt to break the world homemade-bungee-cord record. Tyler Bradt, an extreme sportsman, recently plunged more than 180 feet from a waterfall in a kayak, smashing the previous...

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The Luckiest Bastards on the Web

There is a story in the news today about a boy who survived being hit by a meteorite travelling at 30,000 mph. The natural conclusion is that the boy, Gerrit Blanks, was really lucky to survive. But who knows -- maybe he's just really skillful at avoiding galactic artillery? In the same way, the Internet is full of tales and videos about lucky escapes that exist solely to test our credulity, and...

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The Best in Face-Mask Fashion -- Surviving the Outbreak in Style

Has humanity has finally met its match? While the outbreak of swine flu is still in its early stages, it's just a matter of time before it brings us all to our knees. Er, probably. Maybe. Anyway, we think that it's nigh time for you to get ready for the "snoutbreak" by picking up a surgical face mask. But you don't want just any face mask. You need something to stand out from the plague-infested...

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Funny or Not? April Fools' Day Pranks Roundup

Our round-up of the funniest/most annoying April Fool's pranks from around the Web ... Seen any we missed? Let us know in the comments. YouTube flips upside-down. Improv Everywhere crashes memorial service for Best Funeral Ever prank. The Guardian announces it is leaving the world of print to publish exclusively on Twitter. (Guardian) Funny or Die goes "Reba or Die" and celebrates country...

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Heroic Bat Clings to Space Shuttle During Launch

As the Darwin awards have taught us, some deaths are embarrassing. But death can be glorious, too -- whether it comes after a heroic act to save the life of a child, or after an attempt to cling to the side of a space shuttle as it blasts into space. A bat, injured and frail, managed to experience the greatest death possible recently, when it clung to the space shuttle Discovery's fuel tank as it...

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Paranoia Alert -- Mysterious Fireball Plummets to Earth

As if the world didn't have enough problems, what with all the hellbeasts and asteroids and everything, a mysterious fireball has fallen from space. The U.S. Federal Aviation Administration has received multiple reports of the large fireball, and other smaller debris, plummeting into Texas over the weekend. Golfers at a ranch in the town of Austin said they saw something flying through the sky...

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Your Private Island -- How to Buy It, Pimp It, Staff It and Clean It

If you have any plans to threaten world destruction while dangling James Bond over a shark pit, then you're going to need your own private island. Even if your role models are less villainous -- billionaire Richard Branson, for instance, or privacy-seeking actor Johnny Depp -- an island should still be on your wish list. Why? Because owning an island is the next best thing to having your own...

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Handlebar Mustache Facing Global Extinction?

Despite its suavely mantastic appeal, the handlebar mustache is constantly under threat. Like the tiger or the noble narwhal, it takes many years to make a handlebar mustache, but only seconds to shave it off. The result is that with every lost handlebar, the 'stache inches ever closer to extinction. That's why it's so sad to read that the famous beards and handlebars of India are disappearing as...

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Bad Santas -- Ho-Ho-Horrible Kris Kringles

In a parallel universe, Father Christmas is a very different character. A psychotic old man with a mince-pie-encrusted beard, this Santa ritually breaks into people's homes in the middle of winter and leaves packages of broken toys made by slaves in a nightmare ice prison. Seen in this light, St. Nick is hardly a childhood hero -- he is a menace to be stopped at all costs. As further evidence, we...

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