Asylum

Is 'The Human Centipede' Really the Sickest Movie of All-Time?

Nicholas Nadel — 2010-04-30T18:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Entertainment, Tasty Vittles, Movies

Required viewing from the week in movies.

Sure, you could go see "A Nightmare on Elm Street" with all the teenagers and other audience members yelling at the screen, as if the characters could actually hear them. Or you can be a real horror fan and see "The Human Centipede," the Danish thriller that's being called the "sickest movie of all time." All we know about this one is that a crazy doctor stitches together a couple of stranded coeds into a literal version of the title. (We could barely get through an early clip [kinda NSFW], that's how messed up this movie is.) Polarizing audiences the world over, this is one foreign-language horror flick that won't be getting a bastardized American version anytime soon.

Also in theaters:
-- Michael Caine gets all Charles Bronson on some young punks in "Harry Brown," the story of a quiet Brit who goes on a vigilante rampage after the death of his only friend. Does Batman know that Alfred's been stepping out to bust heads in between cape cleanings?
-- While Jackie Earle Haley is perfectly cast as Freddy Krueger, we haven't heard anything positive about the reboot of "A Nightmare on Elm Street." Are modern audiences too jaded for Freddy? Those movies got really campy in the late '80s / early '90s. We're pretty sure Roseanne and Tom Arnold popped up by the end of the original franchise.
-- Catherine Keener, Oliver Platt and Amanda Peet star in "Please Give," an indie dramedy from the director of "Lovely and Amazing" and "Friends With Money." Keener's presence in a film is about as reliable a mark of quality as you can get these days.
-- Meanwhile, when Brendan Fraser battles woodland creatures in a movie called "Furry Vengeance," is safe to say there will be a head and/or crotch injury joke within the first 10 minutes.

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Megan Fox in 'Jonah Hex' Trailer; Lindsay Lohan's Racy Photo Spread

Nicholas Nadel — 2010-04-30T10:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Entertainment, Celebrity, Cheat Sheet, News

Showbiz news you actually want, from geek gossip to celeb train-wrecks.

Lindsay Lohan posed nude and with a gun for a racy shoot with celebrity photographer Tyler Shields. (Popeater)

The first trailer for "Jonah Hex," featuring Megan Fox as an old-timey lady of the evening was released. (FilmDrunk)

The Princess Leia bikini carwash will pretty much win the Internet for all time. (Screen Junkies)

Kristen Stewart and Megan Fox made FHM's list of the world's sexiest women. (Daily Fill)

Want to party with Carrie Stevens and other Playboy Playmates? Bid now. (Charity Buzz)

Holly Madison was spotted in a bikini at an event in Las Vegas. (Radar Online)

Gilbert Arenas is in more legal trouble -- this time over some guns he failed to pay for. (TMZ)

Boba Fett steampunk cosplay is pretty darn awesome. (Unreality Mag)

Reality TV star Erin Lucas is easy on the eyes. (Holy Taco)

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'Super Street Fighter IV' Brings Back Ryu, Blanka and All Your Favorites

Nicholas Nadel — 2010-04-29T18:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Entertainment, Games, Tasty Vittles

Required playing from the week in video games.

Relive the days of pumping quarters into "Street Fighter" arcade machines in order to destroy all comers with "Super Street Fighter IV." Thirty-five characters are unlocked right off the bat, with tons of new brawlers and updated versions of old favorites. (Check out a fun character breakdown over at ComicsAlliance.) Remember the car and barrel smashing bonus stages from "Street Fighter II"? They're back as well. Pop in a Bell Biv Devoe tape and it's 1991 all over again.

Also in stores:
-- "Nier," the latest fantasy RPG from "Final Fantasy" gurus Square Enix, has garnered headlines for featuring a sexy hermaphrodite character. Oh, video games. You so crazy!
-- "Dead to Rights: Retribution" updates the original 2002 "Max Payne" rip-off with superior graphics and far more blood. Once again, you control both Officer Jack Slate and his K-9 buddy Shadow, making for a game that answers the question, "What if 'Turner & Hooch' were remade by John Woo?"
-- "FIFA 2010 World Cup" uses confetti cannons, streamers, fireworks and more to recreate the pageantry of the actual event. What about the excited sportscaster exclaiming, "Gooooaaaaaaal!"?

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Readers Suggest Awesome Stuff for 'Most Awesome' List

Nicholas Nadel — 2010-04-29T12:00:00+00:00

Filed under: The Noble Prize, Weird Stuff

Recently, we revealed the top 10 most awesomest things ever, courtesy of the, uh, awesome website The Most Awesomest Thing Ever. While lasers, naps and the Internet make the top 10 on the site's regularly changing list, readers came up with plenty of other entries that they thought were deserved recognition.

Misanthropegirl warmed our bitter hearts, writing, "Love? Too sincere?"

Jutsy got all meta on us: "You know what just missed the list? #11: Nerds making lists. 'I don't know, guys, I imagine sex is cool and all, but I'd probably be fast and messy and embarrassed. On the other hand, the Internet doesn't laugh at me, and I can look at other...girls...in animal costumes. I'm gonna vote the Internet #1 instead."

But it's Nyost27 who wins today's Noble Prize for suggesting: "Two words: ninja slugs."

Yep, that's pretty hard to beat. Though "Adolescent Radioactive Black Belt Hamsters" are a close second.

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7 Advertising Mascot Movies We'd Like To See

Nicholas Nadel — 2010-04-29T11:30:00+00:00

We've finally calmed down after learning that the E-Trade babies -- those sassy talking tots who understand the global stock market for no apparent reason -- could be starring in their own movie. And no longer brimming with furious anger, we thought we'd help remake-happy Hollywood's current creative bankruptcy. It's only a matter of time before they give up and just start pumping out feature-length advertisements.

Here's where they got it wrong: Instead of forcing a "Look Who's Talking" rip-off down our collective throats, Tinseltown should have looked to other (i.e., better) advertising mascots for inspiration.

Here are seven movies based on famous commercials that we'd actually like to see.(All posters below designed by Brendan McGinley)

"The Noid"
The beloved Domino's Pizza mascot comes to the big screen at last!

When the nation's pizzas are threatened by nefarious super-prankster The Noid (played by Tracy Morgan), it's up to one diligent Domino's employee (Jesse Eisenberg) and his impossibly hot girlfriend (Olivia Wilde) to stop the costumed imp before it's too late.

It's the movie that guarantees at least 30 minutes of laughs ... or your ticket is free!

"National Treasure: Where's the Beef?"
It's a race around the world as Nicolas Cage helps former Wendy's spokeswoman Clara Peller (deliciously brought back to life by the special effects wizards behind "Avatar") finally uncover the location of the beef.

Will they find a patty large enough to satisfy Peller's ravenous hunger before it's too late? And what secrets lie in Ronald Reagan's tomb?

Co-starring Rich Little as the voice of robot Reagan!

"Exorbitant Charges"
Two cops, one city terrorized by overages and dead spots.

From the guy who brought you "Date Night" and "Night at the Museum: Battle for the Smithsonian" comes the one action-comedy you won't need to silence your cell phone for.

"Exorbitant Charges" stars both Luke Wilson (as AT&T spokesman Luke Wilson) and the Verizon "Can You Hear Me Now?" guy.

"Six Flags Over da Streets"
From the studio that brought you "Dangerous Minds" and "Freedom Writers" comes a tale of believing in yourself when the chips are down.

They were a street-wise group of inner-city teens. He was a mysterious, creepy old guy who taught them the power of dance. Together, their love for roller coasters, overpriced funnel cakes, and cheesy '90s dance music would change the world. This winter, more flags means more hugs.

The soundtrack is entirely made up of the Vengaboys' song "We Like to Party" (aka "The Six Flags Theme") as remixed by the Black Eyed Peas, Ke$ha, 3Oh!3, All-American Rejects and other terrible bands.

"Burger Satyricon"
Sex, violence and an ungodly amount of Whopper Jrs. all factor into this bizarre, Fellini-esque tale of the rise and fall of the Burger King "King."

How did he get to be the King? Why is he so irresistible to women? How can he appear in random places offering strangers a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit like it's no big thing?

This summer, audiences will find out why it's good to be the King -- if they can even figure out what's going on.

"Paranoia"
It's old-school thrills when the Geico money stack stars in the Hitchcockian thriller "Paranoia."

Who's watching you? A pile of cash with googly eyes. Bet you didn't see that coming!

Directed by whoever made "Saw VI."

"The Outlast"
The director of "The Road" returns to post-apocalyptic horror with this tale of a toy bunny that keeps "going and going and going" -- even after a nuclear holocaust turns the population into roving, cannibalistic gangs.

It's nearly three hours of the Energizer Bunny banging his drum through beautifully shot barren wastelands. Just give this one the Best Picture Oscar now, folks.

This Christmas, Energizer outlasts the competition ... until the end of time.

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Chelsea Handler Has a Sex Tape; You Could Dine With Emmanuelle Chriqui

Nicholas Nadel — 2010-04-29T10:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Entertainment, Celebrity, Cheat Sheet, News

Showbiz news you actually want, from geek gossip to celeb train-wrecks.

Chelsea Handler reportedly has a sex tape that is totally (probably) not a comedy bit. NSFW (Radar Online)

Want to lunch with Emmanuelle Chriqui, 2010's "most desirable woman"? Bid now. (Charity Buzz)

Sandra Bullock filed for divorce from Jesse James. She also adopted a baby boy from New Orleans. (Popeater)

"Iron Man 2" star Helena Mattsson had a nipple-slip on the red carpet. (The Blemish)

This "Curb Your Enthusiasm" porn is pretty, pretty, pretty wrong on so many levels. NSFW (Screen Junkies)

A Magic 8 Ball movie is in the works. Signs point to "direct-to-DVD." (FilmDrunk)

Here's what would happen if crazy director Werner Herzog read "Where's Waldo?" (Unreality Mag)

Being a Justin Bieber fan is dangerous. (Daily Fill)

"White Collar" and "Wall Street 2" star Natalie Morales is an up-and-coming looker. (Maxim)

Jamarcus Russell might be released from the Oakland Raiders. (With Leather)

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Get Your High-Flying Action on With the Ulimate 'District 13' Blu-ray

Nicholas Nadel — 2010-04-28T18:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Tasty Vittles

Required viewing from the week in DVD.

Parkour, the art of jumping around on stuff, has given the action genre a shot in the arm in recent years, thanks, in part, to the futuristic flicks "District 13" and its sequel, "District 13: Ultimatum." Now all the high-jumping, bone-crushing action can be enjoyed in HD glory with the "District B13/"District 13: Ultimatum" Blu-ray 2-pack. Is there any doubt that producer Luc Besson ("Taken," "The Transporter") is the current king of the action genre?

Also in stores:
-- "G.I. Joe: Season 2.0" -- which collects the episodes where Cobra combined the DNA of famous world conquerors to create Serpentor -- is approximately when sh** started to get weird for the Real American Heroes.
-- He who controls the spice, controls the universe. But he who owns "Dune" on Blu-ray gets to see Sting's space Speedo in digital hi-def.
-- Heath Ledger's final performance in Terry Gilliam's "The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus" more than makes up for the fact that movie makes zero sense.

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Count the Days Until Betty White's 'SNL' Debut With an Asylum T-Shirt

Nicholas Nadel — 2010-04-28T12:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Entertainment, Women, Celebrity, The Noble Prize, TV

Congratulations to reader Kari DePhillips winner of today's weekly giveaway of the official Asylum T-shirt, courtesy of Busted Tees. The tee features Betty White, friend of animals, fire of our loins and light of our life.

And what exactly did Kari DePhillips do to deserve this swag?

NOTHING (except leave a comment on one of our posts). Each week, we randomly select one commenter to receive a free shirt. This week, we randomly selected Kari. (So there.)

If you want one, all you've got to do is give us a piece of your mind in the comments section of any of our posts. The more you comment, the better your chances of winning.

So, Kari, enjoy your prize! We hope your river of esteem for our favorite Golden Girl runs as deep as ours. (We cannot wait for the upcoming "Women of Comedy" episode of "Saturday Night Live," which White's co-hosting! (Check out the hot promo now.) Congrats, grassroots Internet movements, for finally getting something right!)

For more GILF-friendly shirts, check out the selection from our friends at Busted Tees.

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Bret Michaels Takes a Turn for the Worse; Early 'Iron Man 2' Reviews

Nicholas Nadel — 2010-04-28T10:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Entertainment, Celebrity, Cheat Sheet, News

Showbiz news you actually want, from geek gossip to celeb train-wrecks.

Bret Michaels condition isn't likely to improve anytime soon. (Popeater)

Early reviews of "Iron Man 2" are mixed, except among the fanboys. (UGO)

Tito Ortiz's ex-wife defended him, in light of charges that he physically abused current girlfriend Jenna Jameson. (TMZ)

"The Ring" is coming back, in 3-D. (FilmDrunk)

Sandra Bullock will not seek custody of Jesse James' kids. (Radar Online)

A recent poll confirmed that men prefer Kristin Cavallari to her plastic "Hills" co-star Heidi Montag. (Daily Fill)

Is Robert Downey Jr.'s Tony Stark the smoothest superhero of all time? (Film Critic)

Erin Andrews turned up on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" to promote "Dancing with the Stars." (With Leather)

A movie based around parkour is actually in the works. (Screen Junkies)

"Mortal Kombat" characters playing "Rock Band" is pretty freaky. (Holy Taco)

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Courtney Love Resurrects Hole Once Again for 'Nobody's Daughter'

Nicholas Nadel — 2010-04-27T18:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Entertainment, Celebrity, Tasty Vittles, Music

Required listening from the week in music.

What if Courtney Love made a Hole record, and no one else in Hole showed up? It might sound a lot like a Courtney Love solo album, which is pretty much what "Nobody's Daughter" is: all Courtney, all the time, trading off Hole's good name. OK, it's actually not terrible. In fact, at times, it transports you back to the days of Crystal Pepsi and actual music videos on MTV. Has Love (who wants to be known as Courtney Michelle now) finally become the girl with the most cake? If, by cake, you mean "batsh**-crazy baggage," then yes.

Also in stores:
-- Comedian Brian Posehn ("The Sarah Silverman Program") riffs on heavy metal, his violent attraction to Kate Beckinsale and, uh, wangs and bodily functions in the appropriately titled stand-up album "Fart & Weiner Jokes."
-- Punk, ska, gypsy and klezmer music collide on Gogol Bordello's "Trans-Continental Hustle," the perfect soundtrack to the weird European movie that's always going through our head.

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Readers Iffy on the Whole Boobquake Thing

Nicholas Nadel — 2010-04-27T12:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Women, News, The Noble Prize, Weird

Yesterday's Boobquake event -- where ladies around the world were encouraged to wear low-cut tops in protest of an Iranian cleric blaming the recent spate of earthquakes on women shamelessly flaunting their goodies -- didn't exactly go off without a hitch. For one thing: there was an actual earthquake. There was also a blog-quake, which occurred in the form of a backlash.

On Asylum, reaction to Boobquake 2010 was mixed.

JDashDog, who clearly just saw boobs, but didn't bother to read the Boobquake post, wrote, "Whatever it is, I'm for it!"

SaadK applauded blogger/Boobquake founder Jennifer McCreight's efforts, but cautioned, "Modesty is a good thing, and, honestly, the way a lot of women, or even people in general, dress is nothing short of slutty."

Joseph Jimenez added, "Wow it's an awesome idea and i don't mind it but ... well, i think its going to end badly with how moronic a lot of men will be."

Do you have any stories from Boobquake 2010? Notice any cleavage explosions of near seismic proportions near you? Or are you holding out for the Vagina Tornado in 2011?

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Tito Ortiz Arrested for Attacking Jenna Jameson; Jim Carrey Duets With Conan

Nicholas Nadel — 2010-04-27T10:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Entertainment, Celebrity, Cheat Sheet, News

Showbiz news you actually want, from geek gossip to celeb train-wrecks.

Tito Ortiz was arrested for allegedly abusing girlfriend Jenna Jameson. (TMZ)

Jim Carrey joined Conan O'Brien for a rousing rendition of "Superman (It's Not Easy)," by Five for Fighting, during the latter's live show. (Screen Junkies)

Jesse James was spotted leaving rehab without his wedding ring on his finger. (Popeater)

Ridley Scott described his Monopoly movie as "a nightmare of greed." (FilmDrunk)

Hot Toys unveiled their awesome line of "Iron Man 2" collectibles. (UGO)

Footage of Naomi Campbell assaulting a TV cameraman surfaced. (Ninja Dude)

Leonard Nimoy throwing up the Shocker is downright disturbing. (Unreality Mag)

This guy is definitely Kobe Bryant's biggest fan. (Holy Taco)

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'Ghost World' Creator Returns With Darkly Hilarious 'Wilson'

Nicholas Nadel — 2010-04-26T18:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Entertainment, Tasty Vittles

Required reading from the week in books and comics.

Daniel Clowes -- the indie-comix genius behind "Ghost World" and "David Boring" -- returns with "Wilson," a collection of one-page strips centering around the misanthropic, out-of-touch-with-modern-society title character. It's vintage Clowes, from the bitter humor to the variety of art styles employed (everything from newspaper strip to photo-realism) to depict Wilson's rants against contemporary culture, as well as his awkward social encounters. (This thing has "Paul Giamatti vehicle" written all over it.)

Also in stores:
-- While you're in the comic book store for Free Comic Book Day, pick up "Y: The Last Man, Vol. 3," the latest deluxe edition of "Lost" writer Brian K. Vaughan's acclaimed sci-fi series about the last man in a world filled with women. It would be a paradise, if not for all the roving gangs of killer biker babes.
-- Want to be a rich and famous blogger like your pals at Asylum? Check out "ProBlogger: Secrets for Blogging Your Way to a Six-Figure Income." Need another get-rich-quick scheme? Write a book about how blogging will quickly make you rich.

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Readers Want Olivia Munn to Sit on Their Laps, Prank Them

Nicholas Nadel — 2010-04-26T12:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Women, Celebrity, The Noble Prize

After seeing Olivia Munn prank Asylum intern Kyle Moffatt, readers were more than ready to sign on to fetch coffee, make copies and assure that the flasks we keep in our desks are always full of sweet, sweet gin.

Red is more than willing to be pranked, writing, "Totally worth it to have Olivia Munn sit on your lap. FYI Asylum, my wife is a huge fan of Zoe Saldana, so ... you know ..."

Going Like Sixty praised Olivia's awesome attitude and sense of humor: "Well, now she's just cooler than ever. How nice!"

Geeks Are Sexy added, "That was EPIC beyond words. Kudos to Kyle for handling the situation rather well though."

Of course, there were some haters. The awesomely-named DorXtar questioned Munn's geek cred, writing, "I'll believe she's into nerds when she marries one."

Today's your lucky day, DorXTar, because we can report exclusively that Munn is engaged to none other than geek gal extraordinaire Felicia Day.* What do you think now?

[* Editor's note: Olivia Munn is not engaged to Felicia Day. This is yet another prank. We hope that this salacious -- and untrue -- gossip will not inspire any creepy fan fiction.]

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Poison's Bret Michaels in Critical Condition; Snooki's Wild Bar Fight

Nicholas Nadel — 2010-04-26T10:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Entertainment, Celebrity, Cheat Sheet, News

Showbiz news you actually want, from geek gossip to celeb train-wrecks.

Bret Michaels remains in critical condition after suffering a brain hemorrhage on Friday. (Popeater)

"Jersey Shore" cast member Snooki slapped a guy and threw food during a bar fight in Miami. (Radar Online)

Olivia Munn was spotted in a bikini while filming a segment for "Attack of the Show." (The Blemish)

Scarlett Johansson steps into the ring in the latest "Iron Man 2" clip. (FilmDrunk)

Michelle "Bombshell" McGee stripped down to the sounds of German heavy metal. (TMZ)

Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren's divorce is a definite possibility. (With Leather)

Lindsay Lohan was dropped from the cast of the drama "The Other Side." (Daily Fill)

Tricia Helfer and Jordana Brewster are two of the hottest babes on "Chuck." (UGO)

The "District 9" sequel could start filming this fall. (Screen Junkies)

The evolution of Raquel Welch is a study in classy hotness. (Unreality Mag)

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Inside a Formula 1 Race Car, When Comic Writers Meet Juggalos

Nicholas Nadel — 2010-04-26T09:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Weird News, Asylum Network News

Checking in with our Asylum bureaus from around the world.

Asylum UK takes a look at "The Grillslinger," the "Condiment Gun" and more of the manliest kitchen items on the market.

Asylum France has a video, courtesy of Australian racer Mark Webber, that puts you in the driver's seat of a Formula 1 race car.

Wake up to Asylum India's list of the 10 snazziest designer alarm clocks.

This circular bookshelf, uncovered by our pals at StreetLevel, turns reading into a cardio-friendly activity.

ComicsAlliance stumbled upon something truly terrifying at the Stumptown Comics Fest: Marvel Comics writer Jeff Parker cosplaying as a Juggalo.

Asylum Japan ranks the top sumo wrestlers, with the help of some action figures.

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'The Losers' Is the Comic Book A-Team

Nicholas Nadel — 2010-04-23T18:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Entertainment, Tasty Vittles, Movies

Required viewing from the week in movies.

The DC/Vertigo comic "The Losers" -- the tale of a ragtag group of mercenaries who go rogue after being betrayed by the C.I.A. -- comes to the big screen with the most eclectic cast in years. Neytiri of the Na'vi! Stringer Bell from "The Wire"! That guy from "Watchmen" and "Grey's Anatomy" who Hollywood thinks is a movie star for some reason! How about an outfit that combines "The A-Team," "The Losers" and "The Expendables"? Call it "The A-Loserables." Dolph Lundgren could be the leader!

Also in theaters:
-- The documentary "Best Worst Movie" examines the fervent fandom surrounding "Troll 2," the no-budget midnight movie classic regarded by many as the "worst film ever made." (Find out more info here.) If you haven't experienced "Troll 2," preferably while inebriated in a crowded theater, you are really missing out.
-- Disney's "Oceans," from the nature documentarians behind "Winged Migration," explores the beautiful, magical world under the sea. No singing crabs or comely teenage mermaids here, however.
-- Is "The Back-up Plan" a romantic comedy or something that Jennifer Lopez should consider now that her movie career is in the toilet?

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Lindsay's Dad Stages Intervention; Inside the 'South Park' Censorship

Nicholas Nadel — 2010-04-23T10:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Entertainment, Celebrity, Cheat Sheet, News

Showbiz news you actually want, from geek gossip to celeb train-wrecks.

Sheriffs did a welfare check at Lindsay Lohan's house yesterday, after Michael Lohan expressed concern over his younger daughter Ali Lohan's safety. (The Blemish)

Find out what was missing from this week's censored "South Park" episode. (Unreality Mag)

Lindsay Lohan is suspected of stealing a $35,000 Rolex. (TMZ)

Vanessa Hudgens might be playing Spider-Woman. (Daily Fill)

The "Friday the 13th" franchise is pretty much dead. (Screen Junkies)

Marvel announced plans to bring Dr. Strange and Luke Cage to the big screen. (UGO)

More women are coming forward claiming Steven Seagal sexually harassed them. (FilmDrunk)

The late DJ AM will make a cameo appearance in "Iron Man 2." (Popeater)

Real-life versions of Charlie Brown, Mario and other cartoon characters are pretty freaky. (Holy Taco)

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Catch the Kraken With 'Monster Hunter 3' for Wii

Nicholas Nadel — 2010-04-22T18:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Entertainment, Games, Tasty Vittles

Required playing from the week in video games.

Capcom's "Monster Hunter Tri" lets you and your Scooby gang play Beast Master, hunting down and battling various monsters on land and sea. The monsters actually interact with one another like living creatures -- migrating, feeding, etc. -- in the game's advanced ecosystem. Basically it's like battling giant sea monkeys that could also rip you to shreds.

Also in stores:
-- Channel your inner Daniel-san with "All Star Karate," a sports-action game for Wii that makes us long for the days of pumping quarters into "Karate Champ."
-- Give your Nintendo DS stylus a workout with "Beat City," a rhythm-based game that allows you to create a colorful cartoon world.
-- Speaking of the DS, "Dementium II" proves that the portable gaming system can do survival horror as well, if not better, than the big boys. Building on the creepy first installment, this outing offers plenty of dark corridors and abandoned rooms to explore in an eerie prison setting. It's like a video game version of "Shutter Island," but without all the head-scratching twists that leave you feeling vaguely dissatisfied.

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Reader Shares Terrifying Tale of a Randy Senior

Nicholas Nadel — 2010-04-22T12:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Sex, The Noble Prize, Weird

In a recent trend Investigation, Asylum's resident genius Ryan McKee uncovered a scary STD epidemic rampaging through our Greatest Generation. Turns out, randy old folks are most likely to engage in unprotected sex and suffer subsequent STD infection. (We knew Blanche got around, but still.)

While we prefer to think of our elders spending their golden years playing bocce ball and listening to that nice Garrison Keillor fellow, reader Gvoakes painted a far more sordid picture:

He writes, "I used to work in a retirement home as a waiter, and there was this one odd old lady that died her hair pink... every meal service she'd pinch my ass and hit on me. then one night she was absent from dinner service and I had to bring her meal to her apartment... so I get to her door, knock, and she says "come iiiiin". I open the door and she's sitting on her bed in the dark (I see her silhouette etched into my brain to this day) and I panicked and just launched the cart into her room and shut the door and ran away. Old people sex frightens me."

Chilling stuff. We'll never look at a sign for an "early bird special" the same way again.

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