Asylum

Is a Lap Dance Cheating in the Eyes of the Law?

Tom O'Keefe — 2010-10-15T11:30:00+00:00

In Asylum's eternal quest to bring our readers the straight dope, we connected with legal expert and funny guy Tom O'Keefe to answer your burning legal questions. If you have a question for him, drop it in the comments.

My wife and I have a prenuptial agreement with a no-cheating clause. Legally, is getting a lap dance in a strip club a violation?

The good news for most people is that due to that national standard of "no-fault" divorce, cheating should have no impact on the division of assets. So, the only time you can expect the law to get involved in your "innocent night of fun with the boys" is, in a case like yours, when that clever prenuptial agreement has a cheating clause, and the Mrs. thinks you've triggered it.

There is no across-the-board legal answer on the cheating/lap-dance question because there are too many variables.

First off, there is no standardized lap dance. There's the "I'm going to keep my hands to myself while this nubile woman grinds her partially naked body on my fully clothed lap for this hastily edited rendition of Motley Crüe's 'Girls, Girls, Girls'" lap dance. There's also the "Holy crap, she just put my hand inside her G-string and stuck her tongue in my mouth and I'm pretty sure her nipple wasn't always touching my lips and I hope I have an alcohol wipe around here somewhere" lap dance.Even if there was a lap-dance standard, the bigger variable is the view of your significant other because no two women view the same lap dance alike. Thus, as with most troubling issues that need adjudication, whether your strip-club foray rises to the level of infidelity must be a case-by-case determination.

The question becomes how cheating is defined in your prenup. If the prenup defines cheating in such a way as to include lap dances either directly or indirectly (i.e., "engaging in voluntary physical contact of a sexual nature with another woman") then you could be in a bit of trouble. (Of course, notice that such a definition leaves a lot of wiggle room.)

If cheating is not defined, but only set forth in general terms, then your wife will have a much harder battle, as most courts would likely only enforce a general cheating clause if your behavior fell into the category of an extramarital affair or other commonly accepted forms of infidelity.

Either way, it will be a mess. If you have a prenup, make sure you and your spouse understand it inside and out, and that you're not violating it. If there's an area that needs clarification, speak to your attorney. If you are considering signing a prenup, discuss the best way to define "cheating" or other related terms with your significant other and your attorney.

It's the only way to avoid those "sticky" issues. (Ew.)

Tom's advice is for entertainment purposes only. If you need actual legal advice, consult with a lawyer.

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I Found Some Drugs -- What Should I Do With Them?

Tom O'Keefe — 2010-05-21T17:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Like an Expert

In Asylum's eternal quest to bring our readers the straight dope, we connected with legal expert and funny guy Tom O'Keefe to answer your burning legal questions. If you have a question for him, drop it in the comments.

Q: After a long night of drinking, a buddy and I spotted a plastic baggie containing what looked to be drugs on the street corner. I thought we should throw them out in the garbage to prevent any kids from getting their hands on them, but my buddy said we should just leave them or we could get pinched. I was too drunk to argue, so we left them. Was he right?

A: While your intention to remove the drugs from the pathway of wayward children was noble, your buddy was not entirely wrong. He should, however, be summarily chastised for using the term "pinched," unless he is in the Mafia.

Here's the problem with your "throw the drugs out" idea: In order to do so you would have to pick the drugs up, unless you've mastered telekinesis. Once you place your helpful little hands on that bag you have asserted sufficient control to place them in your "possession" under the law.

That's right, drug possession.If life were a sitcom, you'd pick up the bag of drugs and just before you could dump them in the trash can two cops would show up: "I know this looks weird officers but I was only going to throw these out!" "Sure you were son, sure you were." Your buddy would chime in with his lame Desi Arnaz impression: "Lucy, you got some 'splaining to do," there'd be about five seconds of canned laughter, they'd slap on the handcuffs, and we'd cut to commercial.

I understand that this is not a very positive, shiny-happy-person view of the world, but I'm a former attorney -- what did you expect? It's realistic.

But I'd like to offer some common-sense alternatives to turning the blind eye, because your impulse to keep kids from harm is a good one. Your best bet is to call the sanitation department, ANONYMOUSLY, from a pay phone and report the location of the illegal drugs.

The sanitation department may ask you to examine the bag to be more specific. Do not examine the bag, DO NOT TOUCH THE BAG, do not go near the bag. Do not give them any information about you. At all.

As my optimistic defense-attorney friend likes to say, "Cops are in the 'busting you" business, not in the 'collecting drugs without making a bust' business."

Tom's advice is for entertainment purposes only. If you need actual legal advice, consult with a lawyer.

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Can You Actually Get Busted for Betting in the Office Pool?

Tom O'Keefe — 2009-03-18T14:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Humor, Sports, Like an Expert

In Asylum's eternal quest to bring our readers the straight dope, we connected with legal expert and funny guy Tom O'Keefe to answer your burning legal questions. Got anything you want answered? Let us know.

Q: Can I get in trouble for partaking in my office's March Madness pool?

It's that time of year again, the time where my friends ask me if I want to place $10 on my ability to predict which college basketball team will make the Sweet 16, Elite 8 and Final Four. I'd get a better return on my investment by setting my Alexander Hamilton on fire. I have absolutely no talent for predicting these games, but apparently I am in the minority. And this minority status does not prevent my friends from asking the following questions: "Who should I pick to take it all?" and "Is my office NCAA pool illegal?" The answer to the first is -- I DON'T CARE. The answer to the second is -- probably.

Of course, I can't tell you about the legality of your particular betting pool unless I know its details and the laws of your city and state. Since, however, sports betting is illegal in most states, and in those states where it is legal a license is usually required to operate a betting pool. So let's assume your office pool is illegal. Will you be arrested? Should you hire an attorney? Pack your bags for the stone lonely? Probably not.

After the jump, find out if Johnny Law will take you down for placing a bet on the Big Dance.March Madness pools are everywhere. I'm not aware of any office that doesn't have at least one. A lawyer friend of mine currently runs a huge March Madness pool with defense attorneys, prosecutors and judges. (Imagine that -- judges partaking in illegal activity.) These pools are so prevalent that representatives in at least two states have introduced legislation to remove office pools from their states' definitions of gambling -- thereby making them legal. Will such legislation ever pass? Don't bet on it -- hypocrisy is the one thing you can count on in politicians.

I can't and I won't endorse any office pools. I can tell you that certain activity is less risky than others. For example, pools with smaller stakes ($10 entrance fee as opposed to $1,000) are less likely to pop up on the law's radar. Running a pool is also more risky than just taking part in one. Again, a small-stakes pool is likely not going to irritate The Man. If, however, you take profit or "costs" or "fees" or otherwise keep any funds for yourself as opposed to paying all moneys out to the winner(s) -- you are much more likely to feel the weight of the law, and it's likely to be very uncomfortable.

You can, of course, get fired or otherwise reprimanded at work for taking part in an office pool. Use common sense. If your office has a stated policy against office betting pools, don't start one and don't partake in one. If such a policy doesn't exist and you choose to get involved in or start one, your best bet is to keep it on the down low. (My lawyer friend calls his pool the "Cambodian Benefit Event.") Sure the name is part "wink, wink, nudge, nudge," but it also gives his superiors an out if someone decides it is inappropriate. "I didn't know it was a betting pool, I thought it was charity." Plausible deniability goes a long way, my friends, a long way.

Any other questions you want answered? Don't be shy, send us a brief. All names will be changed to protect the innocent.

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Is a Bong-Hit Photo Enough to Get You Arrested?

Tom O'Keefe — 2009-02-13T14:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Humor, Like an Expert

In Asylum's eternal quest to bring our readers the straight dope, we connected with legal expert and funny guy Tom O'Keefe to answer your burning legal questions. If you have a question for him, drop it in the comments.

Q: Can I be arrested for drug possession based on a photo of me taking a wicked bong hit?

Superhuman Michael Phelps's bong photo has triggered a whole mess of questions including, but not limited to: (1) Why the hell is everyone getting their panties in a bunch? (2) Where can I get me that sweet bong? and (3) Will those pictures my buddy just posted of me puffing on Mary Jane get me arrested? Allow me to expose some truths to your likely bloodshot eyes.

Jumping straight to the latter question, this is where my legal expertise comes into play. The answer, my munchies-prone pals, is maybe. Don't mean to harsh your mellow, allow me to explain.

The picture alone can't support a valid arrest for marijuana possession but it may help establish the probable cause necessary for such an arrest. The photo's value depends on what specifics can be gleaned from it: When was it taken? Where was it taken? Who is in it? What where they doing?

After the jump, learn why a bong-hit photo is a particularly bad idea in South Carolina and a few more legal nuggets.Of course, there really is no way to know from the picture if what you're smoking is weed. Everyone knows that water pipes are often used to enjoy legal, harmless, American-grown tobacco. But in certain states, like South Carolina, possession of drug paraphernalia alone is punishable by a $500 fine. The picture could lead the authorities, as it did in Richland County, to investigate the matter and, after the expense of time and money, come up with additional evidence to support a valid (allegedly) search or arrest warrant.

So does this picture of you -- in which you could be perceived to be steaming the giggle weed -- form the basis for a valid arrest? Would it be enough for a noble officer of the law (sworn to serve and protect the tax-paying citizens of his or her locale) to launch a full-scale investigation? To sign a sworn affidavit, appear before a magistrate, obtain a warrant and, armed to the teeth, search your abode and perhaps put your slacker ass in shackles and throw you in the hoosegow? That depends. If you live in Richland County, well, I think you know the answer. If your humble patch of the American dream lies elsewhere, I can only hope the answer is no. But I'm a lawyer, as far as hope goes, I come up short.

As for the answers to the first two questions:

1. Nothing fuels a media circus like good old-fashioned hypocrisy. At breakfast this morning I asked my cereal box, "Why is a star athlete with a DUI conviction a better spokesperson than one who parties with Sweet Lucy?" The animated feline on the box, wearing a fairly metro bandana, with a name that methinks announces his Italian heritage, growled in response, "They're ... grrrrrrridiots."

2. Thanks to the crack police work of the Richland County Sheriff's department the answer is: "Not on eBay."

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'How Can I Streak Legally?' Important Question Answered

Tom O'Keefe — 2009-01-29T14:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Humor, Sports, Like an Expert

In Asylum's eternal quest to bring our readers the straight dope, we connected with legal expert and funny guy Tom O'Keefe to answer your burning legal questions. If you have a question for him, drop it in the comments.

Q: I want to streak at a sporting event. If I'm caught, will I be better off if I'm wearing my underwear, as opposed to streaking in the buff?

At the risk of being labeled a streaking purist, I don't think you can call running around in your underwear streaking. I know its been done, and I am by no means encouraging you to interrupt my football game by running on the field displaying your sexy bits for the world to mock, but it seems half-assed to go only half bare-assed.

That said, depending on the local laws where you choose to shake what your momma gave you, wearing skivvies would seem to be a safer bet. (Wuss!). With regards to those local laws, they are myriad and divergent. In certain locales, streaking is rewarded with a mere slap on the wrist, while other jurisdictions impose a fine. But some particularly priggish regions offer a criminal conviction for indecent exposure AND registration as a sex offender.

Not so funny now, is it, Nature Boy?

After the jump, find out if being drunk would help your case and see some wonderful examples of fans streaking on the field.
Q: Would it help my case if I were drunk beforehand?

Lady Macbeth said, "That which hath made them drunk hath made me bold; What hath quenched them hath given me fire." That lady understood the power of the sauce. Of course, she also went completely out of her tree. The old "I was drunk, I didn't know what I was doing," defense is one I've often used with past lovers, roommates and priests. But as a defense in a court of law, against a charge of streaking, I doubt it would do you any good. If you could prove that your intoxication was not self-inflicted, you might have a shot. Of course you'd also be trying to explain that concept to the judge with a towel draped over your pecker, the words "GO GIANTS" stenciled across your chest and a mask of shame and team colors smeared all over your face. But hey, you just ran naked through a stadium full of people, you can do anything.

If you decide to streak on the field, keep in mind legal problems may be the last thing to worry about. There's big men on that field who don't want you there:

Being Asylum, we only hope the kind of fans who decide to streak at the Super Bowl might look something like these lovely Italian soccer fans:

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What You Should Know About Serving as Your Own Attorney

Tom O'Keefe — 2009-01-07T14:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Like an Expert, How-to

In Asylum's eternal quest to bring our readers the straight dope, we connected with legal expert and funny guy Tom O'Keefe to answer your burning legal questions.

Q: What do I need to do to serve as my own attorney?

A: The things you must do to serve as your attorney vary widely depending on whether the issue is civil or criminal in nature. Within each of these legal hemispheres (Hey, I think I just made that up!) there are so many laws, procedures, loopholes and issues that you'd need to, I don't know, attend law school to gain even the most cursory understanding of what must be done, let alone master those things.

But we don't have time for that. You want quick answers, and I, dear reader, shall comply: No matter what the issue is, if you choose to serve as your own attorney, the first thing you MUST do is call 1-800-843-7274, better known as 1-800-THERAPIST, and get your head examined.

Yeah, but what if I really want to serve as my own attorney? (continues after the jump)
An old courtroom adage says: "The person who represents himself has a fool for a client." Can it be done? Sure. Many resources claim to show laypersons how to represent themselves in court. I can also go online and learn how to build a hydrogen fuel cell car. I will not attempt to build such a car, however, because I have no desire to blow myself up.

When you need an attorney, chances are the stakes are very high, and the consequences severe. Don't try to do it yourself. Just hire a professional. Are they expensive? Yes. Aren't a lot of them douchebags? More than you know. But they ARE professionals -- meaning not only are they trained to do but the job and are governed by a code of ethics, but you also have the opportunity to sue them if they screw your case up. You can't say the same about yourself now, can you?

Got any burning legal questions you want answered? Don't be shy, send us a brief. All names will be changed to protect the innocent.

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Can I Really Get Fired for What I Did at the Office Party?

Tom O'Keefe — 2008-12-23T14:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Like an Expert

Wallowing in a bit of gloom and guilt about the way you acted at the office holiday party last week? To help pep you up we asked our legal expert Tom O'Keefe about the realistic ramifications of overzealous holiday cheer.

If you acted like a good boy or girl this year, just keep this advice in mind for the next time around. Note: This is sensible guidance, as well, for those regular happy hour sessions with your co-workers.

Q: Can I really get fired for having a good time at the office holiday party?

A: Yes, especially if your definition of "having a good time" includes getting wildly drunk, telling your boss how you "really feel," and/or getting down with Jennifer from marketing on top of the color copier. Unless you have an employment contract (or collective bargaining agreement) that limits your employer's ability to fire you, you're an "at-will" employee. As such, you can be let go for almost any reason, no matter how unfair you may believe it to be, as long as that reason does not violate the law (i.e., anti-discrimination laws).

Read more sobering advice about holiday parties after the jump.But don't think that having an employment contract gives you a free pass to behave like Dionysus -- there are plenty of holiday office party pitfalls (mistletoe abuse) that can provide an employer with requisite "cause" to fire your intoxicated ass (consult your office "sexual harassment" policy).

In addition, far too many think that an office party held outside of the office is just "another party." Such people should be pitied, forced to wear safety helmets, and gently led to the nearest unemployment office. The office holiday party is a business event, no matter where it is held, where everything you do, say, drink and dry-hump can be a job killer. This is all especially true in the age of MySpace and Facebook, where people can far too easily document your behavior for everyone to see, judge and place in your personnel file.

So behave yourself. Take it easy on the booze, think twice about buying your Secret Santa gift at The Pleasure Chest, and stay just long enough to make a good impression or, failing that, no impression at all.

If you need to celebrate the holidays by making a drunken fool of yourself, save it for your buddy's party. After all, that's what friends are for.

Got any burning legal questions you want answered? Don't be shy, send us a brief. All names will be changed to protect the innocent.

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Should You Always Exercise Your Right to Remain Silent?

Tom O'Keefe — 2008-11-19T14:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Like an Expert, How-to

In Asylum's eternal quest to bring our readers the straight dope, we connected with legal expert and funny guy Tom O'Keefe to answer your burning legal questions. If you have questions you'd like answered in upcoming columns -- let us know.

Q: If arrested, is remaining silent always the best move?
A: In 1959, Supreme Court Justice Robert Jackson wrote, "Any lawyer worth his salt will tell [a] suspect in no uncertain terms to make no statement to police under any circumstances." I'm hopeful that my worth in salt has held up better than the rest of my portfolio as of late, because I am heeding the justice's advice and passing it on to you. In other words, if you are arrested, keep your mouth shut!

To Protect the Innocent
You may be thinking: "Tom, I'm innocent, surely I can persuade the "po-po" that they are mistaken." No, you can't, and don't call them the "po-po," that's just embarrassing for everyone.

No matter how eloquent you may think you are, nothing you say will convince any but the most Keystone of cops to let you go. In fact, you'll likely dig yourself into a bigger hole. As the Miranda warning provides, anything you say may be used against you (notice that it contains no converse stating "The stuff you say will be used to HELP you").

Guilty as Charged?
For those "less innocent," the advice is the same. Sure, confession may be good for the soul, but do you know who it's really good for? The police, the prosecutor and the criminal justice system -- everyone but the confessor. Anything you feel you need to get off your chest can be removed more delicately with the help of your attorney. You'll thank him or her later.

Unfortunately, silence is an option we often fail to choose when a girlfriend asks, "Have I gained weight?" or some jerk at the bar challenges, "You got a problem?" or an angry boss inquires, "What do you have to say for yourself?" But when you're arrested, remaining silent is not just an option, it's your right. So use it.

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