Asylum

Google Maps Takes Us to Funky Town, Sunnydale, Narnia

Tom Radler — 2009-12-22T11:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Humor, Entertainment, Nightlife, Weird Stuff, TV, Weird

As Christmas nears, one of America's most hallowed holiday traditions will be dutifully observed from coast to coast: avoiding one's relatives by heading to the bar.

It was under these circumstances that our writer spent a recent Sunday night at a watering hole in Dallas. But as he drank his family troubles away, he decided he needed to go somewhere, anywhere that wasn't located within the city limits of the Big D.

Spurred on by cheesy music pumping from the bar's speakers, he pulled out his trusty iPhone to see if the Google Maps app could answer the age-old question: Won't you take me to Funky Town?

The answer: maybe. With the Funky Town address "unverified" by Google -- and its suspected location all the way out in California -- he decided to type in a few other fictional happy places. Read on to see where our writer ended up.

As you can see, with Funky Town, Monkeytown, Narnia, and Bedrock all a two-day drive away, our man was left with Sunnydale and the Love Shack as his only viable options. While we're as obsessed with vampires as the rest of America is right now (Team Edward!) -- not to mention still interested in catching any glimpse of Willow and Faith -- we know from the "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" finale that that town's supposed to be a crater right now.

That left us heading to the Love Shack in Fort Worth late on a Sunday night -- and the less we tell you about that experience, the better. Thanks, Google!

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So You Wanna Be Gangster? Well, Here Are the Rules

Tom Radler — 2009-09-03T13:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Like an Expert, How-to

Normally we're bored to tears by memoirs -- there's too much crap about crummy childhoods, broken hearts, and tiresome smack addictions. Thankfully, Kenny Gallo's "Breakshot" is a bit different. This self-proclaimed "Japanese-American playboy" started slinging cocaine in his mid-teens -- that's him above with a few Uzis and Paulina Porizkova in his childhood bedroom. Gallo then went on to open a nightclub, produce porn films and rub shoulders with real life goodfellas.

He later followed the third act of "Goodfellas" to a tee by becoming an FBI informant and, unlike most, he doesn't apologize for being a rat. His believe-it-or-not autobiographical account is chock full of car bombings, crooked cops and quasi-brain-dead wiseguys.

We got Gallo to give us a personalized guide on how to live the life of a modern-day gangster -- all the way from adolescent thug to Mafia turncoat and escapee of "the most exclusive men's club in the world." (Disclaimer: Asylum takes no responsibility if you get whacked while pursuing The Life.)Married to the Mob
Looking to get tapped by the mob? Let them come to you. "Be a tough guy, not a brute, like a legbreaker -- there's too many of those guys around," Gallo advises. "You just gotta be smart and show people you can make money. They'll find you. If you're in the quasi-legal world, they'll find you. If you're a gambler, a poker player, a bookie -- if you make your living at the race tracks. You can't go out and search for them. They'll take you for a mark, they'll rip you off, abuse you, or they'll think you're a cop."

A Made Man's Fashion Sense
Kenny Gallo is half-Japanese, without any Italian background -- not exactly the type of person the Feds are profiling. It helps not to look the part of a stereotypical mafioso. "No flash -- all that stuff's for TV. If you wanna look like a thug, then you're not a thug. We're not wearing pinkie rings, all that flashy jewelry." Gallo's descriptions of actual wiseguys in "Breakshot" make them sound like mild-mannered suburban dads, the sort of dudes who appreciate a comfortable polo shirt and a nice backyard barbecue. It might not be as dramatic, but it'll keep you away from 25-to-life.

Mob Money Ain't Easy Money
Lest you think gangsters do nothing but swim in champagne and snort cocaine off the backsides of A-list call girls: "It's a job. It's a 24-hour-a-day thing. You never get vacation time, you never get to call in sick. You have to hustle for money, you have to show up. You can't lie around getting drunk and doing nothing. There [are] guys who do that, and then they have nothing." Kenny, Kenny ... you're crushing our dreams here.

Pride Before the Fall
Wannabe criminals tend to make a few common mistakes after early success. "They get too greedy. Me, I always spread the money around. Those people are going to bring you other deals. You're not going to get rich off one deal, you're going to get rich off a quantity of deals, a whole inch of different things." Overinflated egos are also to be avoided -- they're bad for business. "You get too big for your own britches. You get such a big head, you think you're all that. There's always someone tougher, there's always someone smarter and bigger."

You Talkin' to Me?
"Breakshot" is full of stories of retribution, some of which involve high-speed motorcycles and assault weapons. But these days Kenny Gallo seems to realize that shedding blood isn't always the best way to make your point. "The most effective way is to do it nonviolently. Let them imagine what can happen. Once you do something violent you've passed that line, there's nothing else you can do. It's better that you let it unfold, let them ask around about you and see what kind of person you are. You never make a phone call. You go there, show up, smile, just be there, be menacing."

I Got 99 Problems But ...
Women and organized crime don't mix. "They come and go," Gallo says. "A woman gets mad at you, they'll do something crazy -- like call the cops." A budding gangster needs to keep his love life separate from his living, or just swear off chicks altogether. "I never brought a woman into my life, ever," Gallo asserts.

It's not unheard of for women to act as criminal informants as well -- the bedroom is a pretty easy place to pry secrets from a loose-lipped lover. "I was always suspect of anyone who wanted to be friends with me," says Gallo, somewhat depressingly. "If they weren't a felon, if they didn't have a record and I didn't know them, I didn't want to associate with them." (That's not to say that Gallo was a celibate monk; "Breakshot" does detail his demented marriage to porn queen, Tabitha Stevens.)

Porn Again
After dabbling in some completely illegal undertakings, Gallo began cutting his teeth in the porn industry, including directorial turns behind the camera. He doesn't advise junior gangsters to make the same mistake: "It's not glamorous, and it's a dead end. It'll lead nowhere. It's not worth it. It has nothing to do with real movie-making." But what about the 'new wave' of adult actresses, headstrong stars like Sasha Grey? "They're lying to themselves. Let's talk to her four years from now. I was in the business for almost 20 years. There is no happy ending."

Year of the Rat
Kenny Gallo's real claim to infamy is acting as an informant against members of the Colombo family, a Brooklyn-based wiseguy organization. He claims there's no ignominy in being a snitch, though some might disagree with him. "Yeah, I did it," he says. "I'm smart. The smart guy takes the deal. What's the purpose of you going down for everyone else? Only a dummy's gonna go to prison for 20 years. Oh, I'm a standup guy; I'm a tough guy. So what? Your kids grow up, your wife gets divorced from you, they have no food when you're locked up. It's the dumb move. Most of the big guys play both sides of the fence. Lucky Luciano is a prime example -- dude was an informant, let's be honest."

Let's Make a Deal
"I'm using them, they're using me," Gallo explains, describing the relationship between informant and FBI. "You've got to protect your own interests. Get it in writing. Get that cooperating agreement. You wanna get with the U.S. attorney. Make sure you get immunity."

Life After Snitching
Most people might assume that anyone who rats on the mob and writes a book about it is harboring a secret death wish. Gallo claims that he feels no fear of retribution, which either means he's fooling himself, or has the hugest pair of brass balls in North America. "I'm on Facebook, that's how much I'm afraid," he brags. "Let's go back a little bit in history -- tell me all the informants who've been killed. None." Kenny, we're crossing our fingers for you.

The Post-Mafia Wiseguy
OK, so you've had it all: the sin, the sex, the life of violent and debauched crime. You've flipped and played ball with the feds and now you're safely hidden away somewhere in the Midwest under an assumed name, enjoying all that anonymity. What's a reformed mobster to do with his time? "Criminals do really well in sales," Gallo advises. "If you can hustle up bookmaking, hustle up drugs, you can hustle up selling cars." And hell, you'll already know the answer to that age-old question: How many bodies can you fit in the back of a 2008 Cabriolet?

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Life Lessons From New Hall-of-Famer Rickey Henderson

Tom Radler — 2009-07-24T12:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Sports, How-to

Rickey Henderson will enter baseball's Hall of Fame this weekend, with many calling him the greatest lead-off hitter of all time. Over 25 seasons he made a pretty good case for that title, amassing 1,406 stolen bases and 2,295 runs scored -- both major league records.

But Rickey's also pretty well known for just being Rickey. The flamboyant star usually refers to himself in the third person while talking -- a verbal style known as "illeism" -- and waxes pseudo-poetic about the way Rickey sees the world.

So to mark Rickey's induction into baseball's all-time-greatest club, we've compiled five life lessons based on Rickey's words and actions. They may not help your speed, intelligence or economic situation -- in fact, it may have the opposite effect -- but they do have a certain genius that's hard to ignore.

1. Take every advantage you can get.
In a 2005 profile in The New Yorker, Rickey bemoaned the fact that he didn't take steroids during his career: "They kept that s--- a secret from me ... I wish they had told me. My God, could you imagine Rickey on 'roids? Oh, baby, look out!"

2. Summer can be a cold, cold time if you don't watch out.
Baseball players are susceptible to a wide range of injuries, but it's hard to imagine that frostbite is a big problem in the middle of the summer. This affliction, however, took Rickey out of three games one August after he fell asleep on an ice pack.

More Rickey wisdom, after the jump.3. It's not arrogance if you're actually that good.
Plenty of folks thought Henderson was arrogant during this time in the majors -- not least when he declared himself the "greatest of all time" after breaking the career record for stolen bases in 1991. But he was just stating what he knew to be the case. In a 2003 Baseball Digest interview, he made no apologies for this supposed arrogance: "People who played against me called me cocky, but my teammates didn't. I brought attention, fear. I wanted to beat you in the worst way. If that made me cocky, so be it."

4. A little self-love goes a long way.
Minnesota senator Al Franken was once known for his daily affirmations, saying into a mirror, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me." Rickey's own style of affirmation was not much different. For 20 minutes every day before a game (dating to the beginning of his career), he stood naked in front of a full-length mirror in the locker room repeating the phrase "Rickey, you are the greatest. Rickey, you are the greatest."

5. It's more important for everyone to know you're worth a million dollars than to actually have it in the bank.
When most of us get a check for a large amount of money, we make a beeline to the bank. Henderson, on the other hand, reportedly framed a million-dollar check that he got from the Oakland A's in the early 80's. He only put it into the bank after the club noticed their books were off and called him on it.

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In Defense of Deadbeat Dads

Tom Radler — 2009-07-08T12:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Humor, News

While there has been a clear move toward recognizing the single mom for her strength and sacrifice, society has been woefully negligent in acknowledging the contributions of the deadbeat dad, without whom there wouldn't be all these admirable go-it-alone mothers in the first place.

Now with a new study suggesting that, among birds, when one parent abandons all chick-rearing responsibilities the other almost completely makes up for the absence by overcompensating, it may finally be safe to discuss the positive influence an absent human dad can have on a child's development.

Like most of you, we grew up with a friend who was conceived in the parking lot behind a Long John Silver's. We'll call him "Timmy." While our dad came home from work every day smelling of worn shoes and broken dreams, Timmy's alleged father toured the world with Metallica, and occasional performed classified tasks for the government.

Needless to say, Timmy was the one who grow up thinking anything was possible.

Read more reasons deadbeat dads are good for kids after the jump. It should come as no surprise that Timmy was the most popular kid in the neighborhood by the time we entered junior high. How couldn't he be, when his mom's ever-rotating roster of gentleman callers would buy us cigarettes and thoughtfully leave their porn passwords on Timmy's home computer?

Then there were the parties. Whenever a new beau whisked Timmy's mom away for a glamorous vacation at "the lodge," she'd leave Timmy with 80 bucks and his soon-to-be-liquor-soaked basement became the place to be.

We all know what happens when unsupervised teenage boys and girls mix with alcohol. But it was Timmy, with his reckless willingness to please, lack of curfew, and easy access to bedrooms, who was always the most successful -- fostering an elusive sexual confidence that lasts a lifetime.

(Speaking of sex, we'd probably never have it again if 25 percent of fathers hadn't left home, tattooing their daughters with the kind of daddy issues that are as easy to recognize as they are to embrace. So thank God for that.)

We lost track of Timmy about the time we went to college and he did a court-mandated stint in the Army.

But we still think of him sometimes -- and the little Timmys he is rumored to have sired all over this great land. Each one of them loose and fancy-free, never encumbered by the burdens of manhood, so callously passed on to us by a dad who didn't have anything better to do than stick around.

The views expressed here do not necessarily represent those of Asylum or pretty much anyone of sound mind. Tom Radler has absolutely no background in sociology, nor has he ever parented a child. He is, however, a devoted fan of "Step By Step" and has all the episodes on DVD.

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Resolve Your Disputes Without Ruining Your Relationships

Tom Radler — 2009-03-16T14:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Dating/Love, Women, How-to

Even if he's a lover, not a fighter, there are going to be plenty of times when any guy will find himself in a situation where an easy solution isn't possible. Whether it's with your girl, with your parents, or with your co-workers, how you deal with people is important and can seriously affect how they (and others) will treat you.

We looked at Lee Raffel's book "I Hate Conflict: Seven Steps to Resolving Differences With Anyone in Your Life" to find out how to deal with impossible impasses. "It isn't conflict itself that is the issue, but rather the way we perceive and manage it," writes Raffel. "Conflict can be a catalyst, the energy source that gives you an opportunity to deepen your relationships, to clarify your priorities, and to bring more ease and joy to your life."

We've boiled down Raffel's seven steps below.

1. Speak politely; common courtesies count. Okay, you're pissed that your girlfriend is not getting your point, and that she would disagree with you when you're so clearly right -- but it's better not to get sarcastic and start making fun her bad breath. "Trusted relationships are destroyed when you complacently believe 'I can say and do whatever I want to do and get away with it,'" writes Raffel. "An aggressive defense is not a viable way to address your conflicted concerns."

2. Swallow your pride, and admit your mistakes. Sometimes you've just got to suck it up -- if you're wrong, then admit it and move on. Defending a point where you were at fault isn't going to get you anywhere. (E.g., When someone asks you if you were sleeping with the White House intern, it's best not to try to redefine the word "is.") Still, you don't have to over-admit. What happens in Vegas can stay in Vegas.

More tips after the jump for conquering conflicts, after the jump.3. Seek to understand; you have nothing to defend. "Some people don't comprehend that being defensive is a thoughtless, reckless, irresponsible, immature type of behavior," writes Raffel. "Anytime you are stubbornly defensive and adamantly uncompromising, you screw up your relationships." So if don't waste your time trying to react to everything when you know you're at fault, it's likely that will help the conversation get more civil and productive.

4. Show compassion, and keep the welfare of others in mind. "A self-centered stance does not bode well for resolving interpersonal conflicts," writes Raffel. "Expecting that others have the same interest in satisfying your needs and desires is irrational." So try to let people know that you're working toward the same goal of compromise -- you're not only looking out for number one; you want what's best for everyone. (This may be the best way for you to actually look out for number one and get what you want.)

5. Be honest, and earn the trust that others place in you. Dishonesty rarely does anything positive when you're trying to solve a conflict. Raffel says that if you're acting evasively, the other person will likely pick up on it. But if you come out and tell the truth, the reaction often won't be as bad. We're not sure about this one. While a good relationship is fundamentally based on honesty, there are times when it's better not to let her know that you were checking out her best friend or that her ass does indeed look big.

6. Never wave a red flag at a raging bully. Anytime you're flushed in heated anger, Raffel recommends saying the word "Stop!" Getting all up in someone's grill might seem justified, but it's rarely the right thing to do when you want to get to a compromise, and yelling "Stop!" at the person will jolt them out of their aggressiveness. If you let them keep going -- or join in yourself -- it's likely you'll both make everything worse.

7. Use encouragement and laughter to keep conflict at bay. People hunger for encouragement and good vibes, and being complimentary can really help ease your way through a problem. "No one is so self-assured that they can't benefit from the support of others," writes Raffel. By a similar token, sometimes you can break up a tense situation with a well-placed bit of humor. Try not to use that one about the guy from Nantucket, though.

If you get a chance to try out this advice, let us know in the comments if you find it effective.

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Slacking Science -- Retire While You're Still Working

Tom Radler — 2009-03-09T14:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Business, How-to

Companies are cutting staff and increasingly having employees pull long hours to pick up the slack. This leads to barely having time to watch what's on your TiVo, the girlfriend complaining that she never sees you, and feeling extremely stressed out all the time.

Dude, even if the economy's bad, that's no way to live. So we consulted office guru Stanley Bing's recent book "Executricks, or How to Retire While You're Still Working," for a little guidance on how to chill work life out a little while still seeming indispensable and at the top of your game.

Bing's book is aimed largely at aging executives who have started to dream of Palm Beach before they get to retirement age, but a lot of the lessons can be applied to pretty much anyone sick of sacrificing everything they've got to the grind of cubicle life.

The core "executricks" include delegating work to other people and then taking credit for the product; getting people accustomed to your working in multiple places, so that they don't notice when you're absent; and figuring out ways to expand your expense account without looking like you're abusing your authority.

After the jump, check out a few of Bing's other choice bits of wisdom for cubicle culture.Maximizing Your Cubicle Privacy
Bing suggests you angle your screen away from the open entrance as much as possible, so that people can't see you slacking off. He encourages filling your space with all kinds of memorabilia and junk that personalizes it and makes other people feel awkward about stopping by. Acting anti-social and generally seeming unapproachable are also praised.

It sounds crazy, but if you want to play online video games, obsessively check your friends' (and former girlfriends') Facebook pages and watch movies, this is the best way to do it without hassle.

Drinking at Lunch
Don't worry about how a lunchtime tipple is perceived unless you're with a real tight-ass higher-up. Still, only drink hard liquor if your lunch companion is joining you; wine is generally a safe way to go, but you should generally only have one glass unless you've got a super-high tolerance, or if the person you're with matches your consumption.

The key is to keep yourself together, happily buzzing, and not to get trashed before heading back to the office. Be more Don Draper than Freddy Rumsen. (The latter got fired last season for getting drunk and wetting himself in the office. Not cool, Freddy. Not cool.)

Navigating a Company Retreat
"Remember, this is part of your retirement package," writes Bing. "Don't work it too hard." Try to mix with everyone, and don't be pushy about always talking to the bosses (though it helps to stay near them when possible). Don't blow off team-building activities, but don't get too invested in them. (Still, never lose something on purpose, to anyone.)

Basically, when you're stuck on a weekend in Miami with your office-mates, participate where it's necessary and cozy up to bosses when you can -- but also disappear for a while with a margarita, take some time by the pool, and don't worry about how it's being perceived.

Think employing Bing's employment advice is doable? Have any executricks of your own? Let us know in the comments.

Check out the links below for more workplace advice ...
Being Friends With Your Boss -- How Close Is Too Close?
Four Points for Making Yourself Essential at Work.
Keep Your Office E-mail from Coming Back to Haunt You.

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Being Friends With Your Boss -- How Close Is Too Close?

Tom Radler — 2009-03-02T14:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Business, How-to

Navigating the relationship with your boss can be a treacherous game. On the one hand, you need to be on good terms in order to work together effectively and want him to think that you're the kind of guy who deserves to move up the corporate ladder. On the other hand, you've got a working relationship to maintain, and it's going to be awkward if one of you wants to hang out every night and play Wii.

Greg Bennett, National Practice Director of Sales, Marketing & C-Level Search for the Mergis Group, says that having a boss who wants to be friends with you isn't really such a bad thing. "With the economy flipping up and down, it's probably not bad to have a decent relationship with your boss," says Bennett. "So if you mean 'friend' as in someone you'd want to go to a game with or go out to dinner with once in a while, that's probably not a bad level of relationship to have with your boss."

He also says that sometimes "friend" can get a little too close. "You start asking How close is too close? when you begin crossing that line where your boss starts to get into that very selective list of 'close friends' or you get into his."

After the jump, Bennett gives some tips on being tight, but not too tight with your boss.Be Aware of Your Boss's Intentions
"Friendly relationships don't get created; you can't push them," says Bennett. "And the idea of a boss -- a superior -- coming towards you and saying, 'Let's be pals,' is probably over the line." So if you think your boss is coming on to you (as a friend, of course), make like you would with an unwanted lady -- be friendly, but non-committal.

Don't Booze Together
"I would avoid anything that involves alcohol," says Bennett. "I have seen so many times when people get themselves in trouble at a company Christmas party." Often, drinking is an unavoidable part of building office relationships, though. So if you do find yourself in a situation where you've got to drink with the boss (or other co-workers), we'd recommend following Asylum's handy guide.

The Ball Is in the Boss's Court
Bennett also offered some tips for what to do in the awkward situation where a friend and co-worker who has come up through the ranks is promoted to be your boss. "If they're in [a new role as your superior], how the boss handles this new working relationship is going to determine how the thing goes," says Bennett. "The boss probably has to pull themselves away a bit from being the friend." It may not be all of a sudden, but you might want to look into getting someone else to co-sponsor your beer pong tournament.

Be Aware of What Your New Role Is
He may have been your equal, but in the new scheme he's on top, so you can't act the same way. "Everyone has to maintain that respective pecking order regardless of what's going on personally between them," says Bennett. So if your boss/friend is sending you mixed signals, Bennett says it may be a good idea to talk about the situation and make sure you're both on the same page. "The best thing everyone can do is lay out what the ground rules are."

Check out the links below for more workplace advice ...
Sartorial Tips to Climb the Corporate Ladder
Four Points for Making Yourself Essential at Work
Keep Your Office E-mail from Coming Back to Haunt You

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Elderly Rollerblade Renegade Gets Skates Confiscated

Tom Radler — 2009-02-26T11:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Weird News, News

The saying is "Live fast, die young," but for some speed demons the race lasts a little longer in life.

A 71-year-old rollerblader from the British town of Southport has been relieved of his wheels by police who say he has been skating recklessly and endangering pedestrians. Geoff Dornan, who is a retired youth worker, has denied the charges in court, and now has several Facebook groups devoted to him (some with over 2,000 members). Videotapes in court showed the retiree whizzing in and out among pedestrians, but he contends that because of his skills they were never in danger.

Dornan, bereft of his skates, says that the confiscation has actually been affecting his health. "In the months during which I have been unjustly deprived of my blades, I was shocked to discover how swiftly the health of someone of my age can deteriorate." He says he's had back trouble as a result of not being able to skate.

The case has adjourned until later this month, but we're going to have to agree with the Facebook user who commented, "This guy should be applauded, not prosecuted." See another picture of the "silver skater" after the jump.Given how fast and furious authorities say Mr. Dornan is on his rollerblades, we're seriously considering adding him to our list of fastest men alive.

Worlds Fastest Men

Anyone who was paying attention to the Beijing Olympics knows that Usain Bolt is the World's Fastest Man on Foot. The Jamaican ran the 100m in 9.69 seconds, erasing his own world mark of 9.72, even though he showboated with steps to go in the race. At top speed, Bolt was clocked at just under 28 mph.

Anja Niedringhaus, AP

Brit Andy Green has a mathematics degree from Oxford, but he's most known for the amazing reflexes he exhibits while piloting Harrier jets and stunt planes. He also happens to be the Fastest Man in a Land Craft, having reached 763 mph in his Thrust SSC jet car in 1997.

Getty Images

In America, we like to think Michael Phelps is the fastest thing that ever slipped on a Speedo. However, for sheer speed, Australian Eamon Sullivan is actually the Fastest Man in Water. On March 28, 2008, Sullivan broke the 50m world record by clocking a time of 21.28 seconds.

Matt King, Getty Images

On July 28, 1976, Major General Eldon W. Joersz grabbed the title of World's Fastest Man in an Aircraft by piloting a SR-71 Blackbird at a ridiculous 2,188 mph. Joersz retired from the Air Force in 1997, but his record still stands.

af.mil

Colonel Joseph Kittinger became the Fastest Falling Man on August 16, 1960, as part of the Project Excelsior parachute jumps. That day, Kittinger climbed to an altitude of 101,516 feet in a balloon and stepped off. The descent lasted nearly 14 minutes, during which time Kittinger reached a top speed of 614 mph.

wikipedia.com

Stockton, California's Chris Carr is the Fastest Man on Motorcycle. Carr set the record on September 5, 2006 at Utah's Bonneville Salt Flats by doing a two-pass run that averaged nearly 351 mph before getting up to a top speed of 354 mph.

motorcycle-usa.com

Riding his Varna Diablo III -- a recumbent bicycle fitted with a carbon fiber shell -- Sam Whittingham became the Fastest Self-Propelled Man by recently setting a world record speed of 82.3 mph. In the process, he also won $26,748 given by the organizers of the deciMach Human Powered Speed Challenge.

Jack Dempsey, AP

In the"Spirit of Australia" boat he built himself, Ken Warby became the Fastest Man in a Watercraft on October 8, 1978. The 317-mph feat was achieved at Blowering Dam, south of Sydney, and did what Warby's hero and mentor Donald Campbell could not do. Campbell died while trying to set the mark in 1967.

Keystone / Getty Images

France's Philippe Goitschel became the Fastest Man on Skis when he reached a speed of 155 mph at the Les Arcs resort in Savoie, France on April 23, 2002. After smashing the record, Goitschel went out on top, announcing his retirement from competitive skiing.

Armando Trovati, AP

Being the Fastest Man on Motorcycle Blindfolded may seem like an unbelievably dangerous accomplishment, but a blindfold is actually superfluous for Billy Baxter, who is blind. His handicap did not deter him from getting his 1,200cc Kawasaki Ninja to reach 164.87 mph on August 2, 2003.

AFP / Getty Images

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Paranoia Alert -- Sweet-Looking Girls May Also Be Ball-Crushers

Tom Radler — 2009-02-26T09:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Dating/Love, Below the Belt, Weird News, News

From the very first time he takes a soccer ball to the groin in first-grade gym class, a guy knows that there are few agonies greater than an assault on the family jewels. But as we grow older, we have to learn to live in a world where at any moment we could be subjected to the excruciating torture of an unexpected nut injury.

Sometimes, however, even the sweetest-looking significant other can turn on you, as one man found out last weekend. Job Donkor, 23, was at home at 4 a.m. when his ex-girlfriend, 19-year-old University of Colorado sophomore Chalie Simon (left) showed up, became angry when he tried to kick her out and allegedly "grabbed his testicles and squeezed hard."

"Yeah, it hurt a lot," Donkor said to police, who arrested Simon on charges of assault, trespass and domestic violence.

While this looks to be an isolated incident, we here at Asylum want to advise caution to anyone out there who values his sack: Ball-crushing women are out there -- and sometimes they hide beneath benign exteriors. Beware, and check out our gallery of hottie mug shots for potential offenders.

Hottie Mugshots

This photo provided by Val Verde, Texas, County Sheriff's Office shows one-time NFL cheerleader and reality TV bride-to-be Mary Delgado who is out of jail after being arrested in a Del Rio, Texas, bar, Sunday, Nov 16, 2008. Delgado, who accepted a televised proposal from "The Bachelor," or professional bass fisherman Byron Velvick, in 2004, was arrested in Del Rio early Sunday after refusing to leave a local bar. She was arrested on charges of disorderly conduct, public intoxication, and resisting arrest and released about an hour later.

Val Verde County Sheriff's Office / AP

Before they were famous, Hugh Hefner's new twin girlfriends Karissa and Kristina Shannon, 19, were arrested in 2007 after a bar fight. Double your pleasure, double your felony aggravated battery.

She really has that "girl next cell" quality, don't you think?

smokinggun.com

Hey baby, why the long face?

smokinggun.com

So sultry. She must've been booked for a crime of passion.

smokinggun.com

We know this type. Crazy and crazy in bed. You want to break up with her, but you're afraid of her reaction. We don't blame you.

smokinggun.com

If you want to impress the jury it helps to button up your housecoat.

smokinggun.com

Is it us, or does she look like Eva Longoria's naughty little sister? Score!

smokinggun.com

Hello, kitty! Bringing cute back to the booking room.

smokinggun.com

A former child beauty pageant star, Karen still loved having her picture made, regardless of where it was.

smokinggun.com

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Does Bo Know Banking?

Tom Radler — 2009-02-25T11:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Sports, Business, News

Bo may know baseball and football, but banking? Right now, it seems like no one knows that game.

With so many banks going under these days, it's interesting to see one familiar face getting into the money-management game -- former two-sport pro athlete Bo Jackson. Jackson is one of 20 investors who has teamed up with Miami Dolphin Ronnie Brown to start the new Burr Ridge Bank in Illinois.

The bank opened in the middle of last month and is backed by $3.1 million from its investors -- $550,000 of which came from Bo.

Oddly, the mini bio about the bank's organizers doesn't cite Bo's sporting past. It only notes his position as co-founder of N'Genuity Enterprises, "a supplier of high-quality protein-based food products," and his co-ownership of Bo Jackson Elite Sports training facilities. Even more surprising is that they also make no mention how much his likeness ruled in Super Tecmo Bowl.

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Ex-NIN Drummer Offers Lasagna, Shrooms With Album

Tom Radler — 2009-02-25T09:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Weird News, News

With the huge growth of online music downloads, fans have been finding fewer and fewer reasons to buy CDs. (Liner notes just aren't doing it for people these days.)

But drummer Josh Freese (formerly of Nine Inch Nails, Guns n' Roses and Devo) has some offers to go along with his new solo album "Since '72" that may net him a little extra cash. Along with the album, he is offering (for various prices) such perks as a "five-minute thank you phone call"; a T-shirt and a lunch date to PF Changs or the Cheesecake Factory; or, for $10,000, his car.

One fan can go for the ultimate Freese album package, which costs a cool $75,000. For this hefty sum you, of course, get a signed edition of his album, but you can also: go on tour with Freese; have him play with your band; employ him as an assistant/cabana boy for a week; go for a limo ride to Tijuana so he can "show you how it's done"; get a five-song EP written about you; participate in a trapeze lesson with a bunch of ex-NINers; get treated to a lasagna; and "take shrooms and cruise Hollywood in Danny from Tool's Lamborghini OR play quarters and then hop on the Ouija board for a while."

We like the bands Freese has been in, but $75K is a lot of money for an unknown quantity. Just because you like the way a guy hits the sticks doesn't mean you want to take a trapeze lesson with him. And just how good is this lasagna?

For a full list of Freese's album offers, click here.

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Herpes Rise Linked to Beer Pong

Tom Radler — 2009-02-24T11:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Health, Games, Weird News, News

The venerable game of beer pong is a staple at most college campuses -- a quick ticket to the kind of glory that can only come from drunkenly tossing a ping-pong ball into a red plastic cup.

But beer pong could be nearly as dangerous as unprotected sex in terms of spreading diseases, according to a recent article in the University of Massachusetts' student newspaper -- which links the rise of herpes on campus to the popularity of beer pong. Because the game involves multiple people drinking from the same cups, the herpes virus -- which can be transmitted via saliva -- can be spread to everyone who is playing through the course of a game. The virus is up 230 percent since 2007 in people between ages 17 and 21.

The Centers for Disease Control recommends filling the cups with water for the game -- and drinking from non-shared cups -- as a way of decreasing the danger, but a UMass sophomore makes the point that such play "takes away from the spirit of the game."

We're all for purity in sports, but if we're going to drink so much we end up with a sexually transmitted disease, we'd at least like it to be the result of something more fun than swallowing our frat buddy's backwash.

Of course, getting herpes isn't the only consequence of excessive drunkenness. You could also find yourself highlighted in our shamings gallery after the jump.

Shamings

The one positive is that the Scotch tape probably won't hold throughout the night.

boozetime.com

When it comes to partying, some guys just can't hang.

collegehumor.com

The best shamings are the ones where girls help out with tampons, women's underwear and KY.

listoftheday.blogspot.com

When action on the field wanes, passed-out old guys tend to pay the price.

collegehumor.com

All dressed up and nowhere to puke.

waytoomany.com

Karen woke up at the crack of Dawn.

collegehumor.com

The dreads and hemp necklace isn't a good look for you.

collegehumor.com

Jenga! Jenga! Jenga!

flickr.com

If Jonah Hill wants to continue making movies, he's going to have to kick his addiction to 'Quik.

collegehumor.com

Clearly, this guy's not a smoker.

collegehumor.com

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Snakes Almost on a Plane -- Man Caught With Serpents in Suitcase

Tom Radler — 2009-02-24T09:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Weird News, News

The title of the 2006 film "Snakes on a Plane" grabbed attention by combining two of mankind's major fears into the idea that you could be stuck in a commercial flight in midair with cobras everywhere.

In a scenario at least as enjoyable as that motion picture, a smuggler was caught in Australia on Friday after attempting to transport a stash of reptiles in his suitcase en route to Bangkok. The X-ray image below pretty much tells the tale -- cops saw some slithering and confiscated the bag. Inside it were "24 shingleback lizards, 16 bluetongue lizards, three black-headed pythons and an endangered albino carpet python."

Man Caught Smuggling Snakes

Australian Customs agents arrested a man after finding 44 reptiles including an Albino Carpet Python in his luggage. The reptiles were detected in the man's checked bags during x-ray screening of outgoing passenger luggage by airport security staff after the man checked in for a flight to Bangkok on Friday.

Barcroft Media

The bags contained 24 Shingleback Lizards, 16 Bluetongue Lizards and four snakes. The snakes have been identified as three Black Headed Pythons and one Albino Carpet Python, both endangered species. The reptiles in the smuggling attempt are estimated to be worth between $160,000 and $200,000 (£80,000-£100,00) on the black market. The reptiles have been transferred to Sydney Wildlife World where they have undergone health checks and are being cared for. The maximum penalty for illegal importing or exporting wildlife under the Environment Protection and Biodiversity Conservation Act 1999 is $110,000 and/or 10 years jail

Barcroft Media

The carpet python is a particularly rare snake (with less than 100 left in the world), and the smuggler's entire haul could have netted him somewhere in the neighborhood of $130,000, police say. The smuggler is currently out on bail, but he could do as many as 10 years behind bars for attempting to export native animals without a permit.

While we're glad that airport security is at least effective enough to spot some pythons in a suitcase, we wonder what would have happened if he'd kept the snakes on his person. After all, it wasn't too long ago that a woman was able to conceal a sedated chimp in her clothing on an international flight.

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Will Bush's Next Gig Be Hardware-Store Greeter?

Tom Radler — 2009-02-23T09:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Weird News, News

While he was in office, the fate of the world was resting in George W. Bush's hands. Now, a little more than a month after he left 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, he's joking about using those hands for something a little less taxing -- greeting shoppers at a Dallas department store.

President Bush showed up at Elliott's Hardware, near his new home in Dallas, over the weekend, saying that he was there to apply for a job, which had been offered to him in a February 5 newspaper ad from Elliott's in the Dallas Morning News. While Bush's bid for employment was in jest, he did spend about an hour browsing the aisles and purchasing batteries, flashlights and WD-40 after being presented with an employee shirt and "W" name tag.

We're sure the ex-President would do a great job an Elliott's greeter, although we do wonder how a 29 percent approval rating in the White House translates into talking up hammers, flashlights and band saws.

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Atlantis Discovery on Google Earth Debunked

Tom Radler — 2009-02-20T17:30:00+00:00

The legend of the lost city of Atlantis has been around for hundreds of years. Yesterday, thanks to Google Earth's new technology that probes the ocean floor, Atlantis experts thought they may have found the city's ruins. A rectangular grid (left) that is about the size of Wales was spotted under the sea, about 620 miles off the coast of Africa.

Alas, a Google spokeswoman killed the buzz today: "It's true that many amazing discoveries have been made in Google Earth ... In this case, however, what users are seeing is an artifact of the data collection process." So for now, Atlantis will simply remain an overpriced resort in the Bahamas.

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Unbelievably Massive Rat Caught in China

Tom Radler — 2009-02-20T11:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Weird News, News

There have long been urban legends about rats "the size of cats" roaming the sewers of New York, but we're betting few people have seen anything the size of this bamboo rat (left) that was recently caught in the Chinese city of Fuzhou.

The beast weighs in at a full six pounds with a 12-inch tail. The man who caught it, Mr. Xian, swooped in after seeing a crowd of people around it in the street. He says he grabbed the rodent because he thought it might be valuable.

While rats served in fast food wrappers would cause alarm in the U.S., these types of bamboo rats are often sold as meat in China. News reports don't specify where this monster is going to end up, but we're going to guess that there's a major feast coming for Mr. Xian and his family.

While the Sumatran bamboo rat can grow up to 30 inches long, the largest rats in the world are thought to be African giant pouched rats, which can get even bigger. Shudder at a picture of the hefty rodent and read about deadly animal attacks after the jump.
We'd hate to see what would happen if a rat that size decided to attack a human. Click one the gallery to read about some fearsome animal attacks.

Deadly Animal Attacks

In 2004, Orange County, Cal. mountain biker Mark Reynolds was attacked and killed by a 110-pound mountain lion while kneeling over to fix his bike's chain. Later in the same day, the big cat pounced on another biker and had its jaws on her head when other cyclists came to her rescue. The animal was later put down by rangers.

Jason Edwards, National Geographic / Getty Images

There are less than 4,000 of these giant lizards on Komodo, living alongside the 1,200 human residents of the island. Thirty-three years had passed without incident before an 8-year-old boy got too close to a Komodo Dragon in June 2007, shattering the seemingly harmonious coexistence.

Fox Photos / Getty Images

Hippos are not the cute animals many perceive them to be. They are extremely territorial, especially when in rut (a state of sexual excitement). In 1999, a horny hippopotamus mistook a tractor for a female and trampled a Parisian zoo director en route to the seductive machinery.

George Nikitin, San Francisco Zoo / AP

Sometimes an animal's rage only really comes out when it's a bit tipsy. Drunk off villagers' rice beer, a pack of elephants trampled six people in the northeast Indian state of Assam in 2002. "It has been noticed that elephants have developed a taste for rice beer and local liquor and they always look for it when they invade villages," explained an elephant expert after the incident.

Henry Guttmann, Getty Images

Between July 1 and July 12, 1916, five people were attacked by sharks along the New Jersey shoreline, and only one survived. The Jersey Shore shark attacks of 1916 would later inspire Peter Benchley to write the novel "Jaws."

Torsten Blackwood, AFP / Getty Images

In 2006, chimps attacked and killed an employee of the Tacugama Chimpanzee Sanctuary in Sierra Leone. The chimpanzees also roughed up some American and Canadian workers. Word is they were docile moments before they flew into a rage, biting and tearing at the clothes of anyone within striking distance.

Professor Val Plumwood was famous in her native Australia for surviving the death roll of a saltwater crocodile, an extremely rare feat. She was not, however, able to survive the attack of a snake. The naturalist is believed to have been bitten a few days before being found dead on her property.

Mark Sullivan, WireImage.com

"Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin wrestled his nick-namesake and generally palled around with some nasty critters, but it was a seemingly benign stingray that took out the star of TV and movies. The animal's barb pierced Irwin's chest while he and his crew were shooting a documentary in 2006.

Rubberball

People are fascinated by big cats, making them a big draw for zoos. A 4-year-old Siberian tiger at the San Francisco zoo was tired of all the crowd-pleasing on Christmas Day of 2007, and decided to bound over a 20-foot wall to attack zoo patrons. One person was killed and two others were mauled.

Though they haven't killed anyone yet, Australian farmers have recently starting voicing their concerns about hybrid wild dogs. Apparently, when a canine reaches 21 kilos, it has the ability to kill creatures its own weight and above to survive. Farmers say the dogs are currently at 19.5 kilos and growing larger.

Grey Villet, Time Life Pictures / Getty Images

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Stumble Drunkenly in Front of Subway, Get $2.3 Million

Tom Radler — 2009-02-19T23:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Weird News, News

Getting blackout drunk is generally not a good idea, but it turns out that your blotto stumble home can make you rich (even if you have to lose a leg in the process).

Dustin Dibble, 25, was evidently so drunk one night in 2006 that he fell onto the tracks of an oncoming subway train in Manhattan. Dibble's blood alcohol level was .18 at the time (which is more than double the legal limit for drivers) and he has no memory of the train taking off his right leg below the calf. Now, however, Dibble has won a lawsuit against the MTA, claiming that the subway driver should have seen him on the tracks and stopped before hitting him. It was decided that Dibble bore only 35 percent of the blame for his amputation, and a jury awarded Dibble $2.3 million in compensation for the incident.

Having stumbled around drunkenly a few times ourselves, we wonder whether we could have leveraged our bad choices into making ourselves rich. After all, with a million dollars, we could probably replace our leg with a high-tech prosthetic that's even better than the original.

Our Top Ten Favorite Drunks

Our Top Ten Favorite Drunks
10. Winston Churchill
Prime Minister, author, Nobel Prize winner -- Sir Winston accomplished more on a typical hungover Sunday than most of us do during our entire lives. We can barely be bothered to go out for brunch most weekends.

Photo From AP
Our Top Ten Favorite Drunks
9. Slash
Though he's no longer a raging alkie, have you ever seen the artist formerly known as Saul Hudson not pictured with a bottle filled with something or other? And, of course, there was his memorable obscenity-laden acceptance speech at the1990 American Music Awards. Well, memorable to us anyway. We doubt Slash remembers much of anything that happened during the early '90s.

Photo From AP
Our Top Ten Favorite Drunks
8. Nick Nolte
Even before his infamous mugshot, Nolte perpetually looked like he'd just come off a six-week bender. For a lesson in the perils of heavy drinking check out Nolte's performance opposite Julia Roberts in "I Love Trouble," a film that could only have been made while heavily under the influence.

Photo From AP
Our Top Ten Favorite Drunks
7. Dorothy Parker
Parker famously said, "Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses." But they do go for gals who can fill glasses and then drink them under the Algonquin Round Table, and Ms. Parker could down a vodka gimlet faster than you can say "the dry wit of Robert Benchley."

Photo From AP
Our Top Ten Favorite Drunks
6. Janis Joplin
So associated with hard drinking is Miss Janis that it's hard to listen to her sing without feeling like your liver's filling to the brim with Southern Comfort. (The phrase "booze-soaked vocals" was practically invented for her.) Janis still makes Amy Winehouse sound like Miley Cyrus.

Photo From AP
Our Top Ten Favorite Drunks
5. Andy Capp
Everyone's favorite comic-strip rummy has been tossing back pints and threatening his long-suffering wife Flo with violence since 1957. Seriously, isn't it time that Social Services took a long, hard look at that marriage?
Our Top Ten Favorite Drunks
4. Ernest Hemingway
The prototypical hard-drinking author, Papa Hemingway has given generations of mediocre writers an excuse to wail into their beers about their unpublished masterpieces. Still, as fine an author as he was, we figure his fondness for creepy, multi-toed cats must have had something to do with large quantities of alcohol.

Photo From AP
Our Top Ten Favorite Drunks
3. Betty Ford
Although Gerald Ford was renowned for falling over all the time, it turns out Betty was the one with a drinking problem! While we would never make light of Mrs. Ford's struggles (excluding the preceding joke), it should be noted that having a rehab center named after you definitely earns you a place in the pantheon of hard drinkers. Plus, she's currently the third-longest-living former First Lady. Top that, Mamie Eisenhower!

Photo From AP
Our Top Ten Favorite Drunks
2. Bender from 'Futurama'
Bender's name doesn't just refer to his function as a robot who bends things: Liquor is his life's blood. Now if only he'd get toasted and punch out that wussy robot from "Lost In Space."
Our Top Ten Favorite Drunks
1. Keith Richards/Captain Jack Sparrow
The most inspiring drunk of our time. Richards is such a notorious and charismatic drunk that Johnny Depp based Jack Sparrow on him and then coerced Richards into playing his drunken, pirate father in the third film. As rum-soaked as Capt. Jack is, he pales in comparison to Richards himself, who got so hammered he took a tumble out of a coconut tree.

Photo From AP

Most Dangerous Drinks

Ethanol/Grain Alcohol It is illegal to sell this 190-proof "drink" in California, Florida, Hawaii, Illinois, Maine, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Nevada, New York, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Virginia, and Washington. Obviously, the liver has lobbyists in those states.

Jeff Gentner, AP

Moonshine Prohibition caused people to take all sorts of odd steps to get their buzz on. For those who took the Bo and Luke route, a shoddy brew included methanol (a.k.a. wood alcohol) that acts in a few hours and can cause blindness. Perhaps that allowed them to not realize they were making out with cousin Daisy.

Hector Mata, AFP / Getty Images

Hjemmebrent Norway's Moonshine goes a bit further, being distilled to 96% alcohol. In Tara Grescoe's book "The Devil's Picnic," drinking hjemmebrent is described this way: "You were sober then you were drunk. It was grim, goal-oriented, and a little sad. And the hangover was like no other." Scary. We can't imagine anything worse than a PBR hangover.

vgb.no

Blood Religious groups and tribes, including the Suri of Ethiopia, have been drinking blood for centuries. For some it's a ritual, for others it's just a great way to risk contracting Hepatitis B and C.

Corbis

Coca Cola Coca-Cola launched the disastrous "New Coke" in 1985, but in truth, the stuff we'd been consuming for decades was new. The true original version had cocaine in it. If Coca Cola still had cocaine in it, the world would be a sleepless wasteland of rambling teeth grinders.

Black Drink Made from roasted leaves of the Yaupon Holly, Native Americans males consumed the Black Drink in a ritualistic manner, substituting it for coffee or tea. They purged themselves after imbibing for hours at a time, leading to the berry's appealing Latin name, "Ilex vomitoria."

wikipedia.com

Jolt Cola Jolt Cola's slogan is "all the sugar and twice the caffeine." But if you consider that a few of the symptoms of caffeine overdose include restlessness, nervousness, insomnia, increased urination, gastrointestinal distress, muscle twitching, irritability, and irregular heart beat, a cold Jolt doesn't sound so good.

Bombes Enterprising bar owners in Greece originally came up with Bombes -- a mixture of alcohol and cheap, dangerous industrial spirits. These drinks are so lethal that the government had to step in, because the loss of bar patrons due to death wasn't enough to keep them from being served.

Fox Photos / Getty Images

Bud Extra A couple of years back, someone at Budweiser came up with a plan to keep beer drinkers from passing out. They called it "B to the E," and injected it with ginseng and high levels caffeine. In June 2008, Anheuser-Busch pulled the product in response to public criticism, which was completely warranted.

Kumis Though not technically a danger to your physical health, there's something psychologically troubling about sipping Kumis, a booze made from fermented mare's milk. Russians have been drinking from the horse's teat for centuries, but we'll pass.

wikipedia.com

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Ice Age Fossils Found in Los Angeles

Tom Radler — 2009-02-19T11:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Weird News, News

No question there are some weird creatures roaming around Los Angeles -- but when we think of fearsome predators in the city of angels, it's usually more along the lines of O.J. Simpson and Harvey Weinstein than ancient saber-toothed cats.

But paleontologists are touting a major discovery of fossils from the Ice Age near the La Brea Tar Pits, which are located more or less in the center of the city. Among the bones found are those of a mammoth, an American lion, dire wolves, bison, ground sloths and other mammals. About 16 fossil deposits were found underneath a parking lot a few years ago -- a huge haul -- and scientists are in the process of classifying them all. "It's like a paleontological Christmas," wrote a researcher of the find.

The Tar Pits actually rank high on the list of places where preserved fossils like these have been found. Ice Age beasts seem to have frequently become stuck in the asphalt that came up out of the ground, which then kept their remains relatively well-preserved. Kind of like the Botox that keeps L.A.'s other residents so well-preserved today.

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Algerian Man Will Eat Anything, Including Light Bulbs

Tom Radler — 2009-02-19T09:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Weird News, News

We're not sure what version of the food pyramid Salim Haini is looking at, but we're pretty sure that the official USDA version doesn't include the glass shards, sawdust, candles and nails that the Algerian man has made part of his balanced diet.

Haini -- nicknamed El Akoul, "The Eater" -- also eats real food. Tons of it, in fact. He claims he can eat 1,000 hard boiled eggs in one sitting (and not even while sitting on a toilet). He also says he once drank two barrels of olive oil, once downed 40 loaves of bread and once ate an entire 35-kilogram (77 lbs.) roast lamb. Haini is currently unemployed, but he is looking for sponsorship so that he can travel to participate in competitive-eating competitions around the world. "God willing, the authorities will help me travel abroad and become the first Arab to eat his way into the Guinness Book of World Records," he said.

For now, though, he's using his digestive skills to stun patrons at an Algiers shopping center, chomping away at light bulbs and sucking down vats of animal fat to gain the gawks and grimaces of passersby.

We, at least, are convinced that Haini's incredible natural talent in the field of competitive eating deserves sponsorship. Westinghouse, Philips, we're looking at you.

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Best Mistress Pageant Leads Woman to Drive off Cliff

Tom Radler — 2009-02-18T11:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Dating/Love, Women, Weird News, News

As anyone who has seen VH1's "Flavor of Love" and "Rock of Love" can tell you, contests in which women are pitted against each other for a man's affection only end in unhappiness and public defecation. So we're not surprised that a Chinese tycoon's best mistress competition ended with one of the women driving a car off a cliff.

Reacting to economic hardships, the man decided to make his ladies (not pictured left) vie for his affections -- and money. "The businessman was going to lay off four of his five mistresses due to financial troubles," according to a Chinese newspaper. "The women were allowed to vie for the remaining position by competing on their looks, their singing and speaking and their ability to drink alcohol."

Perhaps it was after the latter competition that one of the laid-off concubines decided that an appropriate response was to drive a car carrying the tycoon and his four other mistresses off of a cliff. Only the driver of the car was killed in the incident, and a court ended up awarding her family $85,000 for their loss. This is only a slightly more tragic outcome than ending up with Bret Michaels or Flavor Flav.

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