ASYLUM - For all mankind

Lost Parrot Returned After Giving Owner's Name, Address

Wednesday 21 May
By Anthony Layser

(Our happy hour fact to amaze your drinking buddies with.)

A lost parrot that was rescued by police and transferred to a veterinary hospital told caretakers his owner's name and address, allowing the bird to be returned.

"I'm Mr. Yosuke Nakamura," the African Grey blurted out to a veterinarian, according to Tokyo police. The bird went on to reveal the Nakamura family's home address. Miraculously, it was even able to provide the street number.

Yosuke's owners say they spent nearly two years teaching the parrot its name and address.

Perhaps we should've tried that instead of teaching our long lost parrot to recite lines from "Teen Wolf."

Grad Student Creates 'Virtual Girlfriend'

Wednesday 21 May
By Tom Radler

Guys who work too late for steady relationships can get a little lonely when they crawl into an empty bed each night. But, never fear, an enterprising (and girlfriend-less) NYU grad student has come up with a solution.

Drew Burrows, 28, engineered an "infrared sensitive" light projection of a girl that can be beamed next to you on your mattress. He calls his creation INBED.

She's only 2-D, so there's not much to get busy with, but the brunette lying next to you in bed responds to your every move. If you lie on your back, your virtual girlfriend snuggles up next to you in a log position. Curl into the fetal position and she'll spoon. But don't try to get too frisky; she rolls over and buries her face in the pillow when you give her a kiss on the cheek. She also keeps her realistically comfy-casual sleep clothes on at all times.

Burrows tells NYMag.com that the invention is a result of his own experiences working hard in grad school and then coming home every night to an empty bed. Asked by the mag how long he was single, Burrows sighed: "Long enough to come up with this idea."

Question Raised: Does a projected image of a girlfriend provide (cold) comfort?

For Beautiful Deep-Sea Fish or Disturbing Bikini Shots

Wednesday 21 May
By Asylum Staff

Whether you're an avid fan of underwater life or just a pervert, you'll have to agree that the Digital Camera Swim Mask is a boon for seafaring paparazzi.

Now for $100 you can take photos or videos of anything you see underwater without trying to swim while holding one of those stupid disposable cameras.

The mask has an embedded 5 megapixel digital camera, and operates at a depth of 15 feet, so you can get nice and close to the smiling barracuda who's wondering if you're a giant Twinkie. It can take almost a minute of video, so they'll know exactly what you did to piss off the shark before it ate you. (Via Uncrate)

Other objects we'd like to see made convenient for underwater use:

-- Space Pens. They work in space, why not underwater?

-- Underwater cars. Actually they have already invented these, but we would like them made affordable.

-- Television. We would like to be able to watch "House" at least 40 feet below the water.

Did we miss anything? Let us know in the comments.

Elsewhere in the manly "sack pack" universe today ...

How to Pick up Girls at the Beach (Men's Health)
Real Men Love "Lost Highway" (Double Viking)
Penis-Copter Interrupts Russian Press Conference (Tasty Booze)
Raise a Glass of Jim Beam for Our Troops (Holy Taco)
Giant Bird's Nest Takes Over Building (Complex)

Too Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs: Cereal Box Heroes in Therapy

Wednesday 21 May
By Tom Radler

When you're dealing so much sugar day after day, it's easy to get addicted. Consider that Cap'n Crunch needs psychoanalysis to deal with his anger management issues and Sonny, the Cocoa Puffs Cuckoo Bird, has to detox. (via College Humor)

Gotham Gets Inked: NYC Tattoo Convention '08

Wednesday 21 May
By Anthony Layser

Besides the roguish atmosphere, we love the New York City Tattoo Convention because event organizers feel the need to post signs reading: "Nudity or disrobing is permitted ONLY in Designated Photo Areas."

We weren't the only ones drawn to the 11th annual event. Skin artists from as far away as Belgium, Brazil and China, as well as Big Apple locals, recently made the Roseland Ballroom a rousing celebration of needle-poked flesh.

Here are a few sights from the NYC Tattoo Convention and its best tat contests:



Worst Celebrity Tattoos

  • Worst Celebrity Tattoos

    Megan Fox. We hate to pick on someone as hot as Megan Fox. Unless she has a tattoo as lame as this obscure line from Shakespeare's "King Lear." We will all laugh at goofy ink. (Photos by checkoutmyink.com, maxim.com).

  • Worst Celebrity Tattoos

    19. Johnny Depp. Turns out Winona (Ryder) wasn't forever after all, but instead of burning off the entire tat, Johnny Depp cleverly had it shortened. And if he ever goes to rehab, he can just shorten it again to "No Forever." (Photos by tattoos-by-design.co.uk, flickr.com).

  • Worst Celebrity Tattoos

    18. Pink. Yes, that is a barcode on the back of singer Pink's neck, supposedly from one of her albums. Run her over a scanner and $1.98 pops up. (Photo by AP.)

  • Worst Celebrity Tattoos

    17. Travis Barker Travis Barker, sponsored in part by Cadillac. GM should pay him royalties to play shirtless on all Plus 44 tours. (Photo by Getty Images).

  • Worst Celebrity Tattoos

    16. Amy Winehouse. Poor Amy Winehouse. In addition to her well-publicized substance abuse problems, she has a body smothered in crappy tats. Check out the shirt pocket tat with "Blake's" above it (in honor of her husband). A nice idea, except she looks like someone who pumps gas at Blake's Corner Chevron. Fill 'er up, Amy! (Photo by Getty Images.)

  • Worst Celebrity Tattoos

    15. Angelina Jolie. Words of wisdom from Angelina Jolie's back. What, she never heard of bumper stickers? Hey, Angie: You have the right not to put dumb tats on that hot bod of yours. (Photos by chinadaily.com.cn, celebden.com).

  • Worst Celebrity Tattoos

    14. Bam Margera. We're not sure what's creepier: the bizarro tat of his Uncle Vito that Bam had done on his calf, or the fact that Vito was just convicted of sexual assault on a child. If we're Bam, we're having that thing burned off. Like, yesterday. (Photos by alloy.com, blogs.kansascity.com).

  • Worst Celebrity Tattoos

    13. Mark Wahlberg.Why put your initials and last name in permanent ink on your shoulder? So you don't have to pull out the cig dangling from your mouth if someone asks who you are. Just pull down your shirt and show 'em... without a word. Cool as ice. (Photos by vanishingtattoo.com, westlord.com).

  • Worst Celebrity Tattoos

    12. Cher. "If I could turn back time," Cher must be thinking, "I'd stop myself from getting this stupid tattoo put all over my ass." A little lower, and it would look like a big fart cloud. (Photo by AP).

  • Worst Celebrity Tattoos

    11. Tommy Lee. Oooooh, look out everyone. Tommy promises MAYHEM. Oh no. Not.. mayhem! Danger, bedlam, tomfoolery -- fine. But please, anything but mayhem. (Photo by Getty Images.)

Coffee Bars Serve up an Extra Perk: Bikini Babes

Wednesday 21 May
By Tom Radler

What goes best with steaming hot coffee? How about scantily clad and easily scalded women? Baristas at two coffee bars in Washington State's Bonney Lake serve their roasts the way nature intended: au naturale (or almost).

At Cowgirls Espresso, employees wear only swimsuits, and a colleague at Hot Chick-a-Latte was recently spotted wearing pasties. According to a Craigslist ad, it's part of the job description to be "extremely comfortable with your body" and "able to work in theme costumes, bikini, pasties, and aprons and not much more!!!" The ad goes on to say that baristas can make as much as $300 per day in tips. Screenshot after the jump.

After Tawnya McLavey's kids thought they were seeing a "naked lady" at one of the shops, the Bonney Lake resident protested by having a clothing drive this weekend for the girls working at the cafes. She says she doesn't have a beef with the places, per se; she just thinks they should be labeled "adults only."

Questions Raised: What other foods would be better served in a bikini? What's a comparable job in the service industry that a guy can get for $50 an hour?

Alba Married; Fergie Gets Sexy for the Kids; Spike Lee MJ Doc

Wednesday 21 May
By Brian Childs

(Our round-up of celeb gossip so you can keep up with your girlfriend.)

Jessica Alba got hitched. (The Blemish)

Fergie gets freaky in front of kids on the Today Show. NSFW (Drunken Stepfather)

Spike Lee to direct a documentary on Michael Jordan. (EW)

GTA IV voice-over actors want video games to pay royalties. (Gawker)

Paris Hilton is doing something nasty in public. NSFW (College Humor)

Get ready for a Bruce Lee Broadway musical. (Variety)

Where to Find a Dead Moose? Craigslist, Of Course!

Wednesday 21 May
By Tom Radler

We know there are a lot of you who have been trying fruitlessly for months to get your hands on the carcass of a 300-pound yearling moose. But sometimes they just turn up out of the blue. Like the dead moose in Alaska that was listed on Craigslist recently and sparked a flurry of enthusiastic collectors to respond.

Calvin Hay, who found the moose lying in his yard, assumed that authorities would haul it away for him. But when it turned out that the animal's removal was his responsibility, he put up an ad reading in part: "You could use it for dog food, or stuff it and put it (in) your front yard, bear bait, whatever. ... If you live in the Lower 48, this might be your best opportunity to get a free Alaska moose. I don't really care; I just want it out of my yard."

Soon he had 50 responses. One writer just wanted a quarter of the moose, saying he only had a small knife and a bicycle to pick it up with.

Hay didn't ask for money, and it turns out it's actually illegal to sell a moose or its parts, despite the online demand. Eventually, he got sick of sifting through the e-mails, and ended up paying someone $180 to take it off his hands.