Prizefight: Write Like David Sedaris and Win His New Book {Asylum}

Jun 6th 2008 5:09PM Many summers fade into the obscurities of time, but some manage to retain importance for many years to come. I was eight-years-old, and my mother brought me along as she cleaned the house of an elderly man in our neighborhood. I was desperately bored. Searching for anything to do, I found a large series of anthills. I'm a Chemical-Engineering student now, but even in my young age, I was science savvy, carrying my trusty magnifying glass with me. I tried to focus the light on the hill, but as I did, clouds obscured the sun. "Dang, now I have nothing to do."
At that moment a strange feeling passed through my stomach. I sat down on the curb. I began tossing gravels into nearby potholes. I developed a game, giving myself points based on how far it was to the hole. It struck me again. I stood, and the feeling vanished. "It must be that spaghetti," I said to myself. I left the curb and went back to the anthills. As I stood watching the ants, I felt little bubbles of gas trying to escape my body. I was outside, so I obliged, but immediately realized my mistake. I had miscalculated the situation.
I was horrified. I glanced around to see if anyone had seen. "Be cool, no one knows what just happened.” I tried desperately to think of a way out of this mess. I ran around to the back of the house. The old man had a concealing row of hedges following the contours of his house. I dug a small hole under the most concealed bush.
I double-checked behind me just to make sure that I wasn't being watched. I loosened my belt and relieved myself of the mess. I quickly pulled my pants back on, trying to keep them away from my soiled skin. I tossed the underwear in the hole and filled it in as quickly as I could manage with my bare hands.
I ran inside without even removing my shoes. Once in the bathroom, I cleaned myself of both the dirt and the muck, and washed my hands. Before I left the room, I flushed the last remaining evidence of my transgression.
"Did you just use that toilet?! I just cleaned that one! Why couldn't you just go upstairs?"
"Mom, relax. I just had to go. I didn't make a mess or anything."