(Our happy hour fact to amaze your drinking buddies with.)

Thieves have increasingly targeted empty kegs of beer over the past five years as the price of stainless steel scrap metal has doubled.

An 18-pound keg now fetches between $13 and $30 on the scrap market. The Beer Institute (we call it the "Happiness Institute") estimates that in 2007, approximately 300,000 kegs were stolen, leading to a loss of $50 million. For that reason, the industry group has pushed for state governments to consider new metal-theft legislation.

"It's been terribly frustrating," said Sierra Nevada founder Ken Grossman, who estimates about 8 percent of his company's $150 kegs were lost or stolen in the past year. "This will increase the price of beer."

Asylum encourages its readers to support legislation creating harsher penalties, possibly even capital punishment, for these most foul scavengers whose actions threaten the very existence of happy hour.

Every spectator has at some point irrationally claimed to be faster than a bungling professional athlete, but sometimes that's actually true.

We're talking about the slowest men in sports. Sports Illustrated has put together their list of the slowest professional athletes, and while their list is dead on, there are many, many more athletes we'd like to see submitted.

Asylum's pick for the slowest men in sports:

-- Former Georgia QB David Greene. Watching Greene drag his sluggish body back and forth behind UGA's offensive line for four years must've been almost as painful to Bulldogs fans as watching them lose to Florida.

-- Major league catcher Sal Fasano. Incredibly slow, but amazing 'stache.

-- The tortoise. Slow (and not a man), but still able to win a one-off against the hare, or so we hear from the post-race report.

Did we miss anything? Let us know in the comments.

Elsewhere in the manly "sack pack" universe today ...

Reporters Getting Smacked Around (Linkognito)
Booze Haikus (Tasty Booze)
Moving Your Boogie Body (Double Viking)
If Gods Were Drafted Like Fantasy Football (Holy Taco)
10 Embarrassing "Before They Were Stars" Videos (Uncoached)
The Worst Music Video of All Time (Uber)
The New Atomic Bomb (CO-ED)
Wonder Sauna Hot Pants (Afrojacks)

Some people look at a playground and see a wonderland of fun and games for happy children. But then there are those sickos who look at slides, monkey bars and merry-go-rounds and see a sexual gymnasium for an orgy of kinky acts. The latter decided to film a pornographic video on a sweet, innocent suburban playground in Tenessee.

Video clips were discovered on a model's Web site showing her enjoying the swings in an empty Bartlett Grove Park, and then exposing herself on the slide. The buxom blonde's X-rated antics have angered community members.

"She's definitely a tramp -- just nasty," parent Barbara Taylor said in reaction to the video. "I think I'm not letting my kids go down that slide anymore." Police are considering pressing public indecency charges against the playground bandita before she strikes again, as she threatens on her site.

We can't say how much we admire the young cub reporter who broke this troubling story by somehow stumbling upon a video clip on an erotic Web site. Not only that, he also located and visited the perpetrator's house. Check out the local news video after the jump and see his dedication.

In America, we have free elections, which means our candidates are free to haphazardly spend as much money as they wish to sway the few undecided voters out there.

It's fitting considering Americans also have one tried-and-true hobby we use to alleviate the crushing boredom and unhappiness that consumes us: spending money haphazardly on things we don't need.

So this week and next, when you'll be treated to both the spectacle and boredom of the Democratic National Convention in Denver, followed by the Republican National Convention in Minneapolis, there are a few strange items you'll want to check out.

Treacherous-Looking Campaign Statues (pictured above)
Design Toscana features two lovely sculptures: the McCain gargoyle and the Obama dragon ($20 each).

The dragon looks smooth and cool, with a winning smile that says, "I'm going to eat your corporate subsidies." The gargoyle's a little clueless.

Advantage: Obama

Check out some more partisan gear after the jump.

This video from G4's "Attack of the Show" is visual proof that Kevin Pereira may have the greatest job on the planet. During an AOTS episode earlier this month, he was entrusted with the much-envied duty of boob-handling co-host Olivia Munn. The clip below is a little washed out for the first few seconds, but it quickly comes into focus, revealing that Pereira's got a golden gig.



Check out much more Munn after the jump.

(Every week political pundits grace us with gaffes, hyperbole, violation of logic and just plain untruths. Every week we try to catch them because we are smart alecks.)

Scarborough/Shuster Smackdown
MSNBC reporter David Shuster, famous for accusing Hillary Clinton of "pimping" out daughter Chelsea, accuses former Republican congressman turned sometimes-darling-of-the-left Joe Scarborough of still being a Republican. MSNBC fratricide ensues, with an enraged Scarborough suggesting that, besides himself, the talent on the cable network is not as independent and objective as some might claim. As an added bonus, Scarborough may have dropped an f-bomb at 2:35.

More vicious, vicious moments in punditry after the jump.

(Our round-up of celeb gossip so you can keep up with your girlfriend.)

Nicollette Sheridan and Michael Bolton broke off their engagement. (Popeater)

Denise Richards' reality show has been canceled. (The Blemish)

Kirsten Dunst and Justin Long are dating. (WWTDD)

Tom Brady is building a mansion for Gisele Bündchen. (TMZ)

David Beckham is helping Tom Cruise lose weight. (Celeb Slam)

Uma Thurman went skinny-dipping. NSFW (IDLYITW)

Tara Reid has a new line of bikinis. (The Superficial)

Kate Hudson is being sued by a hair care company. (Celeb Parasite)

Heidi Montag has a new workout music video. (Ninja Dude)

Which of your favorites is one of the 25 funniest films since 1983? (EW)

Anyone who grew up in the suburbs knows that the mall parking lot is the perfect place to meet your dealer and pick up a dime bag (maybe we're revealing too much). But you never think that the weed may actually be coming from the mall.

Things are a bit different in Miami, though, now that cops have discovered a hydroponic marijuana nursery hidden in a Mall of the Americas' storeroom. By tapping into the building's power supply, growers were able to hook up enough grow lights to cultivate over 200 budding plants. Authorities say the crude wiring could have caused a fire, but they haven't made any arrests and aren't revealing how they discovered the doobage.

"That's bad. I don't want my kids around that. Bro, that's a first," said eloquent shopper Fonsy Martinez. We're with you, Fonz.

While police are presumably investigating mall employees and maintenance workers, we've got our eye on the owner of the food court Chick-fil-A. He clearly reaps the benefits when there's a mall-wide outbreak of the munchies.